


To Say About You

by delinquents



Series: Ernest Only Has Lovely Things To Say About You [3]
Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: (but only a lil), (mainly) - Freeform, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fix-It, Literati, New York, Not Canon Compliant, basically what would happen if the writers actually cared about jess, season 2/3 onwards, they're endgame prove me wrong, we're back again baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 71,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25147498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delinquents/pseuds/delinquents
Summary: She's followed him all the way to New York and they have some things to sort out.
Relationships: Rory Gilmore/Jess Mariano
Series: Ernest Only Has Lovely Things To Say About You [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812805
Comments: 66
Kudos: 140





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> FIRST: this is a continuation of 'Lovely Things', I would recommend reading that first. I moved some of the timelines around and, whilst the difference isn't super dramatic in their storyline now, Jess and Rory's plot isn't following along with the original scripts.  
> (seriously it's like a direct transition from chapter 6 to here so probably go read their buildup before this) (not if you don't want to, you do you)
> 
> CATCH UP: after the accident, Jess leaves for New York. Rory follows the night of her eighteenth birthday.

She can taste her own tears on his mouth, feels a little pathetic at having cried so openly in the middle of the bus terminal, but then Jess presses himself against her, kisses her harder, and she just doesn't care about anything else. He nips at her bottom lip before pulling away to press their foreheads together. Her ankles are beginning to hurt from trying to steady herself but she never wants to move.

"I'm sorry," He whispers, so much gentler this time but it still sounds heavy from his mouth. 

She curves her good hand around his cheek, lets her throat swell at the sight of him nuzzling into it, turning his head to press his mouth against the palm, "Jess, it wasn't your fault." It leaves no room for argument and he just tugs her mouth back to his.

* * *

Jess registers that they're still in the middle of the bus terminal; remembers when he was boarding for Stars Hollow there was a couple reuniting like this and he had hated the sight of it. He pulls away from Rory, chuckles against her lips when she presses another kiss to his mouth. "Ror, let's get you out of you here. There's going to be some very unhappy New Yorkers outside we can annoy with all of this, let's not save it all for grumpy commuters."

Ever on brand, her backpack threatens to knock him down when he slings it across his shoulder but he refuses to let Rory hold it, grabs her hand to interlock their fingers when she reaches for the straps. He has to let go of her hand and pull her along by the waist when they step outside; it's prime rush hour and this is 8th Avenue. He leads them to Washington Square Park, smirks at her when she lets out a little noise of recognition when she sees the sign.

She wants to sit by the fountain and two people barrel out of her way when she starts dragging him along.

"So," He lets his arm sit along the bench behind her when he sits down, drops that same arm around her shoulders when she leans into his side, hand on his thigh, "Who knows you're here?"

She rests her cheek against his shoulder, he feels her cheeks pull into a small smile when he pushes some of her hair back and kisses her temple. The last time they sat like this she was crying and he was cradling her wrist to stop her from moving it and causing more damage. He runs a finger along her cast now, follows the bumps of stickers along the plaster.

"Luke told me your address," She says gently, squeezes his thigh when he tenses at his name, "But he was asleep when I left. I left my mom a note, too, but I don't know if she woke up yet."

"Do you want to call her?"

She shakes her head, rests her chin against his shoulder now to look at him. He'd convinced himself he could never forget what her eyes looked like but now, staring right into them, it's like being drenched in freezing water and immediately being wrapped in a warm, fluffy towel. They're still glossy from where she was crying a few moments ago, but so stupidly bright he almost wants to look away. He knocks their foreheads together, chuckles when she smiles at him.

"Hi," She whispers and it reminds him they never said that.

"Hey."

"Sorry I never called."

He swallows a lump in his throat, kisses the corner of her mouth, and gets surprised by the sudden urge to never stop showing her affection, "I'm sorry I ran."

"You had to."

"I didn't _have_ to. It was-" He stops, doesn't want to say it, _can't_ say it.

So she does, "Easier." He can't find any judgment in her voice but sees the question in her eyes. Knows she wants to ask and try and make it all better. 

"Are you okay?" He asks instead.

"I'm okay." It's so convincing the way she says it yet he can't bring himself to believe it. When she asks him, tentative and worried, he repeats her words right back, seals it with a kiss to her mouth that leaves them both a little breathless and an old lady two benches over clears her throat at them. She blushes red at her warning when she passes and he can't help but double over laughing.

"You're such an out of towner."

"Shut it," She warns him, joins in with him when he tries to kiss her but can't stop laughing.

He takes her to Hatti's, mainly because he doesn't know where else to go. He's not sure if Liz would have left the apartment by now or if she's just invited whatever junkie over instead, and he doesn't want Rory seeing that. He knows, with the backpack on his shoulder, that she's packed clothes and she'll stay with him - he refuses to think about her staying in a hotel or hostel, can't afford to get one for the both of them anyway - but he wants to prolong that for as long as possible. Give a word of warning, maybe? Led her down some of the sketchier streets on the way home to give her an insight? He shakes that thought away as soon as it comes up; he'll talk to her, give her some warning, answer all her questions when they're alone.

Rory keeps a tight hold on his hand the entire walk to the bookstore. It's almost as if she's afraid he's going to run, or she'll let her mind focus and she'll be back in Stars Hollow. Every time she has to wiggle the blood back into her fingers, Jess panics that she'll let go and he'll find she was never there, grips her hand tighter and only slackens his hold when she squeezes his fingers. 

She's practically vibrating when he leads them into the store and he hides a grin by turning away from her when she lets go and starts exploring the shelves. He drops her backpack behind the counter, sits on the stool, and rests his elbow on the counter, chin in his hand as he watches her. The store's empty but he can hear Hatti bustle about out back, he'll fill her in when she comes round to the front, but Rory's studying each and every book with the same level of concentration and Jess has always liked the look on her face when books get involved.

"You've read that," He says when she picks up a Hemingway.

She flicks open to the middle of the book and looks up at him, smiling so gently he feels his chest constrict. "You've written in this."

He holds a hand out, takes her wrist when she goes to hand him the book, lets himself smile when Rory giggles shyly as she rounds the counter. She rests between his thighs, back to his chest, and points at one of his notes. "How many have you written in?" She's whispering again and Jess holds down a shiver. 

"A few," He says, laces one hand with hers and wraps his free arm around her waist, securing her in place. He was never one for PDA like this, but he's just spent six days away from Rory and had himself convinced that they were done before they even started - screw it, he's indulging. "Most of these are second hand, anyway."

She starts flicking through the pages just to read his notes and Jess presses his nose to the junction where her neck meets her collar. She's warm there, despite the chill outside, and he likes that she just nuzzles against his hair. He knows she's never questioned him outright, but there's always been a question in her eyes whenever he hugged her, content there when he kissed her. He squeezes her middle now, thinks about the times he'd reveal a little bit more about Liz or New York and she always looked ready for more - like she wanted to ask a dozen questions and get a dozen and one answers, but never pushed him any further than he was willing to go. Always let him take the lead in that sense. He knows that (most probably tonight) there'll be a conversation that they should have had ages ago, but that can wait for when the novelty of her being _here_ wears off. 

He knows it never will. She followed him here, to New York, and that'll never be something he just accepts and moves on from. He never wants her to think - never wants _himself_ to think - that this is anything short of amazing. 

"Jess, you're not working today- Oh, hello." 

Jess jerks his head up but can't bring himself to let go of Rory, relaxes when it doesn't look like she's not prepared to move away either. Hatti's stood a few feet away, a box of books in her arms and a dumbfounded expression on her face, eyes flicking between Jess and Rory. He'd never spoken to her about girls, or let on that whatever girl Hatti saw leaving his apartment once in a while was anything serious - especially never brought them here, or got as close to them as he is now. 

He clears his throat, gives Rory another small squeeze but he doesn't know if it's for her benefit or his, "Hatti, meet Rory. Rory, Hatti."

Rory moves to shake her hand, "Hi, it's nice to meet you."

"Likewise, Sugar," She sounds so much like Babette it makes Jess shiver, but then Rory's right back there, holding his wrist because she was still looking at Hatti when she reached blindly for his hand. He lets his fingers fall to the back of her thighs, rubs his thumb in circles lightly. 

"So," Hatti says slowly, perhaps a little smugly, when she sets the box down and props a hand on her hip, "It's been about time I met a girl of yours Jess."

He hates that he feels a blush rise on his cheeks, doesn't look at Rory because then she'll look at him and he'll never live _that_ down.

"Well," He shrugs, tries to play it off nonchalantly. "I never liked any of the others."

He feels Rory fight back a snort at the comment, sees Hatti roll her eyes but smile at him anyway. 

"You like coffee, Rory?"

Rory nods, perhaps a little too eagerly, and Jess lets a snort out. "Really? You never mentioned."

He gets a jab to his ribs for his comment, and Hatti forces him to box up a few orders if he's going to be here whilst she and Rory disappear into the back. He hears them both laugh periodically as he tapes boxes up and he smiles to himself as he works. 

Yeah, he can get used to Rory being around.

* * *

When Jess joined them a half-hour later, Rory's on her second mug of coffee alongside Hatti, and they're both laughing. He smiles at her when he sits beside her, drops an arm around her, and she's too busy feeling so stupidly _happy_ she doesn't see the approving smile Hatti gives him. 

"What've you been talking about, then?"

Hatti waves him off, "Just you."

"Oh, great." He deadpans, "I'm sure I won't be hearing the end of that at all then?"

"Not for a while." Rory supplies, squarks when he steals her mug and takes a sip. He winks at her over the rim and knocks their feet together. She likes him like this. She thought he had looked calm in Stars Hollow those nights, but it's nothing compared to how he relaxes into the couch now. There's another set of eyes on him and he doesn't seem to mind kissing her forehead or teasing her like they do in private. 

Hatti had filled her in whilst he was working; she'd been around since he was ten, gave him a job when he was fifteen, tried to keep him out the house when he needed to be and gave him a roof over his head when he felt like he couldn't go back under his own. Rory tells her about Stars Hollow, about Luke and the extension he's put in on his apartment. It feels a little silly when this woman has been doing it for so long and she and Luke could barely keep him there for a full month, but Hatti had pulled her into a tight hug, cried a little and thanked her for keeping him out of trouble whilst she could. Rory gave her Luke's number so that they could talk should they need to, and then Hatti told her about Jess's first time on a bicycle when he was twelve and they started crying with laughter, immediately diving into stories of Jess that the other wasn't around for.

Hatti carries on, even now with Jess here, and Rory can see why Jess is so calm here. It's been barely an hour and she feels at home, doesn't question when Jess pulls her legs over his and they get comfier on the couch. He pours more coffees for them and immediately raises his arm when he sits down so Rory can curl back into him. His chest vibrates against her cheek when he laughs at Hatti's stories or argues against a story of when he was eleven and he claims he just _didn't_ like that song nearly as much as Hatti claims.

"Well, as much as love your company, I've got work to do. Here," She hands Jess over a set of keys, doesn't elaborate. "You want off your shift tomorrow?"

"Nah, Rory likes to read, pretty sure she won't mind a few hours back here."

"I absolutely won't." She pipes up before he's even fully done talking and Hatti just looks at them both amused. 

She nods, eventually, "Okay then, I'll see you both tomorrow. Don't forget to lock up after, you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, Ma'am."

He leads her through the streets and into a block of apartments. They take the elevator to the third floor and the second Jess unlocks the door to Hatti's apartment he's toeing his shoes off. "It's not a rule," He shrugs but Rory follows suit and unlaces her trainers, "I just don't want to get dirt on her carpets."

He cooks them some spaghetti and sauce for lunch, and Rory feels bad that she can't help because it's a known fact that the Gilmore girls are horrendous in the kitchen, but she butters some bread rolls when they pop out of the toaster anyway. It's a small kitchen so their shoulders and elbows keep knocking into each other, but when she's done with the bread he crowds her into one of the cabinets and kisses her until the food's ready, so she doesn't really mind how small it is. They eat out on the fire escape because Rory wants the full New York experience and Jess is all too happy but to provide. 

Besides, Hatti has a nice apartment but it kind of stinks for that little boy still inside of him. He's always had a fire of jealousy in his stomach when others get nice things that he's never been offered, and, whilst he's happy Hatti moved out of the dump of apartments he's still stuck in, it still sucks that she got it together and Liz doesn't even want to try.

The weight of Rory leaning against his chest is comforting as they eat and she fills him in on what's been happening in Stars Hollow since he left. It's not much, just everybody babyproofing the town for Rory and walking on eggshells around her. "There was a riot against Luke closing earlier that night," He hears the effort it takes to keep her voice level and calm, hates that this what it's come to, "But he yelled at them at the town meeting when Taylor started talking about compensation and they all shut up about it."

"How is he?"

She closes her eyes and sighs when he puts his empty plate beside hers, kisses her cheek in the process, "He's okay," She says back. Her voice becomes gentle whenever she talks about Luke, even before the accident, so it's a familiar comfort this time around and doesn't make Jess want to apologize, "I think he's using the diner as a distraction." 

Jess hums against her cheek, focuses on the way her fingers play with his on her stomach. _This is nice_ , he thinks, decides he can get used to sitting with Rory here, out on the fire escape, just _being._

"He and my mom are in a fight- or, were- I'm not sure what's happened since I came here," She's sad but still smiles small when he presses his lips to the corner of her mouth in comfort, "They fought about the accident. My mom just kind of blew up and Luke was just worried about finding you."

"He drove me to the station."

"I thought he would have. He let me stay when I ditched the party."

He cringes and she must have felt him tense because she turns to face him, throws her legs on either side of his hips so she's half straddling him. He hadn't forgotten about her birthday but tried to ignore the dates since he's been here because he didn't want to know when he was missing it. 

"I said I'd be there."

"I understand why you weren't. I didn't even want to be there." She's playing with the hem of his tee-shirt, his fingers are plucking at the hem of his Metallica shirt that she's wearing. He sees what Luke means when he says it's ratty and old, there's a hole in the collar and the fabric is thinning in some places, but it's never looked better than when it's on Rory. 

"Do you want to call your mom?" He asks again, knows that she should but doesn't want to push her if she doesn't feel like talking. He's the poster-child for not talking to your mother but, even if he's always admired the way Rory and Lorelai are so close, he'd let Rory wait it out for the night if she wants to. Calling from Hatti's probably isn't the best idea anyway, because then Lorelai might think this is where they're staying and then that'll cause problems if Hatti picks up and says they're not. The phone reception is pretty bad at Jess's, but it'll make do.

Rory shakes her head again, "It can wait."

He very much likes how she distracts him by leaning forward and pressing their mouths together. He's pretty sure he'll never get over the feeling of kissing her - at least, he never wants to get over it. She shifts forward and, with the help of Jess's hands on her hips, gets settled on his lap properly this time. Jess has to tilt his neck back a bit to keep kissing her and it kind of hurts after a while but she has one hand on his cheek and the other giving his hair little tugs, and he'd be damned if he's going to be the one stopping this. She's making breathless little sounds into his mouth and becomes bolder the longer this goes on, bites his bottom lip as he'd done with her's countless times, gives a smug little smirk when he lets slip a quiet moan. 

It hits him, then, that they're alone and there's no threat of anyone interrupting them anytime soon. Rory's smart enough to stop him whenever she wants but he's still the one who (much to his displeasure, he _just_ said he didn't want to stop) has to pull away because as nice as an apartment as this is, they're on the _fire escape_ and this _Hatti's_ , not his. Her lips, red and swollen, pout at him a little and he almost lets himself get lost in another kiss until he finds his bearings again. 

"Come on," She does the dishes whilst he throws away all the trash from dinner and puts leftover food in Tubber-ware containers in Hatti's fridge. He kind of hates how domestic this is, him and Rory moving around each other to put away dishes and cleaning up, but he also weirdly likes it too. In Hatti's apartment, it's so easy to pretend that this is normal; that this is what they've been doing the entire time, what they'll carry on doing. Except, Jess knows that it isn't. Too soon, they're pulling their shoes back on and locking up. Jess puts the key on top of the door frame, kicks the potted plant next to the door a little to the left to make it look like that's where the key is - he'd seen Liz do it when he was a kid, except Liz really did start leaving the key there and told everyone her little trick and they kept getting broken into. 

Rory watches him and he can't read what she's thinking as they sit thigh-to-thigh on the subway. He tells her that he's rereading _The Fountainhead (again)_ and listens as she speels off a list of things he might gloss over because it's 'dumb' but _it's important, Jess, it's really important_ and she's still talking about it by the time he reaches his apartment. He doesn't trust the elevator so he'd dragged her up seven flights of stairs and hoped Liz had actually forgotten to lock the door this time. 

She had, in fact, left it unlocked and even left the key right there on the floor just inside the apartment. He shoves it in his pocket before he could forget, feels a little more comfortable now he knows he doesn't need to climb in through the fire escape again, especially with Rory here. 

It's a little disturbing how quiet she is when she steps in after him. She goes to take her shoes off as they did at Hatti's, but he stops her with a hand on her elbow. "Probably best not to," He says and he knows he looks a little embarrassed, is actually mortified at the state of the place now that someone as _good_ as Rory is standing in the midst of it. He doesn't try to explain further and she, blessedly, doesn't question it.

He hurries into the kitchen to make them a coffee. He doesn't really want one but he needs to get his hands preoccupied with something and he doesn't want to see Rory's face when she sees the carpet stains or the litter of vodka bottles by Liz's armchair. The apartment isn't that big so it doesn't take her more than a few moments to join him in the kitchen. She puts a hand to the small of his back and pours the milk into their mugs, kisses his shoulder as he stirs them. She doesn't normally have milk, not unless she's tired and wants to dull down the caffeine a little. It's only one in the afternoon but Jess is convinced they can both do with a nap after the week they've had. He leads the way to his room, grabs her bag from the front door, and sets it by his bed.

His bedroom isn't anything special. It's half the size of hers and nowhere near as nice. He winces as he notices the unmade bed, if he had known he would have bumped into her not even ten minutes after leaving his apartment this morning, he would have thrown on some clean sheets and made the damn thing. He has no bedside table, just stacks of books around the room because Liz's money never even looked in the direction of a bookcase, and Jess isn't that bothered by it. His wardrobe is really the only other piece of furniture, besides a small desk, that could fit in here anyway. 

"It's very you," Rory says behind him. When he turns around she's looking at the books on the floor and the posters on the wall. Her knee hits the mattress when takes a step into his chest, the hand not holding her coffee going around his waist. Her cast feels solid and heavy against his back and her back feels warm and soft against his arm. 

"Would it be rude to take a nap?" She murmurs into his collarbone and he's already shaking his head, pulling back to take her coffee from her and put it on the windowsill next to his. When she untucks the shirt from her jeans, the hem falls to her midthigh. She's looking at him a little unsure.

"Do you want some sweatpants?" _Please say no, please say no_.

Shyly (and _god_ isn't that doing something for him) she shakes her head. _No_. He has to swallow to stop himself from making a joke, decides to just nod, doesn't know if it'd be weirder to watch her unbutton her jeans or turn around so he can't see. Turns out, unbuttoning jeans is a little trickier than normal with her wrist situation, and (even shyer _good god_ ) she looks at him after failing twice, "Can you help?"

Jess definitely likes that question, tries not to let it show when he steps forward and flicks the button undone with his thumb. Her cheeks are pink and she's biting her lip and _yeah okay_ Jess is excited. Before he can think about moving away again, his thumbs are cradled in her belt loops and she's leaning up a little to kiss him. It's slow and brilliant and the only time he lets her mouth move from his is when she's helping get his shirt over his head and onto the floor. Her jeans catch onto her legs and she turns red until he chuckles against her mouth and gets them onto the floor beside his shirt. They crawl into bed and if he thought her hands were warm and soft they're nothing compared to her thighs when he hitches her further up the mattress. 

Her cast scratches a little painfully against his back when she trials her fingers over his skin but he doesn't mind, is just focusing on _Rory_ because she's making those little breathless sounds again from before and they sound ten times better considering the change in location. All too suddenly she's pulling away and he's a little put out by it until he sees her wincing around where her teeth are embedded into her bottom lip.

"Sorry, did I-"

"No, no!" She's quick to caress his cheek in her good hand, gives a little signal to her cast, "I just must have forgotten to take my painkillers on the bus. It's kind of catching up to me now. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. They in your bag?"

She nods and he can finally breathe properly when he gets up to retrieve them. The pill bottle looks too much like the ones in Liz's medical cabinet that doctors keep giving her but she never uses, and he can't look at it for too long before handing them to Rory, registers though that the bottle's half empty because Rory listens to instructions. Her hands her coffee because he doesn't have anything else she can take the pills with, and chuckles when she gags at the fact that, in the time they've been distracted, it's gone cold.

"You want to take that nap?" 

She nods, covering a yawn with her cast and leaning back against his pillows. He stands to close the curtains but they're shitty and only block a little of the light. When he turns back, Rory's trying to get under the covers and he spots a flash of underwear and hip where her shirt rides up. He rids himself of his own jeans, intends to find some sweatpants but then Rory's reaching for him tiredly from his bed, and nothing else matters. 

It's a small bed so she ends up half on top of him once they're comfy. Her legs are warm against his and she only blushes a little when she moves her thigh and their hips slot together. It's painfully obvious that he got excited during their make-out session just moments ago and he thinks she's going to say something but presses a kiss to her lips and shushes her before she can. 

"Get some sleep, Ror."

She falls asleep before him, maybe a result of the painkillers, and he lies awake for a little while playing with her hair before he closes his eyes, too. 

* * *

When Rory wakes up it takes her a moment to find her bearings. The corners of the room are dark and the middle is a pale gray-blue. It's apparent she's slept for most of the afternoon and it's beginning to get dark outside. There's a murmur into her collar and then she feels Jess against her.

_Jess. New York. Right._

She remembers falling asleep on him, but they've shifted during their nap and now he's asleep against her. Their legs are entwined and their hips are still pressed together (Rory blushes even though it's dark and he can't see it and it's _natural Gilmore, get it together_ ) but he's nestled himself lower than he was before, his lips brushing against her neck whenever he breathes, one arm still under her head. Her one thigh is slung over his hip and his other arm is curled around it, fingers flirting with the band of her underwear at her hip. 

The shrill ringtone of her mobile cuts into the silence of her room and she jolts towards it, manages to flip it open to effectively cut off the ringtone before Jess wakes up. He's been jostled by her movements, mumbles grumpily before burying his head under his pillow. Rory waits with bated breath until his back rises and falls with sleeping breaths before she crawls out onto the fire escape behind his curtains. She saw the way he tensed up when they walked into his apartment, the way he remained tense until they were in his room with the door bolted. Guesses he doesn't want her meeting Liz alone whilst he's unconscious to the world. 

Paris is already talking when she presses the phone to her ear. "-and then I hear you just disappeared? To _New York_ , Rory. I swear, if this an internship with _The Times_ you applied for without telling me there was even an option I'll-"

"Paris, I came to see Jess."

There's a pause, then a dumbfounded, "Oh." Other than when she cried in her room to her and Lane, Rory can't remember Paris ever being speechless.

She's a little worried the phone's disconnected, "Paris?"

"No, yeah, here," Paris rushes, "Just surprised. Why didn't you say you were going?"

"Bit of a last-minute kind of deal," Rory sits on one of the steps of the fire escape leading upwards, hugs her knees to her chest. It's October and she's only wearing a thin band tee despite it being close to freezing outside. "I just... needed to see him."

"We have a test on Wednesday." She _still_ sounds so dumbfounded, if the severity of the reason why Rory came all this way wasn't so high she would be laughing right now at Paris's reaction.

"But Monday and Tuesday we have off. I'll be back before the test."

"We had study plans."

"Paris I got into a car accident and I'm trying to fix a relationship that ended before it began over here."

"Right, yes, sorry. It's just- how is he?"

Rory sighs, "He's Jess. He didn't want me to know about what it's like for him in New York and then suddenly I up and follow him here without warning. He's... opening up. We're both working on letting each other in."

"Well, you have my number and I know you're not stupid enough to forget 911 if anything goes haywire. You sound tired, are you tired? Did you pack your medication? You know that doctor knows what he's talking-"

"Paris I have them, it's okay," She lets herself laugh a bit, "Jess and I took a nap and I just woke up before you called. Everything's fine. I'll call if I need anything."

"Good."

"Can you give this number to Lane?" Her parents had gotten her the new cell phone for her birthday, despite nothing being wrong with her old one. The only person with her number is Paris, not even Lorelai knows it. She'll probably find the box for it in her room with the leaflet with her number, try and phone. Rory's not ready to talk to her mom yet. Plus, she's eighteen now and she _needed_ to do this, even if her mom can't see that.

"Sure, you'll call tomorrow right? A check-in?"

"Sure, Paris. Thanks..." She hesitates a little. Her friendship with Paris has definitely changed since that night she cried over Jess and it seems a little odd to thank her over it, but she finishes it lamely with, "For everything."

"Don't go soft on me now, Gilmore."

"Won't ever happen again, Geller."

Paris hangs up and Rory watches the skyline for a few moments, likes the way that the colors of the sunset bleed against the buildings in a way Stars Hollow can just never compete with. Her mom and she had been to Manhatten a few times, would drive back to Connecticut when the sun would start to set and this was always her favorite part; watching the sun slowly seep down into the tops of the buildings and out of sight. 

The curtains rustle and Jess leans his elbows out, raises an eyebrow in a silent question. "You left the bed." If she wanted to tease him, she could point out the hint of a whine in his voice.

"Paris called."

"Oh, was that what that was?"

She hums, takes his hand as she climbs back into his room and he tugs her with him as he walks back to his bed. It's difficult for her to keep her eyes off his chest but his eyes are just as nice to look at and she's conflicted. She refuses to let her eyes dip any further than his elbows because then she'd start blushing all over again and she really needs to get a handle on that. Jess had always looked amused whenever he found out just how far her innocence extended to in Stars Hollow, but today he'd been nothing but soothing when the nature of his body was made clear to her. 

He settles back into bed, pulls her on top, and sighs into the junction where her shoulder connects to her neck, presses a hot, open-mouthed kiss there as Rory gets herself comfy again. "We slept for a while," She mumbles, letting her fingers trail back to his hair. It seems to be a sure-fire way of getting him sleepy when she plays with it like this. 

He hums this time, noses up her neck, and slots their lips together. She shifts a little to get them level so the kiss isn't awkward, stiffens a little when Jess groans as she brushes their hips together accidentally and his grip on her sides tighten. He makes to pull away but Rory realizes she _likes_ this. They're alone and the only thing right now that could bother them is her cellphone but they could always ignore that. She likes the way Jess just makes her feel comfortable through this all, the way he's holding himself back because they haven't discussed this at all but she's not complaining now. She pushes down onto him, brings their mouths back together, and bites his bottom lip a little. 

"Ror."

"Jess."

"You gotta tell me when you want to stop."

There's only a moment's hesitation before she answers. She was always convinced she would never have to worry about this until she was well into college; always promised her mom she'd talk about it to her when she felt she was ready. But her mom's not here and Jess _is_ and she really doesn't want to think about her mom right now. She sits upon his hips, his hands follow hers up her sides as she pulls his shirt over her head and drops it to the floor. 

"I don't want you to stop."

* * *

They lay together in bed a while later and don't have to utter a word. There's a thin sheen of sweat on the both of them, but Rory's cradled under Jess's arm, against his chest and she's playing with his hand whilst he plays with her hair.

"We need to eat at some point," He points out, lets his hand fall from her hair to her back; drags his middle finger down the groove of her spine until she shivers and presses closer.

She murmurs an agreement into his shoulder and squeezes his hand in hers, "I want Mexican."

"There's a place two blocks over if you want to walk."

She groans and shakes her head into his chest, making him laugh. "No walking. No out of bed."

"Well, Ror I think the delivery guy's going to have something to say about this."

She swats at his shoulder and lets him roll them over to kiss her. "Okay," She says, "Let's go for a walk."


	2. Chapter 2

They eat in a back booth at the Mexican place Jess had led them too and when they finished he showed her around some of the more well-lit streets. He tries not to go too far considering the subway is a gamble half the time during the day, but much seedier at night and Rory doesn't seem that far away from falling asleep on his shoulder as they walk anyway. He's kept a hand on her since they stumbled their way out of bed a few hours ago, and it scares him a little how badly he wants to keep her close. 

She trusts him - which was evident even before they slept together, but now that trust seems to have only grown - which scares him even more. She'd never been shy of that, never questioned that he deserved her trust when he'd barely done anything, never seemed bothered that he couldn't bring himself to trust her as quickly as she did him. Nevertheless, after everything he's done, she's still here, wrapped around him in _New York_ and that trust is still there; as loudly as it's always been. 

"You know I trust you," He says suddenly, "Right?"

She pauses them in the middle of the street and he tries to take a breath when she cups his cheeks and kisses him gently, "Of course."

There's question in her eyes again, but, like always, she doesn't ask what he means. He never knows why she doesn't, both loves and hates her for it. He remembers Lorelai telling him once, over the counter at Luke's, that Rory will put herself blindly into someone's hands and won't think of the consequences until they come and go again. There was a joke about a motorcycle, he's pretty sure of it, but the premise was that Rory would let him hurt her and not even realize she allowed it. He'd done that already.

He kisses her again, pins her body against a lamppost, and lets her fist his jacket between her fingers. Tries to tell her he trusts her with the way his hands tug at her hair. She tugs right back and he hopes she knows.

* * *

Despite Rory saying she's more than happy to stay and read, Hatti lets Jess off shift a few hours early and insists they go out and do something. He ends up taking her to _the best hot dog stand you'll find this side of the river, Ror, trust me_ , and then they take the subway further along the city with the intention of finding the record store Jess had told her about once when they were in Stars Hollow. 

He squeezes her waist and holds her against him when the subway cart gets too crowded, "You know, at some point, you'll have to call her."

Lorelai had found her number, left her a panicked voicemail not long after Paris hung up and Rory knows she should call her mother back, explain everything, but she can't bring herself to pick up the phone just yet. She and Jess are in their own little bubble right now, one she really likes and doesn't want to let it pop just yet. "I know," She sighs anyway, shuffling closer when more people begin to cram on, "I just- she'll try and force me back tonight if I call her now, or threaten to drive up and get me herself and it's..." She doesn't quite know how to finish that sentence. 

"You want to talk before you go back."

It's not a question and doesn't come out nearly as tense or guarded as she had expected him to say it. He's looking at her confidently, even if there's a darkness to his eyes that isn't normally there, and she nods a little, "Only if you're ready."

"Okay."

It knocks her for a loop but he just kisses her temple and pulls her out of the subway when they reach their stop. He's been touchier since last night, Rory's realized, and she likes the way it seems so natural for him to curl their hands together or pull her into him by the waist. She knows that, to some extent, it's because he feels safe in New York. People don't look at you the way they do in Stars Hollow, they don't want to know your business and spread the word and Jess seems to revel in that. He's a private guy and Rory knows why, but not _really_ why. She feels like she knows him and then he puts those walls back up. 

Everything inside of her is screaming to knock them down, make them move when Jess is adamantly refusing to let them budge. That Stars Hollow part of her brain, the part that secretly enjoys Babette's gossip and knowing which couple in Stars Hollow bowling club is on the rocks, wants to know every dirty secret Jess keeps hidden; but then there's the part of her that wants him to feel safe with her, _needs_ him to feel safe with her and come to her for that level of trust he doesn't seem to put in anyone other than himself. She sees the way he tenses when in his own apartment, a place that should be home, and it hurts her that he doesn't trust his own mother in the way that mothers should be. 

She remembers when Luke had been preparing for Jess to come over. He'd mentioned off-handly that his sister is a bit of klutz and spaced out most of the time, remembers the slight tone of judgment in her's and Lorelai's voices that evening when they were talking about it over take-out. Lorelai had done nothing but provide for Rory for so long, even when she was only seventeen and couldn't properly provide for herself. Rory had grown up so protected, so cared for, that they both just presumed that this was the dynamic that every mother follows. Lorelai had never grown up without something, never knew anyone who had to wait more than a few days for something they barely even wanted, and they thought they were at the bottom of the barrel. Turns out, there's lower in that barrel and Jess had been there for way too long. 

He squeezes her hand now, brings her back to reality. She doesn't like the look of concern on his face, had decided yesterday when she made him laugh that no other expression suits his face other than unadulterated happiness. 

"Ror?"

"I meant it." She finds herself saying, pulls him away from the middle of the street so they don't have people pushing into them from all sides. She misses the space of Stars Hollow but knows she could easily get used to the constant rush of New York. She leans against the bricks when her back meets a wall, tugs Jess closer until he leans his body against hers. There's a moment of distraction, a flash of memories from last night and then again this morning, where his breath was uneven against her ear and he was groaning through the scratches she marked into his skin. "I don't want you to talk to me unless you're ready to. I don't care if it's now or in a year or ten. I want to know everything you'll let me but only on your terms."

She feels his sigh against her chest, feels the warm gust of his breath against her cheeks, the press of his mouth against hers, "I hope you're not expecting it in one sitting."

"I think we both know you're too complex for that."

He hums against her lips, and then, "Ten years, huh?"

"Any good journalist knows to stick to a story until it's finished."

"You gonna write an article on me, Gilmore? Quite a big deadline you've given yourself there."

"Not nearly enough time."

There's something in his eyes then, something so young and vulnerable that she's almost certain it's not Jess looking at her. This person is much younger, trying desperately not to be naive in front of the world before them. "How much time do you want?"

Had this been Dean, she thinks, he'd have poked a bit of fun at her story, dangle it over her head anytime they hit a wall or try to make a joke out of it. Jess isn't. He's taking this in stride with all the seriousness she wants him to and even more. "However long you'll give me."

His lips curve up and she feels her shoulders arch into his, "You got a whole lot more than ten years then."

They part only when a fight breaks out a few feet away from them, but she sees the small smile on his face when they duck into the record store and this time she clutches his hand in her own.

* * *

They make it back to the apartment before Liz. There's that familiar pit of concern deep in his stomach that comes out when he knows Liz hasn't been home in a while and it makes him sick to think he'd enjoyed his time in Stars Hollow because he never felt it. The closest to it he'd come was when Luke was on an errand day, spent most of it on the road and he was back three hours later than he said he would. Jess refused to tell him that the only reason he'd been sat in the diner was that he hadn't heard from him, was worried something had happened. He thinks he told Luke something about being hungry and Luke only had salads upstairs. He thinks Luke saw through it; he'd been more active in calling ahead when he was getting on the road, of checking traffic before he left. 

The concern doesn't last long, though. Rory's still here and, if he's lucky, Liz won't show up again until Rory's already on a bus come Tuesday. It's still two days away and a lot can happen to Liz until then, but it wouldn't be the longest she's been away without any word.

He cooks him and Rory some burgers and they order in some fries. They eat on the fire escape again - partly because Rory likes the stereotypical New York activities, partly because Jess likes the way the sun plays with her eyes and hair as it begins to set. She's facing him this time, resting a shoulder against his windowpane as he sits on the second step; _The Shagg's Better Than The Beatles_ playing in his room, turned up just enough for them to hear a faint hum of it from out here. 

"I was six," He feels ready enough to tell this story - maybe not enough as he should be, but Rory's been patient and he _needs_ her to know why he reacted the way he did when he left Stars Hollow. Rory pauses appears to try and school her expression into some kind of mild curiosity but fails miserably. He can't look her, takes his hand off her ankle, and looks at his feet. She doesn't say anything, stays completely still, and lets him try and find the words.

"I can't remember where we lived before here, but I was six when we moved. We drove because she'd been sober for around two weeks and I thought that was it, she was done with it all for good and she'd... she'd be my mom," He sees her chest heave as she sucks in a breath more than he hears it, "We stopped for a while. She was selling things from the other place and most of it was drugs," He hates that he's being this transparent. He knows Rory wasn't oblivious, knows she saw the lighters and the pills in the bathroom, "She sold a whole bunch to this apartment full of frat guys about thirty minutes out of here. I got left in the car. She was clean and she told me she would only be a minute but when she got back it had been about an hour and she was high again. She ran into a lamp post five minutes later. I spent the night in A&E and we had to have CPS over every two days for random check-ins. She failed most of them but they never did anything about it, anyway."

"Did you get hurt?" There's a wobble to her voice and he still can't look at her because he knows she's probably crying. 

He nods, "Broke my elbow. It was in a cast for eight weeks, a lady on the ninth floor took me to get it taken off when we couldn't wake Liz up."

Her fingers flit to her own cast, he can see the slight tremor in them through his lashes. He takes a breath and carries on, "I think that was the first time I realized I couldn't trust Liz. She'd never been all that worthy of it before but she'd never backed out of a promise that fast before, not with me _right there_. I started calling her Liz after that. She was always too drunk to notice."

Rory doesn't say anything and he's glad because he doesn't know what he wants to hear right now anyway. She stays right where she is until Jess puts his plate down and beckons her over with one hand. He pulls her onto his lap and finally looks at her. Her eyes are red and glossy and her bottom lip trembles from where she's trying to hold in tears.

"Hey," His voice is so gentle he's almost convinced it's not even him talking, "Don't get upset, I turned out well enough."

It's a poor attempt at a joke but she tries to laugh anyway, instead a tear slips down and it's like the first crack in a dam after that. He rocks her a little, rubs her back, and whispers that he's fine and it's okay.

"That's why I ran," He says; if he's telling that story he needs her to see the connection, "I didn't want you to have to look at me every day and think the things I think of Liz. I don't want to be anyone's Liz, especially not yours."

"You'd have to do some pretty serious shit to ever be my Liz." She whispers in his ear and he finds himself snorting when she swears.

"Oh yeah?"

She pulls back, rests against his thighs, and fiddles with his tee-shirt as she nods, "Mhm. War crime or two _at least._ "

"Please, you'd keep me around for the inside scoop you'd get for articles."

"Amongst others."

"Dirty."

She blushes a crimson red and squeezes him tight when he doubles over into her, laughing. Later on when they're back in bed, still fully clothed, Rory's back to his chest and their fingers interlocked in front of her face, she whispers, "Thank you."

He kisses her neck, shuffles down to nestle his forehead between her shoulder blades, and his lips scrape against the back of her shirt when he answers, "Thank you."

* * *

It's three in the morning when Rory sneaks out of bed and out onto the fire escape again. She piles their plates from before on the window ledge before she pulls her phone out. She's not slept and keeps replaying Jess's words in her head as he sleeps soundly. She knows it must have been tough telling her that, knows he started off with that story because of the connection it has to her, feels warm inside because he's opening up and he's opening up to _her_.

She'd always known that whatever story he came out with she wouldn't like, but she hadn't expected one from so long ago, can't properly wrap her head around that he was so _young_ and so aware. He'd said it himself, it wasn't the first time she'd done something like that and Rory finds herself wondering just how young Jess was the first time he had clocked on to it.

She dials the house, both praying that her mom's asleep upstairs and doesn't hear the ringing or that she's awake and will answer. She gets the latter. "Hello?"

"Mom?"

There's a sigh of relief, "Rory? Rory, what on _earth_ were you even thinking-"

She hears Jess's words playback again; _"I thought that was it, she was done with it all for good and she'd... she'd be my mom"_ and remembers how broken he'd sounded. The way he'd had to heave in a breath, the way his mouth curled downwards and the way his teeth sunk into his lip.

"Mom, I love you." She wants to cry all over again, "And I'm sorry I left without talking to you. You can punish me all you like when I'm home, I've already written a list of ways you can do that and most of it centers around no books but I promise I've already learned my lesson. But... I _had_ to this, Mom."

"Rory, you weren't even eighteen for a whole day before you just up and skipped town."

"I know, but _I had to_." She stresses again, holds the phone a little tighter as the breeze picks up. This time, at least, she's fully dressed but her jeans are uncomfortable now and there's really no winning. "I know it doesn't seem that way but I've only been here one night and... we're working on it, Jess and I and... I can't explain it but he's worth it, Mom. _I had to_."

Lorelai's silent for long that Rory takes the phone from her to check the call's still connected. "He's worth it?"

There's a swell of defense in her chest like she's ready to leap to Jess's aid if her mom starts arguing, "So worth it."

"Okay," Lorelai sighs heavily. Rory knows she doesn't agree, knows she'll be making up for this for a long time to come, but she means it. Jess is so worth it. "When can I expect you back?"

"Tuesday."

"Will he be with you?"

It's her turn to sigh, "I don't know. I think he needs some time still, but he knows Luke's there and... he'll come back. I know he will."

"Okay. Have you-" She stops herself and Rory already knows where this is going. "Remember that talk we had, about- about Dean and- well, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Have you and Jess?"

Rory doesn't want to tell her. It feels like this phone call has already stuck a pin in the bubble she and Jess have created for themselves, but her mother is still her right-hand man and she knows she'll find out sooner or later. At least she's the one to have brought it up because Rory doesn't see a scenario where she would bring herself to do it. 

"Yes."

There's a sharp intake of breath and Rory can already feel their dynamic shifting once again. She knows her mother was struggling with the idea of her turning eighteen, knows that with Dean there was always a worry that he and Rory were sleeping together, knows that now that there's confirmation that she's sleeping with Jess there'll be a thousand and one different thoughts going around Lorelai's head right now. Most of them are probably about an untimely pregnancy, of Rory, repeating Lorelai's story and she also knows that Lorelai still doesn't trust Jess. She knows her mom thinks of him as Rory's Christopher; just a guy that won't be able to handle it, up and run and only play the assigned role when it suits him best when _he_ feels like he can handle it. 

Rory knows otherwise. 

"I'll call. I don't know when but I'll make sure to call. And I'll be on a bus on Tuesday." It ends the conversation and they say goodnight. Rory hangs up first, closes the window after her when she climbs back in. The noise from the streets had woken them up this morning way too early for her liking, and this time Jess doesn't have work at all. They can lie in. She's tired, all the weight of what's happened these past few days catching up to her finally, and she knows Jess prefers lying in any way.

He wakes up when she clicks the window shut, sits up and rubs at his eyes with the heel of his hands. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He kisses at the cloth above her hip when she runs a hand through his hair. He hadn't bothered with hair gel that morning and it's so much curlier than normal, falling into his eyes and flirting with the curves of his lashes. It's easier to run her hands through as well.

After a moment he tries pulling away, "It's all gross, I need a shower." She tugs him back in any way, hums something about needing one too when she straddles his hips, and kisses him. 

"We'll shower in the morning," He mumbles, already trying to get her shirt off her. She lets him drop it the floor and doesn't feel the least bit ashamed when she studies him as he takes off his, arching an eyebrow when he catches her staring. 

"You'll have to keep your hands to yourself," She points out and he scoffs, reaching for the button of his jeans.

"Sure, think you can shower in about thirty seconds? That's all I'm giving you."

"It wastes water."

"Ror," He crowds her into the mattress and starts leaving marks on her stomach, "Stop talking."

* * *

They wake up at midday and laze for about an hour before heading to the shower. He starts counting to thirty aloud the second she gets under the spray of water, but then she turns to face him with a smirk and she has a purple mark on her shoulder that he left there last night, and he only makes it to seventeen before he has his hands in her hair.

* * *

Rory wants to see the Hudson River and the Statue of Liberty, so they take a ferry boat across the river and sit in Liberty State Park. Jess is willing to take her across to the actual landmark itself, but she settles against his chest and shakes her head so they read for a while instead. His eyes hurt after a while and he dozes off in the grass with Rory against him, reading.

When he comes back around, she's moved to rest her cheek against his chest, her stomach curled around his thigh where she's propped between them.

"You know," He says gently, tries not to jostle her too much. She puts the book down, open-faced against the ground as a bookmark, but doesn't tilt her head up to him, just curves a hand around his ribs and strokes lightly with her thumb, "Liz took me Lady Liberty once. I was twelve and missed the school trip cause I thought it was lame. She dragged me all the way to the top and asked this man at the top to take our picture."

The sun's left her a tinge of red on Rory's shoulders and they're hot to touch, but he runs his middle finger over the width of them anyway as she hums against him.

"Afterwards we got pizza and we spent the rest of the day in Central Park. She taught me how to skateboard."

"Were either of you any good?"

He snorts and shakes his head, "Nah. She kept falling every few seconds and couldn't walk in a straight line to keep me up anyway." It tastes wrong, in his mouth, the happy memory mixed with the knowledge that she was sneaking alcohol throughout it and trying to hide it from him. "There were some college guys skating and they tried helping out, but they knew we were helpless after a few minutes and we left."

Rory presses a kiss to his chest, right above his heart, and he uses a hand between her shoulder blades to keep her against him. 

"I phoned my mom last night."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm," She pushes herself to rest on her elbows either side of him, "She's not happy I'm here but she's not forcing me back until Tuesday." He guesses he looks surprised because she smiles at him then, shrugs to play it off casual when she says, "I told her you were worth it."

It's not casual. She has to know that. 

He feels dumb when he repeats "Yeah?" but she simply nods and settles back into him, picks her book up again.

He plays with her hair as she reads and he tries to get his thoughts straight. This must be how she feels, when he says things with no room for backing out or argument, just as a fact that there and so simple when it's anything but that. It makes his head spin but in a good way and he knows. _Ten years... however long you'll give me_. It's not normal, another thing he knows, to want to keep someone around you met only a month or so ago. But he knows that Rory's not just _someone_. 

She's not _the one_ , not yet, but there's room there for her to become _the one_. Even if she's not, she'll forever be the girl he bases all the others off of. He doesn't want to base others off of her. Knows with unabridged certainty that no one in the world could ever touch Rory Gilmore. He doesn't want any other girls. Wants so desperately for _Rory_ to be _the one_. Thinks he knew that the moment she spluttered when she found out he'd left Rand unfinished, or left notes in his Hemingway that were just four question marks in a row and ' _is he serious? HOW?!'_. 

"I'm not coming with you, on Tuesday." He whispers. They're in a public park with a thousand other people soaking up the unexpected heat (it's October - New York seems to not care), but this is time for him and Rory. 

She nods, "I guessed."

"I'll be back the next week, though. Probably Thursday."

There's so much packed into the kiss she surges up to give him then, but he's laughing and trying to get her shirt from riding up to really unpack it all. She's happy, if the kiss and the dopey smile on her face is anything to go by, and the next time she kisses him he simply moans and enjoys it.

* * *

Rory hears Liz before Jess does - when he tunes in, his grip on her hand tightens to an almost painful point and he looks ready to bolt. She doesn't know what to do. It's all down to Jess and she wants to apologize because it'd be a much easier choice to make if she weren't here. She'd mentioned on the subway that she was tired, needed some painkillers that she'd accidentally left behind. 

She'd almost forgotten Liz lived there, too. She'd only come up in his stories but her presence in the apartment was impossible to ignore when they stepped out the room. Rory knows, now, why Jess's room is as packed and organized (hastily) the way it is. There's so much uncertainty in the rest of the apartment, everything kind of dumped where it is and there are stains everywhere from things she'd rather not know. She'd seen the pills in the cabinet and on the floor, seen the rolls of cigarette paper and the abundance of lighters. Can smell the less-than-savory smog in the furniture that disappears the second they step into Jess's room.

Rory's safe haven will always be Stars Hollow. Jess's, it seems at this moment, is that room. 

In an attempt to remind him she's there for him, she kisses his bicep and tries to make her smile convincing when he looks over at her. He nods, holds on a little tighter, and opens the door. 

"Jessie?"

He sucks in a breath and gives her a nudge towards his room. She's a step away when the light from the kitchen is blocked off and suddenly, there's Liz. Rory hadn't really drawn up a picture of what she was expecting Liz to look like, just kind of presumed she'd look like Jess but now, looking at her, there's nothing there that even resembles him. She's blonde where he's brunette and her eyes are bright where his are shadowed. 

For a moment, Liz's eyes are trained on Rory whose skin runs cold when she meets the dazed and cloudy look. Jess steps half in front of her then, blocking the path between them. He's leaning back into her ever so slightly, looking for comfort in his moment of protecting her and she presses her forehead to the contour of his shoulder blade in an effort to calm them both. She looks at Liz and thinks of his story about the car accident, gets angry at the thought of a woman too high to think about the safety of her child continuing that habit throughout the past twelve years.

"Who's this?" When she talks, her tone is so bright and cheerful, her voice much lighter than Rory had expected. Her health teacher in middle school told her seventh-grade class that alcoholics and smokers find their voices get deeper and gravely over the years. Movies show the same thing, make them _look_ and _sound_ like the villans but Liz doesn't seem that way. If Jess hadn't told her about Liz, she might not even believe that this woman was high right now - save for the eyes. 

Jess sounds far more distant, so much more disconnected when he speaks, but Rory can see the panic in his shoulders and can hear the slight edge of vulnerability in his voice, "Rory."

Rory hears Liz sigh, she doesn't want to peek around Jess and look at her. Jess has put himself here for a reason, doesn't want Rory seeing Liz or Liz seeing Rory, either way she's grateful for it right now. Liz sounds disheartened, "Jessie, I don't want you ending up like-"

"I'm not Jimmy." He grounds out and Rory slings her pointer finger into a belt loop at the back of his jeans, begins to get worried at the sharp tone that he'll step forward, towards Liz and away from her. He reaches behind him, links his pinky finger with hers at his jeans in a silent promise; keeps it there.

"I'm not Jimmy," He repeats and he's put more effort to keep calm, "Rory's my girlfriend, she's helping me get my stuff."

It's the first time he's called her that and she feels a little stupid at the skip her heart gives, especially considering the situation. His pinky flutters around hers a little bit and she kisses between his shoulders to let him know she's okay with it. They'll have that talk, but she kind of feels like they don't need it.

"Girlfriend? Honey, that's great news! You should have said-"

"You were gone. She's here to help me get the rest of my things together. She'll be gone on Tuesday."

"You're leaving on Tuesday?" Rory still can't see Liz's face but registers the hurt in her voice.

He shrugs indifferently and turns to nudge Rory by the hip into his room, closes the door after her without bothering to explain anything to Liz. The door gets bolted shut the moment it closes and they stand right there, Jess looking at Rory a little desperately but she doesn't know what for. 

"So, that's Liz?"

He nods a little, swallows, "More sober than normal."

She nods this time and he moves past her to dig in her bag for her painkillers. She takes two and doesn't say a word when he pulls out his packet of cigarettes. He's not smoked since she's been here and it's not like he's never done it around her before. He sits half out the window after turning on the stereo and putting the volume high up to block out whatever Liz is doing in the kitchen. It doesn't smell that good anyway, and it might be the first time ever that Rory's smelt food in her immediate vicinity and not wanted to eat it.

Luke would be proud, Lorelai would break into hives.

Jess watches her as she moves around the room, studies the books by his door before she yawns. He nods towards the bed, flicks his cigarette away before it's even halfway done. They undress together and she slips into his Metallica shirt again - which earns a pout from him because she'd taken her bra off seconds before and he hadn't been paying attention; she simply rolled her eyes and shoved his shoulder when he was half out his jeans to make him stumble. She'd not bothered to pack pajamas when she was rushing to get to New York, and Jess says he prefers only sleeping in his boxers anyway, only wears pajamas because he and Luke came to that agreement together. Besides, Jess says, he prefers this look on Rory and Rory doesn't mind the breeze on her looks that she normally hates in Connecticut.

Rory gets comfy first, lays on her back, and opens her arms to him. He crawls on top of her, presses a slow kiss to her mouth for a few moments before nestling his nose into her collar, and resting on of her, one thigh slotted between hers. His hips press a bit too hard into hers, to begin with, and they have to shift a few times to get comfy but eventually, they find it and Rory plays with his hair again as he draws patterns on her thighs and hips under the shirt. 

"She had a boyfriend she got engaged to when I was eight," He whispered suddenly. She knows he can hear the way her heart speeds up the way it does when he opens up a little. This is the third story he's told her in the space of two days. She'd not been expecting them so suddenly, is glad she's getting them nonetheless. "Don or something. He was a bartender for some nightclub and I think they met when she was cleaning before they opened, I'm not sure. He didn't drink though, said he hated it and Liz started going to AA. It was good for a while. He had a kid who was around fifteen. He paid for pretty much everything, took me to Disneyland once, too. Liz relapsed pretty badly a few weeks after they started planning the wedding. She went on a bender for two weeks and we had no idea where she was. He called his kid's mother to take care of him and me when the hospital called to let us know she had been admitted, then CPS took me until Liz got out of the hospital. Don couldn't handle it and said that I shouldn't be put in that situation, so he wouldn't put his own kid in it either. Gave me an old Gameboy and a few games to try and leave it on a good note. Liz sold it after a few days for more pills."

Rory buries her nose into his hair, kisses his scalp and breathes in the scent of his shampoo as tears well up in her eyes. It hurts to know that whilst Luke was babysitting her and taking her and Lorelai to the beach for the day, Jess was in the system and they had no idea. _Luke_ had no idea. She feels guilty; Luke is Jess's family, only Rory's by association and good luck that Lorelai found Stars Hollow; she can't help but feel like if they hadn't met Luke he might have been more aware of Jess. She knows he wouldn't of. He'd said himself that Liz started going downhill when their mother died, that she had left and changed her number and no one could find her. Jess was doomed from the start and she lets a few tears fall at that.

"I'm okay," He whispers into her skin, leaves warm kisses on her shoulder but he's still clutching her tightly, "I don't want you getting upset by it. Not when it's been and done."

"You deserve so much better," She says, lets him hover her and wipe the tears away.

"I have better," He presses his mouth to the corner of hers and caresses her hip, "I didn't know I would, and yeah, that sucked, but I have so much better now."

"Luke's pretty great."

"He is," He nods, smiles at her, "You're not so bad yourself."

She snorts and laughs when he tries to kiss her but loses his balance and falls half on her instead. He chuckles against her shoulder and pulls her closer to him. When they settle comfortably next to each, on their sides, foreheads together and her hand on his cheek, his up her shirt to run along her rib cage, he whispers again, "Thank you."

There's no need for a response. Rory knows he doesn't expect her to do anything with these stories; knows he just wants her to listen and let him process how he wants to; but she's thankful that he feels safe enough with her to tell those stories in the first place, that he's opening up. She wants him to stick around, never wants him to think he has to leave again. If he needs to leave, wants a breather, she hopes he knows she can give him that; that he can say he needs it and go rather than run and feel guilty later on. 

She leaves a soft kiss on his lips and tucks her chin into his shoulder as they fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paris get involved in the next chapter, bit of comedic relief after the emotional rollercoaster that was writing this


	3. Chapter 3

When Jess wakes up the next morning, Rory's still murmuring in her sleep against his shoulder. Luke got him in the habit of waking up at the crack of dawn to start prepping the diner and it's a habit he really wishes he'd grow out of but knows he probably won't. 

He can hear Liz in the kitchen again, wonders why she's up so early, and decides quickly he doesn't care. It was stupid to think that he'd get away with Rory being here and not running into Liz at all, but that didn't stop him from feeling that bit more relieved with every hour that she was gone. There's a sense of relief that she's here, though, because now the stories seem to come a little easier for him. He doesn't need to try and find connections or the right words to start them if Liz is here, because they'll come naturally the longer Liz just carries on being herself. He's glad, also, that he's not the one breaking it to Rory. 

That was what he'd been terrified of at the beginning; being the one to open the door for her to all the harshness, but now he hasn't done that. He's been given the chance to stand on the other side of the door, soften the blow. He's not all too sure if he's doing a good job at it, Rory's cried at two of the three stories he's told, got a little upset at the other one because it should be a sweet memory but it was tainted by the alcohol Liz had the entire time. Jess knows it's because it's so vastly different to what she's grown up with but stays grateful anyway because she hasn't changed her mind, has never told him to stop and that she doesn't want to hear it.

She means it when she says she wants him to feel like he can trust her, tell her all of the things swirling through his mind constantly, and he knows he can, now, and it's both terrifying and amazing.

Rory's lashes flutter against his neck and her thumb sleepily runs down his back, finding the crevice of that scar she found in Stars Hollow, "How did you get this?" 

Jess sighs at the contact, pulls her closer to prop his cheek against her temple, and kisses her ear, "Can't really remember. I think I was fifteen? A few guys down the block used to go on joy rides in Central Park on this electric go-kart thing they fixed up and were always coming back all beaten up from it. I think I tagged along a few times and just got thrown off."

It's not what she had been expecting, he can tell from the way her shoulders loosen under his arms and the little puff of air against his neck when she sighs. To Jess, it seems like she's relieved. That's a story she can deal with, doesn't need to think twice about because it's just a childhood scar, just another story for when someone asks what he would get up to. There's no trauma behind that, save for a bit more caution around electronic riding equipment.

"I have one."

He's surprised at that, even more so when she pulls away and runs her pinky over her nose until she finds the dip she's looking for, reaches for his hand, and repeats the motion. It's only small, you wouldn't notice it if you didn't know it was there, but he sees it now as he pushes himself to an elbow and the light catches it at just the right angle. 

"Look at you, in the wars." He jokes and she laughs, her fingers drift down his stomach to draw absent-mindedly as she talks.

"I fell off my bike right outside Miss Patty's," He snorts and she elbows him, lets him pull her back so they're laying how they woke up before she continued, "And I told my mom I was never riding a bike again. Then, she made me do it again the next week."

"No!" He mock gasps,

"Yes!" She repeats in the same tone, squeezes his middle when he brings her closer, "I fell _again_ and hit my nose right on the curb. Got called Scab Nose for a whole week at school."

"Poor little Scab Nose."

"Hey, I'll have you know that this was the best week of my life. Taylor's cousin came into town, saw the whole thing, gave me free ice cream every time I told him my nose was hurting. My mom used to make me go in twice a day at least for some so we could eat dessert for free."

"Manipulator," He mutters into her jaw, closes his eyes when her nails rake gently at the back of his head. It's still so early, the light outside hasn't reached his room yet, they can afford a little lie-in. It's Monday, she'll be gone tomorrow and he doesn't plan on being in New York long enough for her to come back and visit.

"Go to sleep, Jess," Rory gets herself comfy and slings a thigh over his hip. 

"Thank you," He's said it a lot since she's been here, doesn't know what brings him to say it every time but wants her to know that he means it, "For coming here."

She doesn't say anything but the press of her mouth to his forehead is answer enough for him.

* * *

Rory can't bring herself to fall asleep again but manages to stretch far enough to grab one of Jess's books without waking him up, or jostling him too much. It's difficult to read his books without getting sidetracked by his notes and she finds herself rereading entire pages because the words he writes next to them seem to give them an entirely different meaning each time. It's easy to spot rereads because his handwriting becomes more refined and confident. What she's reading now (or not really reading, just analyzing his notes) has around five different variations of the same handwriting on one page alone. She flips to the inside cover, spots _J. Mariano, 1990_ written in a rushed font. He was fourteen the first time he picked this up. 

She tries to picture a fourteen-year-old Jess; can't really conjure anything up expect the same Jess in younger clothing, face a little more chubby in the cheeks where now it's all refined and sharp edges. Rory doubts his interests have changed much since he was fourteen - but, then again, it's difficult to picture Jess being interested in anything else other than loud music and books. 

Eighteen-year-old Jess mutters in his sleep and arches his back in a stretch, aligning their chests and settling back against her. She carries on scratching his scalp, mostly because she can't move her arm from under his head without him waking up, but also because there's no gel in his hair right now and it's soft and curling around her fingertips. It also makes him lean into her a little bit more and she's indulging in the unabashed attention he's letting her lave on him. 

Rory knows that they're working on borrowed time right now. She'll be back in Stars Hollow tomorrow and, if he sticks to his word, which she has no doubt he will, Jess will follow her in a week.

She almost doesn't want him to.

New York relaxes him; he talks more freely, walks more freely, lets his shoulders settle rather than sit tense; and it looks good on him. Being relaxed. Rory knows that the second she sets foot back in Stars Hollow, they'll questions and gossip, and lord knows what else, but when he comes back it'll be all of that and glares and whispers and even more discomfort than before. 

Luke was right, Jess never made it easy for the town to like him, but the town was never accommodating with him, to begin with, either. Rory had heard Taylor call it 'small-town bias' but it's so much more than that. They heard Jess got in trouble in New York, that Liz sent him over and just presumed that Luke was picking up slack fallen on him that he didn't want. Seeing Liz, the apartment, hearing the stories, Rory thinks that if the town could see and hear it all, they'd pave Jess a golden walkway right to wherever he wants to be.

He mumbles, again, against her chin and she feels his eyelashes flutter open against her skin. He doesn't move or give any inclination that he's awake save for his thumb rubbing circles onto her hip under the band of her underwear. Rory finds it a little difficult to think she'll ever get used to the feeling of him touching her in any sense, hopes that they'll get to that point. Where touches between them come naturally like they do now, but without the butterflies in her stomach because it's new - she wants what she reads about, what they act out in movies; when the butterflies go away but the feelings don't when it all becomes so normal you get a completely new appreciation for whoever brings it. 

"What you reading?"

Rory remembers, also, a time in Stars Hollow, just a few days before Dean came to get his stuff from hers, where she'd stumbled into the diner for coffee and Jess had just woken up from a nap. His voice was raspy like it is now. She'd thought she wouldn't mind hearing that every morning, thinks she's been here for three days now and this is the first time she's really listened to the way his voice sounds when he talks. His chest rumbles with the words against her own and it's relaxing and exhilarating all in one. 

"I don't know," She says, closes the books and puts it back where she got it, "Just your notes."

He pushes back a little so they can look at each other and the small smile he gives her seems too casual for the Jess she met in Stars Hollow. There's a split second where she questions if he's ever done this with another girl, lets it leave her mind quickly after as his words to Hatti repeat back to her, _"I never liked any of the others"_. She knew there were others, she sees the way girls in the street turn appreciative glances his way, she heard the things the girls from Stars Hollow High whispered about him, and she never let it bother her then and she's not about to let it bother her now. She's not Dean, she won't be jealous when she's been given no reason to be.

"Can I ask a question?" She whispers, "You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."

He nods almost immediately and his eyes don't look guarded. He's relaxed.

"What happened? Why did you come to Stars Hollow?"

She expects him to pull away from a little. He normally does, when he tells a story, and she never gets offended by it. He needs space to find the words and she's happy to give him that because he's giving her a piece of him he didn't want to share before. He respects her need to know more about him, so the least she can do is respect his needs too - even if the entire time she's itching to hug him close, try and protect him from the horrors he's already lived through.

He doesn't though. His thumb never stops rubbing circles, and he keeps her close too. 

"She brought a new boyfriend home," He explains, shrugs casually, "Sometimes they would just get all high and mighty about nothing at all. Liz wasn't there but he was - I never even learned his name - and he was digging around the apartment for something. I don't know what but we don't have anything worth stealing anyway, and he never brought anything he could have left. He was definitely high - or drunk, something - and he made for my room, I just stopped him and he swung at me. He didn't get me and I shoved him away from me just as Liz walked in. Started yelling and crying and when the guy left she told me if I didn't like it, her bringing her boyfriend home, then I could get out and leave. It wasn't the first time she told me the door was open for me to go, but I just didn't want to stick around anymore. Luke told Liz if she ever needed anything he could try and provide but I doubt he meant sticking a kid on him. It's what he got anyway."

"There's a rumor in town," Rory says and he smirks, presses a kiss to the pad of her palm to hide it. "How was jail?" She jokes.

"Food wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," He adds on, snorts right alongside her. It's easier to laugh and joke with him here, too. She knows she'll miss it when they're back in Stars Hollow, that finding time for themselves will be difficult for a while and that Jess will find himself trapped in the town more times than would be comfortable. Knows that they'll have things to work through, like most relationships.

"Girlfriend, huh?"

"What about it?"

"Nothing," She shrugs this time, lets him roll them so he's on top of her, bodies aligned and tangled together, his elbows either side of her head, hands pushing her hair back and smoothing it down as he cups her cheeks. He's so much more tender than she expected, more gentle and, sometimes, even a little hesitant when it comes to her and she doesn't know how that's possible when he does touch her, because it seems so natural for him to wrap an arm around her.

"Nothing?"

He hums, brings their foreheads together. She wants to shiver at the warm gusts of air against her face, in time with his breathing, instead lets her hands slide up his arms.

"Girlfriend," She says again.

"Girlfriend." He nods, lingers a bit against her mouth, nips at her bottom lip, and grins at the surprised squeak she lets out. "You want to have that conversation?"

"I don't really think we need it."

"Good," He's back to whispering now, "This is more fun." 

* * *

Jess thinks Rory looks wiser in New York, a little older in all the good ways, more relaxed. It's stupid, he thinks, because Rory loves Stars Hollow, loves the small-town life, and he knows that. But he also knows the constant town gossip sometimes makes her grind her teeth, especially if she's in the center of it. He knows that the issues with Dean were the spotlight of town speculation long before they called it quits and that when they did, it became an even bigger scandal. He remembers the way she sat rigid in her seat whenever her mother mentioned Dean and the way she'd relax when the conversation switched topics.

There's no gossip reel in New York. You gossip between families and your friends but it remains at that because there are too many people in New York that nobody cares about, gossip starts and ends in five minutes here. That's a large part of the reason why he loves New York so much. You disappear in the streets and, no matter what you do, it becomes irrelevant once the day ends. That had scared one of his friends so badly that his family left, moved to a smaller city with more friendly faces. Jess understands that and finds it a little stifling, himself, sometimes; this is a city you go to once you make it, not _to_ make it. He can see himself living here later when he's older, less of a flight risk, settled down (maybe). 

He sees himself, now, going back to Stars Hollow. Not for that long. Rory has college in the fall and the only thing tying him to that town after that would be Luke (who would probably want him out of his hair and doing his own thing by then) and, of course, when Rory comes back on breaks. 

But in between Stars and New York (again), it's all blank and that excites him. He's never had a clean slate before and this time it'll be just that - _clean_. 

He's talked a lot since Rory's been here and kind of hates how nice it feels to get it off his chest and let someone in. He remembers a girl - a year or so ago - who tried to get let in, wanted to know what sob story he had that warranted the 'no-good-don't-care-about-you-or-myself-or-anyone' attitude he had adopted long ago. He can't remember her name, just that her bedroom was painted a pale blue and she always wore her hair in braids and her sheets smelled like lavender. Her hands were too rough on him, when they were alone in her room, left scratches down his back that would reopen and bleed whenever he stretched out a yawn for a week after. Her words, eventually, also became rough - when it became clear he wasn't going to talk, wasn't going to tell her why he called his mother Liz or why he escaped into books no matter how often she'd take her shirt off and kiss down his chest. She would yell and throw things, claim he's using her, and then turn around to her friends and call him all kinds of names.

Jess didn't go to school enough to hear these names, wasn't there enough to care about the way his reputation changed once again. 

Hands, softer hands, are teaching him a card game that her grandfather taught her long ago. Her hair isn't in braids. She's wearing his shirt, once again - a different one, but a shade of blue just a little lighter than those bedroom walls from ages ago. Her bedroom walls are cream and white. Her bedsheets smell faintly of Lillies and the perfume Rory wears. Her words have yet to turn harsh on him. He aims to make sure it stays that way.

"You're bad at this," Rory says, teasing. She's sat crossed legged opposite him, wins another hand at this game that he still doesn't understand, rests back against the pillows behind her. Her hair falls over her shoulders and she lets the cards fall to her thighs. She's stolen a pair of his sweatpants now, noticed that he doesn't really pay attention to what she's saying when her legs are uncovered, didn't think that the sight of her in his clothes is distracting enough.

"What you thinking so hard about over there?" She asks. He shrugs a little, stretches over to get his cigarettes and lights one, turns and leans against her thighs. He uses her empty coffee mug as an ashtray as she props up on knee, bending it over his shoulder and organizing the cards back into their right order in the right suits. Jess curls his free arm under her bent knee, draws patterns on her shin over the material of the sweatpants, blows the smoke away from her. 

"You're going back tomorrow," He tries to keep his voice even, doesn't want her knowing that the idea of her leaving doesn't sit right with him. He knows he'll follow her back, there's no doubt about it, but her leaving cements that in. He'll pack the rest of his stuff up and leave New York behind. He knows once he leaves, now that this decision is his, he won't come back willingly until the city doesn't remind him of couch surfing and screaming matches with Liz. 

"Mhm."

"You sure you wanna go?" He aims to make it sound like a joke, "You've not been here long enough to properly hate New Jersey."

"I've heard you ranting," She presses a kiss to his hairline and he sinks into it, lets his arm hang limply off the bed with the cigarette between two fingers.

"Stay," He whispers, "Wait until I've packed. We'll go together."

"I have a test."

They both sound a little pathetic, knows where the other person's standing and wants to reach them but refuses to move. He nods anyway, stubs his cigarette into the mug, and rearranges them both so Rory can fall asleep against his chest. 

It's late. They spent the day walking around Manhatten and taking pictures on the cheap disposable camera Rory insisted on buying from some guy's street cart. He's pretty sure half of the pictures she took are of him instead of the city (like she said the camera was for when she forked over four dollars for it), and they're probably blurry too, but she was smiling all day because of that camera and so he doesn't so much mind it. He'd taken it a few times, snapped a few shots of her and she'd scolded him for it at the beginning but relented when he said that if she got to have pictures of her, he should get at least two of her. She'd promised to print them off when she gets home, doesn't trust him to get them printed in New York because he would go through them and put all the ones of him in the trash.

When Rory finally falls asleep Jess unweaves his fingers from her hair, manages to get her settled as he slips out of bed and escapes to the front room, steals the phone from it's charging port, and sneaks back into his room only to climb through onto the fire escape. 

Luke doesn't pick up because it's late and he goes to bed at _nine_ like a _grandfather_. Jess knew that when he dialed the number, purposely phoned him late because he can leave it in a voicemail and deal with it later. He knows Luke won't call the number himself, doesn't want to deal with Liz nearly as much as Jess doesn't want to deal with. Luke will wait for Jess to call back, Jess knows this. 

"Luke, it's Jess. I just... I never got to say thank you, before I left. So, thanks and... sorry. I know I wasn't easy and I pressed buttons I shouldn't of, so I'm sorry I let you try so hard all that time and I'm sorry I didn't try harder. And I'm sorry for the accident. I couldn't help it but I shouldn't have even been in that car in the first place. I promised you I'd study and I just dragged Rory out instead..." He's on a time limit and he hates it, feels like this is all rushed and he wants Luke to know he _means all of this_. Wants Luke to know he's grateful because he went above and beyond what Uncles are expected to do. "Rory's all packed so she'll probably come straight to yours for coffee when she's back. I told her I'll be back. I told her a week next Thursday at the latest but I don't really have a date yet. With Liz... this'll be the last time, you know? I have some strings to tie up here but... if you meant it when you said the door's always open, I'd really appreciate it."

It's silent for a beat and then he gets cut off, his time filled, voicemail sent. He smokes one more cigarette whilst he's out there and only stubs it out because he's found in the past two weeks he can't finish a full one anymore. Rory's awake when he climbs back through the window. She pecks his mouth when he slots his arms back around her, sighs into his shoulder once he's settled.

"I don't think I want to go to Harvard."

He's spent her visit talking. He can spend tonight listening.

"I thought I always wanted to go because it's just always been _there_. I mean, I was four and ever since it's just been the dream, you know? But..." He rubs a hand down her elbow, kisses her brow bone, she finds the words she needs, "My grandpa went to Yale. I think I want to apply there, too. I'll apply to Harvard, maybe Princeton too."

"What brought this on?"

"Just thinking about the road trip Mom and I took. Did you hear about Max?"

He nods. Miss Patty and Babette have a habit of repeating old gossip when there's nothing new to rabbit on about. On the third day of his stay in Stars Hollow, he was caught up on the Gilmores. 

"When she called off the wedding we went on this spontaneous road trip and we stayed at an inn about an hour away from Harvard. We snuck into someone's dorm and I even talked in a lecture and no one knew I wasn't supposed to be there." He feels her cheek tug up into a grin against his shoulder, "But I couldn't see myself there. I thought I would. That I would just step onto campus and be able to say _yeah, I'm gonna go here_ but it never happened. Mom did. She joked about moving into my dorm with me and doing the party side of college whilst I did the learning side. I didn't get the feeling that grandpa has when he talks about his Yale days. I get that feeling when I listen to him talk, though. Like I could go to Yale and..." She trails off.

"Become Christiane Amanpour."

"Yeah," She nods. 

"So do it." He says, just as gently as she is when he talks, "Just because Harvard was always the dream doesn't mean Yale can't be the new one. And if neither of them are, and if Princeton isn't, there are a thousand and one other colleges you could go that would get you to be where you want to be. Foreign correspondents are always going to be a thing, Ror. Half the time, the college on your degree doesn't mean a thing."

"I don't want to live in Stars Hollow my whole life."

"Funny thing about towns, you get to move out if you want."

"I don't want to follow my mom's story."

"Then write your own."

"I don't want to be the Rory they want me to be."

He doesn't ask who 'they' are. Can guess. Lorelai, her grandparents, Stars Hollow.

"Then be the Rory you want to be."

"I like this Rory," She squeezes his middle and doesn't elaborate. He thinks he knows anyway; this Rory is more relaxed, this Rory doesn't have any weight on her shoulders.

"I like both," He says against her mouth, traces a finger over the curve of her jaw, "And I'm sure I'll like whichever Rory I met next."

"Thank you."

He nods against her, lets her kiss him until she slows it down and presses her forehead to his.

"Thank you," She says again.

He doesn't know what to say. Doesn't feel like he's helped all that much but accepts the peck she plants on his mouth anyway. He wants to say she's been more help than he has. That deep down she knew what he was going to say when she started talking anyway. That she's _Rory_ and she always lands on her feet so not to worry, but he knows it's not what she wants to hear. 

She curls into him that night, tucks herself under his chin as he did with her when he talked, but he knows she doesn't close her eyes until he's already fallen asleep.

* * *

Rory expects to be upset about leaving when she wakes up, but she's surprisingly and stupidly happy the entire morning. He drags her back into bed when she comes back from the bathroom, shows her just how much he's going to miss her, and they walk slowly to the busses around midday. He walks backward with his hands on her hips until his back hits a wall and then he doesn't let her go, just brings her mouth to his with a hand on the back of her head. 

She doesn't know what's so funny but they laugh against each other's lips, and yet never try to move too far away from each other the entire time. Their teeth clang together more than once but it sends them laughing all over again.

"You know," She's a little breathless when she tries to talk. He huffs a little impatiently when she pulls away, spins them round to press her into the wall, and starts working on her neck once more. Her leg gives a jolt at the image of the mark she left on his shoulder, one that matches hers (hidden by tee shirts, somewhere no one will see but she'll _know_ it's there), "I've just realized how lucky we are to have good teeth."

He hums, "Incredibly," tries to kiss her again. They're close enough to the corner of the terminal that no one looks their way - close enough to each other than anyone that does look over will know this is more of a goodbye than a hello. _They_ know, though, that this isn't a goodbye. This is a 'see you later'. 

Rory and Jess don't do goodbyes.

"Can you imagine if braces were involved in this interaction?"

"It'd be a blood bath."

She opens her mouth to say more but he swoops in and plants his mouth on hers instead, swipes a tongue over her bottom lip, pulls away just enough to mutter "I'm doing some of my best work here, and you're talking right through it," and then she's giving as good as she's getting from him.

At some point, she has to drop her backpack from her shoulders because it's uncomfortable and Jess's hands can't slide down her back the way he likes to do. Once it's fallen to the floor his hands are much bolder; they push her shoulders to the wall, keeps them caged there with his own pressing into her, pulls her hips out to jut against his ever so slightly and then his hands slip into her back pockets. 

"Don't go," He says. The sound of him breathless will never get old, she thinks. 

"I have to."

"No." 

"Jess-"

"Stay," He kisses her slow and unhurried, a far cry from the kiss they just shared, but it has the same knee-buckling effect, "Come on, Ror, do a make-up test next week. Stay with me."

"Jess."

"Stay."

"I want to but-"

"No, no but's. You want to stay, so stay. Phone your mom, tell her you'll be back next week."

"I only phoned my mom once this entire trip," Their foreheads are together again, lips only millimeters apart. She slides her hands to his front, rests them under his jacket, one right where his heart is thumping harshly against her palm. She smiles at the feeling, smiles wilder when he doesn't blush or try and shake her off. "I think she'd have a problem with me extending the visit longer."

"She's a big girl, she'll handle it."

"I told her I'd phone again and I didn't."

"Sounds like someone else's problem."

"Yes, _mine_."

"Sounds like another time's problem."

Her bus is announced over the intercom, speaker crackling above their heads. Jess sighs and kisses her again, quick and chaste, and leads her to the right bus. She turns to him once more, just before she boards, goes to say something but she's interrupted.

"Do you know where 44th is?"

She points over her shoulder and only realizes her mistake when she turns back to him only to see him trying to hide an amused smile. 

"44th's that way."

She groans, turns back to try and find that other guy in the crowd, ever the people-pleaser, but Jess stops her and, like always, she's putty in his hands when he turns her into his chest and kisses her once more.

"I'll find him, make sure he's not wandering around aimlessly, but I'm sure he'll figure it out when the numbers keep getting smaller instead of bigger. You go deal with Paris."

She can't help but peck his lips one more time before boarding the bus. The small smile on her face lasts all the way back to Connecticut.

* * *

He wants to ask why she came to New York as he watches her board the bus. Wants to say it's so unlike her, ditching Stars Hollow for a long weekend without telling anyone or making a pro-con list. He doesn't. He knows what the answer would be.

 _You didn't say goodbye_.

* * *

Paris is waiting at the bus stop when Rory's bus pulls in to Stars Hollow. It's barely one in the afternoon so the town's practically empty with people at work and Stars Hollow High still being open. Chilton decided to do mock tests for their upcoming finals this week, and Rory and Paris have only two tomorrow. The rest of the time they have off. Paris is spending her free time after her tests interning at her Uncle's management company in Rhode Island; Rory was going to spend it chilling out before they have to knuckle down with studying all over again, but she expects that her time off will now be kissing up to her mother to make up for ditching town for four days.

Luke is happy enough when they head into the diner. He has a few truckers passing through and making a pit stop at his tables, but the girls manage to snag a table pretty easily, and Rory leaves Paris with their stuff while she orders at the counter.

"Hey, Luke."

"Rory, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good, you look happy."

"Jess called," Luke nods, looks a little proud when he mentions Jess's name, "Half an hour ago. Phoned last night but it was late, left a voicemail. He wanted to know if that bed's still upstairs."

Rory smiles as she nods. She knew he'd be back, _he'd told her_ but hearing it from someone else's mouth just proves he's coming here. To Stars Hollow. Again.

"Thanks," Luke says suddenly, looks at her knowingly, "You going to study here?"

"If it's no trouble."

"Your mom's working."

"Okay."

"She'll be here at four-thirty."

"Okay."

"You aiming to be here or do I need to make up something about your bus being delayed?"

"I'll be here." Rory nods and sips the coffee he just poured, "Can't hide from her forever."

Paris calls her name, says something about taking all day when they have Shakespeare to attend to and Luke's already shaking his head and grumbling about kicking Paris out in five minutes. A few truckers look Paris' way and she glares right back at them.

Rory sighs and turns half away from Luke, "I'll try to keep her in line."

"One comment about my cap and she's on the streets."

"What about me?"

"Watch it."


	4. Chapter 4

Liz is at the apartment when he comes back. He was considering just heading to the bookstore, try and get a few more shifts out of Hatti before he leaves, try and get Hatti to help him figure out if he should leave sooner than he's expecting to; but the entire weekend has been draining for him and he just wants to fall asleep again. He hates that Rory isn't here anymore, but his mind isn't swimming anymore with words that he wants to say and he thinks he'll be able to fall asleep easier now that he's let Rory in a little.

Except, Liz is there.

She's sat in the hallway when he shuts the door after him; the soles of her feet are pressed together, her knees spread and laying on the carpet, a joint and lighter in one hand, a plastic bottle in the other. The bottle's empty and he doesn't want to know what used to be in it, knows if he gets close enough he'd find out based on the smell of her breath. He won't get close enough. The days of him cleaning up her messes when he was younger are gone now.

Liz struggled to be a mom at sixteen, and he knows he can't blame her for that because so many moms struggle at parenting in their thirties, but she should have tried harder. He was a kid, barely four years old, and cleaning up her vomit. Barely six and cooking her meals that he knew she wouldn't throw up. Barely eight and making sure she's on her side so she won't choke because she drank too much and passed out in front of his room. Barely eleven and having to skip a meal or two because Liz forgot to buy groceries. Barely thirteen and telling Luke to go shove it, because he doesn't know what it's like living with Liz now that she's worse than she used to; barely thirteen watching Luke, one of his only constant forms of security, nod and leave; barely thirteen and setting the piece of paper with Luke's number on it on fire. Barely seventeen and knowing that if he fools around with certain girls that he can sleep in their bed that night and not worry about going home.

Barely nineteen, now, and knowing that the next time he walks out of New York he's leaving Liz behind and she'll be someone else's problem.

Barely _seven_ and knowing that this woman who calls herself his mother, who claims to love him, doesn't know the first thing about being a parent, doesn't love him more than she loves the high. 

"Rory seemed-"

"Don't." He hates the sound of Rory's name coming from Liz's mouth. He doesn't want to talk about Rory with Liz, because they're two completely different people and he doesn't want Liz tainting Rory's name like that. It sounds like an insult, from Liz's mouth. It came out bitter, the way she says Luke's name when she's drunk or high or both; like she knows that it's another name on a very short list of people that Jess would do anything for. Liz was never on that list; she lost his trust before he even knew what the word meant and they both know it.

"Jessie-"

"Don't." He says again, firm and sharp. He's hated that nickname since he was five years old. Now, he finds it a little funny that she's the only one who's given him a nickname. They're terms of endearment, but the endearment he wants comes in other forms that other people know how to give. Liz doesn't. 

Liz doesn't know Jess. Liz doesn't know that she doesn't know.

"Why?" He says, doesn't need to point to the weed and the drinks, "Why couldn't you just be my mom?"

"I am your mom."

"No. You're Liz. You stopped being my mom when you crashed that car."

"Did you stop being _her_ Jess when you crashed that car?" She only gets vicious when she knows she's losing a fight and she's too far away from being sober to care. He feels a cold sweep of anger down his spine when she looks at him. She looks at him how strangers look at each other; not a hint of recognition, not a hint of _anything_. "Did you stop being _her_ Jess when you came back?"

"She understands," He explains, more so to himself than Liz. He knows that Rory understands but it sounds foreign and desperate coming from his mouth.

That little boy inside of him - still four years old and clutching a copy of _Curious_ _George_ to his chest, the four-year-old boy that thinks his mother is amazing and could do no wrong - is banging at his chest, screaming at him to _stop looking at her like that, stop being mad at Mom._ Jess, eighteen-years-old who knows more than he did when he was four, stands over here now and doesn't feel a thing when she turns her eyes up to him, sad and glazed.

"She understands," He repeats, so much conviction in his voice that it shocks even him, "Because she _listened._ She came here because she _wants_ me around. Because she _cares about me_. How many times have you left for weeks and I didn't know if you were coming back or where you even went? Can you even remember when I stopped calling you mom?"

The tears down her cheeks don't upset him the way they used to and he crouches down beside her now just so she can hear him better, "I'm leaving. In a week, maybe sooner, and I'm going back to _her and Luke_ because they _care_. You don't care about me, Liz, so now you get to stop kidding yourself that you do."

"I do care, Jessie, of course, I care about you."

"Yeah?"

" _Yes_."

"Throw that away," He jerks his head to the joint in her hand and wonders when seeing it stopped being weird for him. He remembers his classmates sneaking a puff or two behind the school gym when he was fifteen, how they laughed and found it the best thing in the world, but for Jess, it was just a normal Tuesday. "Throw that one away," Liz is looking at him, upset and desperate and he _doesn't care_ because he _knows_ where this will go, "And after you throw that one away, throw the others away too. Then crush the pills in the bathroom and flush them. Pour the alcohol down the drain. Go back to AA. Get the coins. Show me you care. I'll stay if you can do that."

It's a last-ditch attempt at connecting with the woman that should be his mother. He knows he doesn't want to stay, but he just needs _one sign that she cares_. Even now, when he's so far away from her despite being right in front of her, he needs something to show that he has a parent on his side. One parent already walked away from him and he grew up thinking the last thing he wanted to do was walk away from the other.

She doesn't need to tell him that she can't, that she _won't_ , because he sees the way her fingers tighten around the joint, threatening to crush it, and he hears the crinkling of the plastic bottle at her side. It's empty and she's clutching onto it like it's a lifeline. She doesn't let go of either of them when he nods and stands up, tries to reach for him anyway with her fists wrapped around the things that's causing Jess to walk away.

"I'm tired of running away," Jess says, "I'm tired of feeling like that's the easiest way out. _I'm tired_ and _you_ made me this way," He's desperate now because he's _tired_ and he should have said this all ages ago, "And there are people out there who want me to be better- who _know_ I can be better and I _want_ to be better. So I'm leaving. Because _two people_ _can give me something in_ _one month that I never got here in eighteen years._ "

He's never thought Liz was pathetic, mainly because he was always trying to appease that little boy still trapped inside of him.

Still trying to cling onto the good memories when his mom wasn't Liz.

Looking down at her now, she's just Liz. Not even Liz Danes. Liz Danes had people in Stars Hollow that supported her. Liz cut them off when she left, dropped all of those problems onto Jess when he was born, and let him battle out of it. 

"You can carry on with that now," He turns away from her, doesn't even slam his bedroom door after him and he thinks that's what clicks everything into place for him. He's not mad at Liz. He's not angry. 

He's _tired_.

* * *

"So, New York?"

" _The Tempest_ is not set in New York, Paris," Rory deadpans, "Even Stars Hollow High taught us that much."

There's a swift kick to her ankle and Rory drops her pencil to the floor, glares at Paris. They've been studying for close to three hours now and Luke's only threatened to kick them out four times, so Rory's considered this a win. Paris hadn't even brought up New York once, which Rory considered another win, but now that she seems to be done with her practice questions, she's decided now's a better time than any to bring it up.

"Seriously, New York."

Rory sighs, peaks over to see Luke's busy counting up totals behind the counter. It's not that her trip was a secret, but she'd rather Luke heard about this trip from Jess if given the choice, or when they're not in the middle of a diner and not when Paris is questioning here. Some things you can tell your friends but they're _not_ things that family should be first in line to hear.

She tells her what she can get away with; that they spent most of the days sightseeing or in the bookstore Hatti owns, that Jess is opening up (but she didn't go into detail with that, knows better than to air Jess's laundry out like that), that New York is ten times scarier than she thought it would be but also ten times better than she thought it would be, too. Paris asks a few questions ( _did you get pictures? did you... you know... with Jess? what was it like? why can't we talk about it? so what if we're in the diner, no one's listening- OI, stop eavesdropping!_ ) and only stops because Stars Hollow High has finally finished their day and the diner starts getting filled with students quickly. Rory recognizes a few but doesn't make an effort to keep up with what they're doing, doesn't feel the need to smile or wave at them if they don't first - they never did when she studied there, there's no need for them to start now.

Lane doesn't show up, probably has to go straight home; no doubt Mrs. Kim has heard about Rory and New York so that'll be _at least_ two weeks until Lane can be seen in public with Rory again. Stars Hollow is used to Mrs. Kim though; no one will snitch if they see Lane disappearing into the Gilmore's. 

They try and study for a few more moments until Luke comes to top up Rory's coffee and points out Lorelai's due in a few minutes. Paris is quick to pack up and remind Rory that they're meeting bright and early in the Chilton library tomorrow to have a last-minute quiz before the test, before she ducks out the diner and towards the bus stop.

Rory moves to a smaller table with two chairs, coincidentally further away from the groups of teenagers by the counter and door. She spots a few of Dean's friends at a table right by the door and crosses her fingers in her lap that she won't have to deal with Dean today. It's been a long enough day for her today, leaving New York and traveling back, dealing with Paris and internally freaking about this conversation with Lorelai, to deal with Dean on top of it would make her step into traffic. The last time she'd seen him, he'd stopped by her house the night after the accident. She'd broken down into tears right there on her porch when she grew tired of the pitying yet smug look on his face (she remembers, now, the way his eyes had said _yeah I drove away from you and that had hurt, but he drove WITH you and you ended up in the hospital_ and there's a cold chill of anger in her). 

"Hey," Rory looks up and there's her mom, business suit, and handbag, face a little solemn. It's weird. Rory had expected her to be angry or offended, to want to shout at her for being careless and just leaving - for going to _New York._ She knows she's the nerd of the family, but she knows her mother is capable of looking up the crime statistics for Manhatten and reciting them by heart in the middle of a lecture just to drive her point across.

Lorelai doesn't do any of that. She sits down calmly, waits as Luke tops up their coffees (all the while shooting Rory glances that scream 'it's cool, you're okay' and sending Lorelai ones that say 'go easy on her, she's a kid, but she's _your_ kid so do what you want'), only starts talking when he's safely behind the counter again.

"So, New York?"

It's so much like Paris but this time Rory wants to talk about it even _less_.

"I meant it on the phone," She blurts out, feels the rambling come on, "He _is_ worth it but I have a list of ways to punish me. I wrote them on the bus. And I got you a gift! But that doesn't make up for it. I was stupid and careless and I should have talked it out before I just up and left. I was so completely reckless and I deserve no books for thirty years - that's on the punishment list, by the way, do you want to see it-"

"Rory, breathe Hunny." 

"Are you mad at me?"

"I'm not happy about it," Lorelai says in her Mom voice. Rory hates the Mom voice. It rarely comes out which makes it all the worse, "I'm not happy about it, but you're eighteen and I can't stop you now, not really. Just- something better than _'hey mom, going to find Jess, Luke gave me his address, love Rory'_ next time, yeah?"

"There won't be a next time," Rory says a little meekly. She's still poised, ready for the lecture she's sure is bound to appear any time soon, "He said he'll be coming back next week."

Lorelai hums, noncommittal, and that flare of anger is back in Rory.

"You don't believe him?"

The look Lorelai gives her conveys it all; she _doesn't_ believe him. After all, she thinks Jess is just another Christopher. She doesn't need to say it out loud for Rory to know.

"He said he's coming back. He told me he would. Told Luke."

"And he's always told the truth."

"Mom!" 

"No, Rory," There it is, the desperation for her daughter to just listen to her. Rory's always had Lorelai's back, Rory knows she has because that's their friendship, but she also knows she's way overdue her own opinion. She'd listened to Lorelai's opinions on Dean, the way it turned from 'I don't like him' to 'he's the perfect boyfriend', knows that Lorelai still thinks he's the golden boy and that their break up was blown out of proportion. 

"Listen to me," Lorelai says, "He's trouble. I know Jess. I know boys like Jess. They're dangerous and that makes him exciting but it all comes to the same answer, Rory, he's not good for you. He broke your wrist-"

"-it's fractured, he didn't do it-"

"-he up and left town, and when he was here he did nothing but cause trouble and _that's_ what makes him appealing to you. All he needs is a motorcycle and he's your regular James Dean. I don't like him, Rory, and as your mother, I have a right to that opinion. I can't stop you from seeing him, you're not sixteen, but I do not have to like him. Especially not with the way he's clearly influenced you-"

"How?" She interrupts her, doesn't care that Lorelai's clearly unhappy about it, "Because I went to New York? I already told you why I did that."

"Would you have done it for Dean?"

" _Why_ is this about _Dean_ now?" Rory wants to shout but the diner's too busy for that. She keeps note that Luke's not too far away but doesn't seem to be able to hear. She doesn't want her Mom comparing Jess to Dean, not when they're so completely different, but she especially doesn't want Luke to hear it. Luke cares about Jess, has always seemed to be in support of him and Rory, never liked Dean. It sucks, knowing that in this moment she's so far away from her own mother, but there's a comfort knowing that Luke, an ever-present constant in her life, is right there in her corner backing her up. 

"Rory-"

"No!" She's snapping at her now and she doesn't _care._ She knows that this is her mom and she'll forever have an opinion on who enters Rory's life, but first and foremost this is _Rory's life_ and she's tired of molding it around the other people in it. She'd told Jess _"I don't want to be the Rory they want me to be"_ and this is her now. She doesn't know what Rory she wants to be but she knows it'll be better than the one who lays on the floor and lets people walk over her, the one who lets people fit her into whatever they need her to be that day.

"No," It's stern and sharp and forceful, "My relationship is _my_ relationship, Mom. You got a say with Dean, you _still_ have a say with Dean even though it's over now. It's _my turn_ now. I liked Dean well enough but that relationship wasn't healthy. I see that now and if you don't then you'll need to take my word for it, because he was so focused on pleasing _you_ and making sure he came across as the _golden boy_ that it made me miserable when I had to say no."

"And your relationship with Jess is healthy? Him running away is healthy?"

"Healthier than being Dean's doormat, healthier than letting Dean guilt me into canceling plans just for him and a whole lot healthier than Dean driving away from me because I couldn't tell him I loved him when he said it to me." Her mother looks like she's just been smacked in the face. Rory can see Miss Patty in the table next to them eating her soup much slower than she normally would and she finds relief in her that _she doesn't care_ about any of it. 

Let the town talk. She's happy to talk louder this time.

"You don't have to like him," She says, slower now but no less in control, "Hate him for all I care. You have every right to. He's been less than polite at times. He wrecked my car. He didn't come to the hospital with me. He ran back to New York. Plenty of reasons for you to hate him. But he apologized, tried to be more polite. He paid for the car to be towed back and fixed - did you know that? Gypsy said when she dropped it back off that it was already covered for, that Jess paid for it himself. He called the ambulance that got me, kept my arm from actually breaking while we waited, made sure I was _okay_ before he talked to the police. And in New York? He _talked_ , Mom, he talked about everything he didn't want to talk about but knew I wanted to know and he listened when I wanted to talk. You don't have to like him, but you need to respect that I do and we're going to try and make this work."

Her mom doesn't have anything to say and Rory leaves. Luke's closer than he was before she started talking, gives her a wink when they pass each other that tells her he heard her speech and he's proud of her. That, alone, lifts her spirits more than they would if Lorelai had said she liked Jess. 

She feels lighter when she walks across the town square. She's not reliant on her mother's opinions anymore and it makes her want to jump in circles but also break down into tears. 

That light feeling comes crashing down when she turns onto her street and spots him.

* * *

"You're giving me more work," Hatti grumbles as Jess lugs the last box into the back of her truck and hatches it closed. 

"You said I could use your basement," He points out, knows that she's fine with this but just upset with it too. He's leaving this time and he means it. He's going to Stars Hollow and after that, he's not sure. Hatti knows he won't be ready to come back to New York for some time, and Jess knows she loves this city too much to try and support him anywhere else. He knows she wants to offer - Hatti's the closest to a Mom he'll ever get and that feeling is suffocating but comforting all in one - but he also knows that he needs to do this by himself. Luke and Rory will be there, but they know he needs to do this too, that most of this new journey is one that only he can take, but he knows, also, that they'll always be in his corner.

"When you going?"

They sit on the edge of the sidewalk between the back of Hatti's truck and the hood of some run-down car that's lived on this block longer than Jess has.

"A few days," He shrugs, "I told Rory Thursday next week but... I need to get out and there's not as much to do here as I thought there was."

"I like Rory."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He feels proud of Rory. He thinks that feeling has always been there, wants to believe it started right at that moment when she gasped and looked personally hurt when he said he hadn't finished Rand. Mostly, though, the only thing he remembers about that first meeting was being surprised. Not many people have strong opinions on books without being a jackass about opinions that oppose theirs, and they aren't his age or nearly as great as Rory is.

She has her flaws; he's not stupidly head over heels for her that he's blind to them; but so does he and she's aware of them too, and she's _still_ sticking around. He knows she's battling her own flaws like he's doing with his, and that she'll talk when she wants to because her flaws don't press down onto her shoulders and make her want to let the ground swallow her. His does. His flaws lunge and bite at anyone that gets close enough, tries to drag them down with him; Rory's main flaw, the biggest one he can name, is she's a people pleaser and wants to help all the time - and it's great, people like her for it - but it means she doesn't know when to stop and Jess is worried that his own flaws have already sunk themselves too far into her. She's constantly holding her hand out for him, trying to raise him back up and, mostly, it helps but he's pretty sure there'll always be an anxious need to put space between them - to keep Rory the way she is, to let her in.

"I like her too." He says, loves the way it feels right when he says, loves that he _knows_ he means it. "She's pretty great."

"You seem happy."

He nods, looking at his shoes, doesn't want to see the look in Hatti's eyes because he feels like he's been nothing but loved these past few days and he's not used to it.

Finally, "I am."

A tender (motherly) kiss to his temple as he's pulled into Hatti's side, "Good, you deserve it."

He sinks into it.

* * *

Rory doesn't know when Dean started looking like the victim of his story. His hair seems to have grown quickly, falling over his forehead, unkept and making him look ragged. His clothes still don't fit right, he's grown taller (which she didn't think possible), and his shirt kind of hangs off of him in an unattractive way. He's wearing a leather jacket and it doesn't look nearly as appealing on him as Jess's does on Jess.

"Rory." Again, his voice makes her want to bathe in ice water. It grates at her skin, makes goosebumps rise on her arms, sets her teeth on edge. It doesn't sound right anymore. 

"Dean."

"Heard you went to New York."

She nods, steps around him with enough room to fit a car between them and walks halfway up her porch steps before turning to face him. She doesn't want him on her porch. Last time they were here she broke down in floods of tears. Last time they were here she didn't know where she stood with Jess. This time she won't break down. This time she knows where she stands.

Likes where she stands a whole damn lot. Dean won't ruin this for her.

"He here?"

"He will be. What's it to you?"

"Just making friendly conversation."

She doesn't gift him with an answer. He shrinks his shoulders into himself the longer she stares at him. The ugliness from his personality is seeping out of him the longer she studies him and she finds it difficult to not have noticed it sooner. He's always been attractive, visibly, but she's seen the underbelly of the beast now and there's no turning back. She doesn't want to turn back. She won't let herself.

"How's the arm?"

"It's fine."

"Cast coming off soon."

"Four days."

"Well-"

"What do you want, Dean?"

He takes a step closer to her and she won't give him the satisfaction of moving away. If he chooses to see that as she wants him close, he can. Rory knows the idea of him touching her makes her skin crawl, but the idea of letting of think he affects her makes it crawl even more. She feels nothing for him, nothing positive at this very moment, and she's still running on the high of standing up to her mother.

"I came to apologize," He says. Rory thinks he's trying to make it sound sincere but it sounds like nails against a chalkboard to her, "I was a jerk, you were right. I want- I want to give this another shot. I want to give _us_ another shot. We were so good together, Rory. Let's be good together. Let's make it work this time."

The warm sweep of relief makes her stand straighter, makes her smile, genuinely, at him and it seems to catch him off guard. She lets him step closer, lets him take her hand before she speaks. "I'm so glad you said that."

"Yeah?" He grins and when he does he looks like the cat that got the cream. It's smug more than anything.

"Yeah," She nods, squeezes his fingers in her own and leans just a little closer until he closes his eyes, expecting a kiss, "Because this time I get to be the one who walks away."

She doesn't look back at him when she closes the door on him. She knows this isn't the last game she'll play with him. If he wants to have another crack at their relationship, she's the first to know he'll spin the game as often as he can into his own favor. 

The thing is, their game never had another player in it before. Jess is new and exciting for her, but he's new and a challenge for Dean. The opponent. 

And Rory doesn't want to play the game. She's _happy_ with Jess, can't describe just how willing she is to wade through both of their flaws and come out winning on the other side. The past four days have just cemented that in. She wants _Jess_ and Jess wants _her_ and she's not going to let Dean, of all people, ruin that for her.

* * *

He phones her that night, scolds himself a little because apparently he can't last twenty-four hours without hearing her voice (tries not to stray on the fact that it's not even been twelve hours, actually, and he's _pathetically_ into this girl) and justifies it by telling himself that it's _them_. It's an established relationship. It's expected, right? 

She picks up quickly but seems distracted, "Hello?"

"Hey, is this Fagin?"

"Dodger," There's that smile in her voice as she starts paying attention, "Got good news for me?"

"Depends, how's Friday sound?"

" _This_ Friday?"

He hums, stretches his legs out on the bed, props his free hand under his head and smiles to an empty room. "This Friday," He confirms.

"As in, after Thursday?"

"And before Saturday. Right in between, very comfy."

"I- I have a test."

"You'll pass it, I'll see you after. So?"

"Yeah!" It seems to be the only thing she can say and he doesn't feel bad when he laughs at her excitement because she joins him soon enough.

"What are you doing?"

"Just studying. Paris wants to meet before the test tomorrow for a fire-round and apparently I don't know nearly enough about _The Tempest's_ backstory as I should do."

"Mhm, what you wearing?"

"Jess!"

"What?" He laughs, likes the way her laugh rings through the phone, "I'm kidding. So, _The Tempest_?"

"You want to hear about it?"

"Absolutely," He gets comfier, kicks his shoes off.

"I have a lot to say."

"I'm counting on it."

"Jess?"

"Ror."

"How's New York?"

"You just left, it hasn't changed much."

"Jess."

He sighs, takes his shirt off too because it's too hot in his room suddenly. "I talked with Liz."

"Yeah?"

"Yep. Just what I should have said a long time ago." He doesn't want to elaborate over the phone. He wants to tell her in person. It can wait until Friday.

She seems to understand, "My mom and I talked. Or- well, _I_ talked and she listened. Luke's happy you're coming back. Oh, and Dean wants to get back together."

His heart stops cold and he finds himself sitting upright all of a sudden. "Excuse me?" He knows Rory won't, but Dean's the golden boy of Stars Hollow; he's heard all about how the breakup was 'just teenagers being teenagers, they'll get back together soon enough' and 'they were so good together, they'll figure it out' and he thinks he'll always be insecure about that. He knows he and Rory are compatible, but he doesn't know what Rory and Dean talked about before he came along. Wants to find out but doesn't at the same time.

He trusts Rory, doesn't think she'll go running back to Dean, but that doesn't mean he's not allowed to be a little anxious.

"Yeah," Rory sounds so casual, "I walked away."

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

"Didn't wanna give that another shot?"

"No. I'm happy." She doesn't say _with you_ but he hears it, settles back down into his covers, and smiles.

"Good."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm. Would be a shame, anyway. No one else has read Kerouac and I have some new opinions we haven't talked about yet."

"What a coincidence, me too."

"That is a coincidence."

"Although very convenient."

He hums again, lets the silence rest between them. It feels natural and he doesn't let the thoughts in his mind take over. Finally, he breaks it, wants to hear her rant again, "So, _The Tempest_. Hit me."

She takes a deep breath before she spirals into it. If Jess could have an out-of-body experience right now and witness the way he's grinning at the ceiling with the phone pressed to his ear, he'd probably want to hit himself. 

But's that alright, _he's happy_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to get the first confrontations from lorelai and dean out of the way so we can delve deeper into it in the next chapter and not have it so head on so quickly, but for those of you were said you were excited for the confrontation; don't worry! more is coming!


	5. Chapter 5

Rory doesn't think she'll ever get the hang of Chilton - which only serves to worry her because she's about five weeks away from taking her finals and after that, she'll only have to go back to graduate (which is terrifying in itself). She's glad to turn her back to it today, just seconds after she handed in her last test paper, practically running to catch the earlier bus to avoid hanging around the bus stop for the next one.

It's Thursday, which means she only needs to wait a few more hours until Jess is back tomorrow and they have the whole day together, which is really the only motivation that got her through the past two days with grueling tests and study sessions with Paris. In an hour, Paris will be in a car heading for Rhode Island, and Rory plans on spending some time at Luke's to see Lane through her first shift. 

Luke had been mentioning getting another staff member on board when Jess was still kicking around, wanted to give himself, Jess and Ceaser some much needed time off once in a while, and before she had left for New York Rory got to see how having only two people working the diner affected the service. She thinks it'll be good; Lane needs out of the house and this means they don't need to sneak around when they hang out - and it also means that when Jess starts working again it'll be easier to find time for themselves, especially with Chilton giving their seniors days off to study at home. 

She also thinks it's on track to be a disaster. Luke's tense at the best of times, hates people behind his counter, wants his routines to be kept exactly how he likes them. Lane grew up with Mrs. Kim's strict rules and quick performances and, whether she notices or not, Lane transfers the same attitude into everything else she does.

Right now, Rory's excited for a large coffee, a doughnut, and a front seat for the show.

The bus ride went swimmingly. She got to read some more of her book, no one tried sitting in the empty seat next to her or start a conversation and the driver even managed to avoid that pothole that catches him out every time by the Stars Hollow sign. She should have known it was the calm before the storm, because as soon as her foot hits the pavement Dean's right there leaning against the bus stop sign, hopping to stand upright when he spots her.

"Rory!"

Absolutely bloody brilliant.

"Here," He practically shoves a cup of coffee from Weston's into her hands and she barely manages to stop the lid from popping off and emptying its contents down her uniform, "How was school?"

"Fine, shouldn't you _still be_ in school?"

It's only half-two. She'd expected to have enough time to go home and change before heading to Luke's. Lane's not due to start her shift for another forty-five minutes, which is triple the amount of time Rory needs to change and walk over. She wants to talk to Luke, too, about what he'd overheard the other day at the diner between her and her mother. It's not that she's been avoiding Luke's, she's just been avoiding the _town_ , and Luke's diner is right in the middle of it all. Besides, it's easier to hide out from the town in the safety of her room studying, then in the middle of Stars Hollow's favorite hang out.

"Mishap in the chemistry block."

She nods, studies the coffee cup in her hands with a gaze way too intense than it warrants. Weston's has nice enough coffee, she's learned from the times where her mom and Luke have fallen out, but it feels like she's cheating on Luke's diner with it in her hands now, when - as far as she knows - Luke and her mom are perfectly fine.

"So, about the other night." He doesn't trial off, doesn't pose it as a question. Rory thinks he's edging for her to start talking, because apparently _now_ is when he wants to hear what she has to say. If she thinks back enough, she can pinpoint more than one occasion where he'd told her he didn't want to talk about whatever she brought up, can pinpoint even more where he'd started them off on a topic she didn't want to talk about either but he'd insisted. 

Sometimes, Rory feels a little guilty of the things she thinks about when it comes to Dean. She knows that all in all he was a good first boyfriend. A _great_ first boyfriend. She was lucky to have found that as the benchmark. That doesn't take away from the fact, however, that his bad points are _bad_ and shouldn't be overlooked just because they had some really great times together. She was happy with him until she wasn't. That's fine. That's normal. It's not her problem or her fault that she moved on first.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to apologize."

"So you said," Rory nods. She desperately wants to throw the coffee in her hands away. It's an attempt at a peace offering. It's an attempt at a peace offering she can do without. She'll be civil and mature around Dean, she knows how to do that, but she refuses to entertain any idea about getting back together with him. She's seen what she needs to see. She's _happy_ and she's happy with _Jess_. The two don't compare to the feeling she used to get with Dean.

"So, yeah." It's not an apology and it sounds a little pathetic. Rory's trying hard to not make Dean the bad guy in their break-up, but he's not helping matters here. He didn't apologize the other night and he's not apologizing now. She has her own points to apologize for during their relationship, but why should she warrant him with one when he can't even get the words out?

"Okay," She says, nods, turns to leave. There's another bus pulling up and they're the only ones standing at the stop. She wants to move out the way so the driver doesn't think they want on, especially since this one is heading into Hartford and she's still in her Chilton uniform.

Dean's hand on her elbow stops her just as she's got her back to him. She drops the coffee in shock of it all - it's the arm in the cast that he's holding and, whilst it's not painful anymore (more of a nuisance than anything else) the weight of his hand pulling her back a little makes her wrist twitch uncomfortably in its limited space to move.

"Rory, why can't we talk about this?"

A few people get off the bus and she considers jumping on just to get away from this conversation. Dean following her onto the bus, demanding they talk? That'd make him look like the bad guy. He wouldn't follow her. 

But that's the cowards way out and Rory's tired of shying away from conflict.

"Because I don't want to!" She grounds out, spins on her heel to face him, and wrenches her elbow from his fingers, "I don't want to, Dean, and you need to respect that. We broke up _weeks ago_ , I've moved on and I'm _happy_ so if you want to apologize for what happened, then okay. If you don't, even better. I'm with Jess and I'm not going to break up with him because you want another shot. There are hundreds of other girls in this town, Dean - some of who made some very positive comments about you when we were still together. Find one of them to talk to."

He won't follow her into Luke's because they never got on before, doesn't want to face Luke when Rory's clearly upset by this all, and it doesn't feel like a coward move because she got the last word in. It's not all she wants to say to him but it's all she can bear to say to him right now.

Luke raises an eyebrow at her, flicks his eyes outside and spots Dean still standing at the bus stop with the Weston's cup at his feet.

"You throw coffee at Dean?"

"Wish I did," She grumbles, happily accepts the mug of freshly brewed coffee Luke pushes over the counter to her. "Thanks."

"You'll ruin your stomach."

"Want me to go throw it at Dean?"

"If it'll make you feel better." There's no one else in the diner right now, save for an older couple in the corner eating eggs and bacon so Luke crosses his elbows over the counter in front of Rory.

"Heard you had a test today."

"Two," She nods, drops her backpack to the floor. She can hang around for a while, maybe see Lane before she heads home rather than after, "I think I did alright. Studied a lot. Even if I didn't, they're only practice. Finals aren't for another few weeks."

He nods, "Well you're a bright kid, you crushed it, I can tell."

"Thanks, Luke."

He clears his throat and looks out the window as she sips at her coffee, before finally turning back to her. She sees now that him and Jess have the same eyes; Luke's dad clearly passed them onto son and grandson. 

"So, Jess is home tomorrow. I'm assuming he told you?"

Rory smiles and Luke's shoulders loosen a little, "Yeah, he mentioned on the phone the other night. Did he give you a time?" She asks. He said he had some things to wrap up in New York, loose ends to tie off, but he's already back a whole week earlier than he originally thought. Rory knows he's itching to get out of New York, away from the memories it brings, but she's also aware that New York has been Jess's whole life and there's a level of comfort in that city that he won't ever be able to match here. New York gave him the worst times of his life, but they also gave him the good points after them, too.

"Not exactly, you know Jess," Luke rolls his eyes but Rory sees how fond it is, "He said 'whenever I get on the bus' which is super helpful, as always from him. I offered to meet him in Hartford, save him changing buses but he said not to bother finding someone to cover and he'd just meet me here."

"Does he know Lane's working here now?"

"I mentioned it," He nods, "He's working with her on Saturday and he seemed alright with it. Did you introduce them?"

"Not really," Rory sighs, "They both like the same music though, so I've been the middle man between those discussions. Jess nearly pitched a fit when I couldn't remember the name of _The Shagg's_ song Lane was talking about. I had to suffer through forty-seven minutes of him explaining their whole album. I get a shorter one from Lane when I told her but it was no less mind-numbing."

"I think I got the same one from him," They chuckle together and Luke tops up her coffee, "Thanks," He says suddenly and clears his throat before he says, a little awkwardly, "For going after him."

She doesn't know what to say, curls her fingers around the coffee mug for something to do.

"I know you did it for you two but... I honestly didn't think he'd want to come back and I know he decided that himself but, you definitely played a hand in it." He explains, drops his eyes to the counter where his fingers are picking at a stubborn crumb leeching to the counter, "It's been nice, having him around and it's weird now without him."

"Quiet." Rory supplies and it makes Luke chuckle again. The older couple leaves after paying and then it really is just Luke and Rory.

"You know he used to be a quiet kid," Luke says gently, starts pulling his wallet from his back pocket. "I took him fishing when he was... six, I think? Here-" He hands Rory a picture he untucked from between two ten-dollar bills. It's been folded twice to fit in the small space, but the folds uncurl effortlessly as if Luke looks at the picture often. Rory unfolds it the rest of the way, is met with a picture of a little boy crouching in front of a huge lake. It's clearly Jess, missing a front tooth and sporting a streak of dirt across his left cheek, but his hair is a mess of curls across his forehead and his eyes sparkle just the way Rory witnessed in New York. In the picture, he's wearing what's clearly one of Luke's checkered shirts and baseball caps. The sleeves swallow his hands whole and graze the pebbles under his feet as he crouches, and the baseball cap sits like a halo on his head, she can only presume the bill of the cap is sitting between the backs of his shoulders.

"He and I had only met once before that," Luke was talking again, voice softer than Rory had ever heard it before and when she sneaks a glance at him he's looking at the picture in between them. "Liz- well she was Liz, but Jess was a kid and he shouldn't have seen that. Liz kicked me out when she saw me there, but Jess knew who I was when he got dropped off here a few weeks later."

"He'd been in Stars Hollow before?"

Luke nods and taps his finger against a chip on her side of the counter, "Did that," He chuckles, "It was like three in the morning when CPS dropped him off and he was pitching a fit about wanting to know where Liz was. This lady was basically lugging him over her shoulder just to get him in here and when she handed him over to me he kicked the counter so hard I could have sworn he broke a few toes. I took him to the cabin an hour out of here so people wouldn't ask questions. Also so Liz wouldn't come stumbling into town. I took him fishing and he threw the salmon right back in after we unhooked it. I had to take him back up to New York the next morning but... he got to be a kid. He asked a lot of questions, sure, but mostly he just kept to himself. I don't think he remembers it."

Rory understands, now, why Luke fought for Jess so hard. Understands that Luke knows how tough Jess has had it, even if not to the full extent. Understands that Luke really does just want Jess to feel safe here, even if just for a short while. 

"Was that before the accident?"

Luke doesn't look surprised that she knows, but there's a hint of shock in his eyes anyway like he's surprised Jess opened up about it. He clears his throat, folds the picture back up, and puts his wallet away again when the picture's safely inside. He nods, "The accident was about three days after I dropped him at the hospital to see Liz. I tried to get him back here but Liz hadn't listed me under anything so I couldn't prove I was his Uncle. She had a few fake I.Ds on her and none of them said Danes."

"You know he thinks you're great, right?"

Luke scoffs but Rory knows he's trying to play it off, is a little uncomfortable with the way this visit has gone, "Please."

"He does. He told me."

"Yeah well..." He trials off but changes his mind, smiles meekly at his hands, "He's not so bad."

"Could be worse," She jokes and Luke laughs, pushing away from the counter to grab a rag just as the bell dings above the door. The diner starts livening up with people then, so Rory pulls out her book again and sips at her coffee, waits until Lane starts her shift.

* * *

It's half-ten at night and Jess refuses to go back to the apartment. He has his bag by his feet and Hatti promised to store the rest of the stuff he wants to keep until he can figure out a gameplan to get them to Stars Hollow. 

After his talk with Liz on Tuesday, she'd avoided him and the apartment, which was fine. There was a little bit of him that wanted her to be there, maybe fight a little harder to keep him around but he also knows that she thinks of him as the problem. Liz knows she's off the wire more than she's on it, knows that she needs other people to come and fix her messes, and Jess knows that she just considers _him_ as one of those messes that needs to be fixed. So it's easier if she's away. He and Hatti managed to get his room clear of everything he wants to keep, get them away from the street before Liz stumbled back from wherever she is. It's easier without her. Jess has always known that.

He hadn't bothered to book a ticket in advance - despite Luke basically having a stroke when he heard it - because he knew that if he needed an earlier get out it would be so much quicker to get a new ticket than exchange one. Liz found her way back to the apartment an hour ago and had her new friends in tow. All of them were too high or drunk to care where they were, started raiding the cupboards and bathrooms for anything else they could sniff or swallow. 

It felt anti-climatic; leaving through the fire escape with his bag on his shoulder to avoid Liz and whoever she brought back; but it also felt fitting. This is an activity he's been doing since he was thirteen and a little part of him feels good that he's leaving on his own terms when _he_ wants, away from Liz and stripping away the last opportunity she could have to try and guilt him into staying. 

The only thing is, he's not quite ready to go to Stars Hollow yet, and not ready to sleep rough in New York one last time. He doesn't bother buying a ticket and finds a bench in the bus station furthest away from the ticket booth so he can't see the man behind it give him questioning looks. 

Jess knows he's ready to start a new chapter of his life. He's been stuck in this one for way too long. He's run away from this place before, but he'd always known he'd be back - willingly or not. This time, he's eighteen and Liz clearly doesn't care what he does with his life from this point onwards, and New York doesn't hold the same security he thought it did anymore.

The city was his security blanket from Liz, a maze to get lost in where she'd never possibly find him until he showed up again - a disappearing act she'd also perfected - but there's no Liz in the maze now. 

He brings his hood over to cover his eyes, leans his head back against the wall, and thinks about the last time he'd called her Mom.

* * *

He's in Doose's when she finds him.

"Luke, my man!"

"Oh for the love of God."

"Oh come on now, cheer up bud."

Luke's paying and Lorelai takes a little bit of pleasure at the way he cringes when she begins throwing tins into the paper bags without much thought. There's more food there than he would normally eat, and the box of Frosted Flakes is sticking out of one. Lorelai thinks back to the first time she'd helped lug grocery bags up to Luke's apartment before Jess got here, at the way Luke was basically tripping over his own feet to try and make the place fit for a teenager. The place is nice, now, mainly because the offending posters of playboy bunnies and metal rock bands that Lorelai was expecting never made an appearance, just a grungy teenage boy and a crap-load of books.

She grabs one bag when Luke grabs two and even opens the door because, in another life, Lorelai was clearly a gentleman.

Lorelai knows he had heard Rory's speech, knows Luke agrees with it because _of course,_ he'll side with his nephew. There's no reason for him not to side with his family. 

Lorelai would do the same.

Except, she _is_. She doesn't explain this until they're both safely in Luke's apartment, putting the groceries away. 

"I think he's Christopher." There are definitely better ways to start that conversation. She hasn't been able to stop her eyes from fleeting to Jess's side of the apartment. It's harmless enough, a bed that looks too small for Jess let alone Jess _and_ Rory (which soothes a little of the panic in Lorelai's chest) and piles of books around it. There's a red drinks crate poking out from under the bed, with stacks of CDs peeking through the cracks. The place isn't a mess like it was the first time Jess came to stay. The closets can actually close now and she knows that Luke's militant cleanliness would be on show if she were to open Jess's; that Luke would have drilled it into the teen to hang his shirts up and not chuck them on the floor or chairs. 

Luke stops with his hand half out of the cupboard above the sink, "Excuse me?"

"Jess," Lorelai puts down the tin in her hands and tries to keep her eyes on Luke and not Jess's stuff, "I think Jess is Rory's Christopher."

Christopher had a clean room, she remembers. Lorelai had a big bed, she remembers even more, but that hadn't stopped the two of them from using up as little as possible of the space to stayed glued together the second they started sleeping together. If she thinks about it, tries to envision it in this room, the two of them would have made it work on a single bed, no problem. 

"My Jess?"

"Well considering I don't make it a happen to know a lot of eighteen-year-old boys, yes, your Jess."

"Lorelai, that's- no."

"No?"

"No."

"Sorry but I didn't realise interpretations could be wrong of all a sudden."

"He's not Christopher."

"Luke, think about it-"

"No, Lorelai!" He spins to face her. The same look he gave Taylor at the town meeting when Luke was defending Jess is back on his face now, but it's pointed at her and it's less fun. "You do not get to compare _Jess_ to Christopher. You just don't."

"And why not?!"

"They're separate people!" He's close to shouting, she's ready to match his volume if needs be, "Christopher was sixteen and there was a kid on the way and, if I remember you telling the story right, _you_ were the one to leave, to come here. I'm not saying I agree with the way he's handled the rest of parenthood but I understand his first reaction. Jess is eighteen and his mother doesn't want him-"

"Hey, my relationship with my mother was never peachy-"

"She loves you!" Luke takes a step back, shocked to hear the words come out from his mouth and Lorelai's lapsed into silence. Luke takes one calming breath and carries on, "In her own way, Liz does love him, but not the way you love Rory. Liz is- Liz is Liz. I clean up her messes. I always have. Jess gets sent down because she can't handle him but really he's sent here because she doesn't know that he's not just another one of her messes to clean up. Think about how difficult that has to be for a kid to hear? And then he gets here, and he acts out - as _any_ kid would in his position - and the town turns on him. And then he finds a girl - who he really likes, by the way - and he makes one little mistake and there are only two people in a town of two-thousand who want to hear his side of the story."

"He broke my daughter's-"

"It was fractured, Lorelai," It's crisp and stern and Lorelai knows, now, why no one wants to get on the wrong side of Luke, "She fractured her wrist. She said it herself, she threw her hand out and it landed wrong. You can't pin anything on Jess that Rory doesn't put there first. Jess is a good kid, he's good with Rory and she seems happy enough. Isn't that what matters?"

"No. She's my daughter and-"

"And what? You know what's best? For an eighteen-year-old? What were you doing at eighteen, Lorelai?"

She doesn't want to answer. She knows Luke isn't shaming her for raising a child at eighteen, that Luke loves Rory like she's his own daughter and that this more of a conversation that parents would be having together, not a mother and the man that supplies the coffee. At eighteen, Lorelai was juggling a one-year-old, a new job and a new town all in. 

"Rory's not doing any of that," Luke says, more gently but no less pointed, "Rory gets to be the eighteen-year-old kid you never got to be. Try and tell me that, right now, if you were eighteen you wouldn't be running after a kid like Jess."

"That's the problem."

"Then don't punish Jess for that."

Luke turns away from her, carries on putting the groceries away. Lorelai hands them to him silently and looks mostly at Rory's copy of _Emma_ sat on Jess's pillow.

* * *

"So..."

Rory crosses her legs, looks at where her mother's stood at her doorway watching her. It's close to midnight and Rory can't find it in her to fall asleep. Three books sit neatly in front of her but none of them are pulling Rory in. The house is stiff and tense, the point of a stand-off between mother and daughter. 

There had been an emergency at the inn yesterday and Lorelai had been forced to drive back and forth between Stars Hollow and Hartford for most of the day. The two of them hadn't had a chance to discuss what happened in the diner two days ago, as Rory had fallen asleep listening to Jess talking about music on the phone when Lorelai came back home. She'd been gone again when Rory was awake. There was no reason for her to be at the inn, Rory knows, but they hadn't completely resolved the disagreement of Rory going to New York before they had the blow up about Jess and Dean, so Rory knows her mother left just to avoid that conversation.

"The Inn okay?"

Lorelai nods taking a small step into the room but keeps herself leaning against the door frame. Says all in one breath, "Yeah, all sorted now. Michel was having a breakdown over laminating and Sookie was Sookie-ing about her raspberry sauce and there was a cuffuffle about the bride's candle placements but we... we sorted it."

"Good."

Lorelai sighs, makes the first move, and sits on the edge of Rory's bed. Rory doesn't move, plays with her fingers as she looks at her mom.

"It's not that I don't like him," She says gently, "I don't like him, but that's not what the problem was."

"Well then what is it, Mom?" Rory's been trying to find out what it could possibly be, other than the obvious New York thing, but she's been drawing blanks all day.

There's another sigh, one of acceptance, and there's also a small smile on Lorelai's face when she turns to her daughter, "You're me," She says with a shrug, "You pull these big gestures and don't think about the fall out because you _need_ to do it. You're chasing after this boy who your mother thinks is no good but you're determined that he _is._ You're me and I'm my _mom,_ and I thought I was given a get out of jail free card from that when you came along because you've been so not-me all this time."

A beat of silence.

"You're right," Lorelai carries on, looks out the window above Rory's bedside table because she doesn't want to see whatever expression Rory has on her face, "I don't have to like Jess, but I should be respecting the fact that you want to have him around."

"Thank you."

"No blow up for me?"

Rory's already pushing the books away and closing the distance to fold herself in her mother's arms, "I've done enough blowing up this week."

"Good," Lorelai mumbles into Rory's forehead, "Want to get pizza?"

* * *

He gets the local bus because it makes more stops and he can prolong his arrival in Stars Hollow a little bit longer - when he reaches Hartford he decides against waiting any longer, gets on the fastest bus to Stars Hollow.

* * *

It's weird, falling asleep in a bed without Jess, which is even weirder because they'd only shared a bed for four days and Rory had eighteen whole years to practice sleeping _without_ him before that.

* * *

Luke's dead asleep when Jess creeps in. Jess takes a moment to look over the apartment, takes in the way it's not as stiff as the one in New York. His bed is made, but not in the way he made it before he left.

 _"Luke let me in after I ditched the party_."

She'd shown up in New York wearing his shirt, a pair of his sweatpants in her backpack. She'd stayed here before she followed him to New York. 

He leaves a note stuck on Luke's forehead, knows that when Luke finds a comfortable spot in his sleep he's an unmoveable log until he wakes up again. The post-it won't move unless he starts snoring particularly violently, and if that is the case, quite frankly, that's Luke's fault. 

There's nothing calming about the complete silence of Stars Hollow, not for him; but New York's consistent noise wasn't soothing for him either. He'll find a happy medium somewhere, at some point, but Rory's in Stars Hollow right now and he promised he'd show up for her. It's a little warm outside and her window's just barely cracked open past the safety lock. Would this be anywhere else, an open window on the ground floor would be a safety concern, but this is Stars Hollow and the scariest thing around here is Kirk's naked sleepwalking - Jess experienced that once whilst out for a cigarette, keeps trying to convince himself it's just a really vivid nightmare.

He's out of his jacket and shoes by the time Rory sleepily blinks her eyes open. Her eyes are dazed in the way he recognizes from early mornings in the diner, she's still clinging onto sleep but there's a furrowing of her brows that tells him she's trying to figure out if she's actually seeing him or not.

"It's a dream, I'm actually Paris."

"Like Paris would be caught dead in that shirt."

It's his Metallica one, the one she wore when she came to New York. She loves this shirt, he knows she does, he had to wrestle it off of her before she left. He just scoffs playfully at her and shrugs it off too.

" _Now_ you could be Paris."

"Life's dream," He peels the covers up and slips under them, "Scoot over."

He tucks one arm underneath her, waits until she gets comfy with her cheek on his bicep, slips his free arm around her waist, and pulls her towards him. "Hey," He mumbles against her forehead, presses even closer when she squeezes his middle. 

"You came."

"I told you I would."

"I know, but.. you came."

Jess knows what she means. It's difficult to believe one person when everyone around you is saying the opposite. He's pulled from his thoughts when she brings her mouth to his for a moment before settling back down. Her lips skim his collar with each breath and the erratic beating in his chest soothes them both sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a shorter chapter - but the real fun starts when Jess is in town, let's be real.
> 
> also I made an [insta](https://www.instagram.com/roryjessluke/) so... check it out? I'll be active on there more often and I'd really like to interact with some of y'all too!   
> I'm thinking about taking requests for fics (more details on my insta) so go check it out over there and drop a follow if you want x


	6. Chapter 6

For a solid minute after Rory wakes up, she's convinced she's back in New York. Her cheek is resting comfortably between her pillow and Jess's jaw, one of her thighs has been hitched up his middle and her arm's around his neck. His fingers are playing with the long strands of her hair across the mattress, his fingers on his other hand running curving patterns gently up and down her thigh slung over his hip - she's wearing pajama pants this time around, but she can practically feel his skin ghost against hers like he did so often in New York.

It's still dark outside but there's the buzz of morning threatening to break the comfortable bubble around them.

Jess hums when he realizes she's awake, detangles his hand from her hair to push her in closer to him by her shoulder, "Morning."

"G' morning." She mumbles, trying to fight against the deep need to just fall asleep again. It had only hit her last night after she packed away her study materials for the weekend, that she's been moving constantly since getting on that bus to follow Jess. Even when they were lazing away in his bed her mind was on high alert, listening whenever Jess was speaking - whether it was a story about Liz that made her want to cry or a rant about Coldplay - and always hyper-aware of his skin against hers.

"I gotta go soon," He whispers, sweeping a kiss to her cheek as he talks, "Luke doesn't know I'm back yet."

"Your stuff?" Apparently, it's not the time for full sentences just yet. Doesn't matter. Jess doesn't need them to understand what Rory's saying. 

"At the diner already," He proves her point, "Luke was asleep. I wrote a note."

"Copy cat."

He hides a snort into her hairline and pushes her back a little so they can rest their foreheads together. Rory finally opens her eyes, kind of melts when she sees Jess properly for the first time in two days. 

_Two days._ It's kind of a pathetic, really, how desperately she always wants to be around him. It'll pass, she knows, because it passed with Dean. The difference was, she didn't want it to ever end with Dean. It was new and exciting and Rory was worried that they'd lose that all when the novelty of seeing him wore off. 

She wants to get past this with Jess; because, yeah, this is great, but she knows that she'll like the calm phase with Jess just as much as she likes this phase. And getting past this phase means they're both in this thing together, that they're committed to making it work. 

Which sounds _great_ to Rory.

"What time is it?" Rory asks, brings a hand up to stroke the sharp ridge of his jaw with two fingers. He's not shaved in a few days, looks exactly the way he did the first time he was in this room. It's a little funny to her; the first time he was here he was trying to climb out the window and ditch out on the night, this time he'd climbed _in_ the window to spend the night.

"Half five," He answers, tucks some hair behind her ear, and curves two fingers under her chin, "I got to be back before six if I want to talk to Luke before the diner opens."

"It takes three minutes to get there, stay for another twenty-five."

He rolls his eyes but she knows it's all teasing, smiles as he whispers, "Bossy," and leans forward to kiss her.

* * *

It's way too early to make out with Rory right now. She's still blinking away sleep from her eyes and they both have morning breath (which never adds anything nice to making out), plus Jess would rather not get turned on before having to climb back out the window. 

Also, Lorelai's only a staircase away from them. Jess knows she doesn't like him as it, knows he'll get no points in his favor if she stumbles into Rory's room only to find him in her daughter's bed - especially if he's trying to cop a feel in the process. 

Rory seems content enough with the short press of their mouths together before settling back into the crook of his neck, though, and he's happy enough to carry on drawing patterns on her pajama pants. They have penguins playing in pink snow and Jess will _definitely_ be teasing Rory about them later on. 

"Jess?"

"Mhm."

"Are you okay? With Liz?"

"I've never been okay with Liz," He sighs, shifts so he's on his back and pulls Rory with him so she's half-on him. She rests her chin to his shoulder, keeps her eyes open on him even when he has to close them. When he's talking about Liz he'd rather not be touching Rory, needs space to find the words and how to string them together; but he's not planning on letting go of her right now, so closing his eyes and trying not to get overloaded with the sense of her touching him will just have to do.

"She's not happy I left, which is nothing new," He shrugs, knows it doesn't come out as casually as he wanted it to but it's Rory, he doesn't need to lie, "I told her- I told her I'd stay if she threw it all out... Said all she had to do was turn away from it and I'd stay and we'd get through it. I knew she wouldn't but... there's something about not hearing her say anything about it that says it all."

"I'm sorry," She says and there's no pity in it, she means every word but any pity she has for him she's hidden well, "I'm sorry you didn't get what I have."

"I think I turned out all right without it," He has to kiss her quick, to ground himself and show her he's okay, "Besides, I'm all me. There's no Liz and I prefer it that way."

He asks about her tests just to change the conversation and she talks about the questions and about Paris's crazy study methods even after he needs to get up and redress. 

"I'll kiss you proper after you brush your teeth," He mumbles even as she brings him back down so their mouths fuse together. She hums and nods a little, smiles in victory when he aligns their bodies against each other over her bed, kisses her good and proper despite the lack of toothpaste. 

"I gotta go."

"You're not even working today," She half-whines, hooks two fingers through the belt loops of his jeans, and keeps him close when he tries to separate them. It's good to know she wants him to stay and he can't help the tender, somewhat soppy, smile he gives her. He smoothes her hair from her face, cups her cheek, and pecks her twice in quick succession.

"I'll do you a deal. You let me go now and when I come back - at say... half-eleven? - I'll bring Thai and we can make fun of crappy 80s movies."

She grumbles and points but nods anyway, buries herself under her covers again after he's safely landed on the ground on the other side of the window. It's slightly colder than it was when he made the walk a few hours ago, so he hurries a little to get to Luke's. By the time he's closing the apartment door after him, Luke is making his way out of the bathroom whilst adjusting that cap on his head.

It's good. The way Luke claps him on the shoulder casually and they fall into the rhythm of making breakfast together again. 

"Thanks," Jess says, as he gets slices of toast buttered while Luke scrambles eggs and fries bacon, "For letting me come back."

"Same rules apply, you gotta graduate."

"Sir, yes, sir."

"And no having Rory up here... teenagering."

"Teenagering?"

"You gotta wash your ears out?"

"I just didn't realize that was a word. Can you use it in another sentence?"

"If I catch you and Rory up here teenagering I'll throw your books into the deep fryer downstairs."

"Huh."

"I mean it, Jess," He turns and points the spatula at him, "I don't want to walk up here to find a half-naked girl in my apartment."

"Sure, we'll come up with a system," Jess grins, purposely digging into Luke because it's fun to see the vein pop in his neck when he's trying not to let it get to him, "Like a sock on the door or something."

"Is this funny to you?"

"Depends on the pattern of the sock."

"Jess-"

"Luke, I get it," Jess says, meets his eye to prove he's serious about this, "I don't want to screw this up again."

Luke studies him for a moment, nods, and turns back to the cooker.

* * *

Rory purposely doesn't tell Lorelai about Jess being back for two reasons - one; she knows her mother still doesn't think he's going to stick to his word, so letting her see him herself will be ten times better than telling her she was wrong, and two; there's no way of telling Lorelai _how_ Rory knows he's back without admitting that he'd spent part of the night. She knows her mother agreed to make more of an effort when it came to trusting Rory's opinion on Jess, but saying that he'd snuck in and out the window won't help matters at all.

Jess isn't in the diner when they arrive and there's only a small part of Rory that's upset by it. Even knows that Lorelai is aware that today is Friday and that today's the day he's supposed to be back, and sure it's only half-ten and they have the whole day ahead of them, but there's a little smug gleam in her eyes when they sit at the counter.

"Anything else other than death juice?" Luke asks, slightly chipper than normal when he slides their mugs over to them. Lorelai gives him a suspicious glance - he's normally grumbling, even Rory can see Miss Patty sitting timidly on the other end of the counter when Luke rocks on his heels.

"Doughnuts."

"Sure thing."

"No health-junkie speech?"

Rory grins right back at Luke when he passes her a warm doughnut and he sends her a barely-there wink before he answers Lorelai, "If you've not learned by now I can't help you. I'll have charts for next week."

"I love the charts, did you add glitter this time?"

"No."

"If there's the glitter I won't learn. Come on, Luke, you know this." That gets a grumble out of him and he moves on to serve someone else. 

"Is Lane working today?" Lorelai asks. Rory knows that she's working today and that she doesn't quite know how to handle Rory not being at school for the next few days by herself - normally she'd have Lane to hang out with after she finishes school, but now that she's working Lorelai's concerned Rory's going to be bored out of her brain. The Inn has three weddings in the next two weeks and so Lorelai's spending the majority of her days at working putting out tantrums and mini-fires. Normally Rory would be there with her, doing the smaller, tedious items on the long to-do lists (like name cards for the tables or folding towels for the guests' room) but Lorelai's told her not to worry this time; she's been focused on her tests for so long she just needs to talk a step back and chill out.

"Yeah," Rory nods, "I think she's coming straight from school and then staying until around eight."

"I'm surprised Mrs. Kim's letting her."

"Lane said she gave a presentation about how it'll look good on college resumes and will help her with her work ethic later on," Rory explains, finishing off her doughnut and wiping her fingers on the napkin, "Also might have slipped in that there'll be less time for me to 'corrupt' her with music."

"Smart girl, that one is."

"Or just sneaky."

"What's the difference?"

Rory can tell the moment Lorelai clocks into the feet on the staircase because her eyes flicker to Luke taking an order by the door and her eyebrows knit together. Rory hides a triumphant grin with the rim of the coffee mug when Jess appears from behind the curtain, already shrugging on his coat and ignoring the eyes zoned in on him. She doesn't know who knew he was coming back, but Miss Patty gives a little surprised squeak so obviously not a lot of people were clued in. 

"Good morning," He makes a beeline for Rory, matches her little smirk before he leans over the counter to kiss her, "How's the wrist?"

Smart boy, pretending they didn't already have this conversation not four hours ago.

"Feels good as new. They're taking the cast off on Monday."

"I'll get the balloons ready." He turns his head to look at Lorelai, nods a little, "Morning."

"Morning, Jess." It's a little curt, probably more surprised than anything but Rory still gives her shin a light kick under the counter, "How was New York?" _Great going, Mom_.

Jess only tenses a little, and only for a split second, before he gives an indifferent shrug and starts pouring coffee in a to-go cup, "Busy." Is all he says, passes the coffee to Rory and directs to her, "Luke wants me to go run an errand, I'll be back in an hour."

"Can I come?"

"It's in Hartford."

"Okay."

"No."

"What? Why?"

He dangles a set of car keys from his middle finger and jingles them, "I need to drive."

"Okay?"

There's no hint of the playfulness there normally is in his eyes, and he's dead serious when he taps two fingers on her cast. She hears her mother suck in a breath, knows she wants to put her two cents into this conversation but is holding back because she made a promise. 

Rory also knows better than to argue. Jess seems adamant that Rory's not getting in Luke's truck with him, so she sighs and nods. "Fine. You'll come over after?"

"Right after I drop everything here." He nods, gives her one more kiss, and nods again at Lorelai before leaving. 

Lorelai pointedly doesn't look back at Rory when she angles in her seat to watch her. She downs the rest of her coffee and rummages in her purse for her keys, "I've left you money for take out on the counter."

"Thanks."

"If he's going to eat with you make sure he's not in your room."

"Okay."

"I mean it."

"I know."

"Rory-"

"Mom," She interrupts, squeezes her wrist as she stands up and collects her to-go cup from the counter, "I promise we'll sit at opposite ends of the couch and if things get heated I'll start reciting _The Sound of Music_."

Lorelai humphs but nods and they hug each other goodbye outside the diner. When Rory decides to take a longer way home and walks past Miss Patty's, she hears the woman in question telling Gypsy from the steps that Jess is back in town. 

_And it starts_ , She thinks as she rounds the corner.

* * *

"You know the entirety of _The Sound of Music_?" He asks as he kicks his feet up on the coffee table, gets comfy as Rory leans back against him with their fingers tangled together on her stomach.

"Yep," Rory nods, "Mom taught it to me when I was ten. Said it was an important life skill."

He snorts, leans his cheek against the back of the couch, and closes his eyes. "Did you talk to Luke?" He hears her ask gently. 

"Kind of," Jess mumbles. He hadn't gotten a lot of sleep on the bus, only managed to snag two hours when he got back from Rory's before Luke was kicking the mattress to wake him up. Rory's thumb rubbing patterns on the back of his hand is soothing and the warm weight of her back against his front is making him sleepy, "He didn't really say much other than what he did the first time around. Have to graduate, have to be nicer to customers even if it is Taylor - oh, and you and I aren't allowed to be teenagering in the apartment."

"Teenagering?"

"That word not in your fancy illustrated dictionary?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Huh, should fix that."

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

He pitches his voice into Luke's gruff one just because it's a terrible impression and it makes Rory laugh, _"If I catch you and Rory up here teenagering I'll throw your books into the deep fryer downstairs."_

"Not the books!"

"Yes, the books!" He squeezes her, grins as she melts further into him, "So you better learn to keep your hands to yourself, Miss."

Rory snorts this time, shifts to lay on her side so her forehead is leveled with his lips and her cheek is on his chest. They lounge in silence for a little while before Jess drops his hand to her hip and traces circles over the fabric.

"Can I tell you another story?" He feels dumb asking. He's not exactly wired to talk, especially not about his relationship with Liz, but Rory's time with him in New York took them across yet _another_ line. No matter how uncomfortable he feels at times, he knows that this is a step he needs to take. Not just for his and Rory's relationship, but also for himself. It feels good, getting these stories out, even if it makes his skin crawl midway through telling them; but, as always, Rory listens and doesn't tell him the same soppy crap CPS would dish out when they forced a story from him.

She nods slowly against his chest, "Of course."

His chest feels a little tight all of a sudden and he tries to swallow through it as Rory keeps her eyes off his face and on their linked hands in front of them. When Jess still hasn't spoken for a few minutes, she whispers, "Want me to go first?"

"You got one?"

She nods, and Jess is grateful that she seems to know that he wants her to start. "I don't think I'll ever grow out of Stars Hollow. I grew up here and everyone around me has really helped me get to where I am, but I can see myself getting tired of it. Especially when I go to college, you know? I'll be away more often than I'm back - probably - and it's not that I'm scared of not wanting to come back. I'm scared Stars Hollow is going to become a novelty when it shouldn't be. It sounds stupid."

"No, it doesn't. This is your home, Ror, there shouldn't be anything novel about it."

"Did New York not feel like a novelty?"

Jess sighs, knows that this is his opening for his story and a way to answer her question all in one, "New York was never really home," He tries to make it casual like he always does with his stories. Rory knows better, reacts with the emotions that the story warrants - with the emotions Jess kind of wants to give out but refuses to let himself feel. Rory's thumb stops rubbing patterns on his hand.

He squeezes her fingers and carries on, "Never felt like it, anyway. I'm pretty sure you have to make it your home, or some other crap people are always telling you, but Liz never let us stick around one place long enough to make a home. That apartment you came to is the one we've lived in the longest and that's only 'cause CPS started leaving us alone. That's when I started finding other places to sleep - when Liz started trying to make it a home."

"Where'd you go?"

"The first few times? I made a few friends at school when CPS was tracking my attendance. They knew about Liz so they would lie to their folks and say we were working on a project late and that way I could spend the night. When I turned fifteen I stopped going to school as much, lost them. After that... subways, the stairway two floors up from Liz... anywhere a little bit warm, really. It stopped being so bad once I turned sixteen. I still had a place to go when Liz and I had cooled down from whatever fight, so I never felt like I could really complain about sleeping rough when I was the one putting myself out there."

"Why'd you do it?"

"Liz would drink - or smoke or whatever it was she was doing - and would find things to argue about. Sometimes other people would be there and they'd start it," He shrugged, pressed a firm kiss to Rory's forehead when she sniffed a little, "Hatti was always there, though, when I left. Never asked questions. Gave me that job so I could get out during the day, too, so there were less arguments but there was also fewer reasons to go back. I knew Liz was alright because she would start a fight with me. The way I saw it if she was with it enough to make full sentences during an argument, she wasn't as off the rails as she could be."

Jess holds back a shiver when Rory adjusts herself to sweep her lips against the high points of his collar, but holds onto her tighter so she slides between his thighs and aligns their chests. He forces himself to make eye contact with her now, cups her to cheek to tuck her hair behind her ear, and bring their foreheads together in one motion. 

"This is your home, Ror," He says gently and her eyes are still shining, "Liz isn't Lorelai. You have a support system here most people would kill for. Stars Hollow is always going to be a novelty for everyone else but not for you. Nothing around here is going to change. _You_ will. That's normal. But you'll come back for holidays and weekends here and there, and the only difference will be Miss Patty asking you about college and not Chilton. I can guarantee it."

"It's not stupid?"

"It's not stupid," He confirms.

"Sounds stupid compared to your story."

"Our stories aren't comparable but even if they were, it's not stupid. I don't think you could ever say something stupid."

"Rand is so much better than Hemingway."

His fingers sink into her hips and she tries jumping back as she squeals, "Stop, Jess, stop!"

"Take it back!"

Rory kicks her legs out as she falls to her back and Jess follows, pins her thighs down with his knees and tickles her through her delighted screams. This is refreshing for him, just getting to act like teens after unloading all of that on each other, and he indulges in the way Rory's laughing freely underneath him. Her hands dance across his body in half-assed attempts to push him off and tugging at the back of his hair to throw him off.

"Stop playing dirty, Gilmore."

"You started it, Mariano."

He smirks at the way her eyes widen when she realizes her mistake, but his fingers fly from her stomach to under her arms and then she just gets louder as she laughs. Her legs try to press against her stomach in reflex but all it does it knock Jess a little off balance and drop down on top of her. He nuzzles into her neck from this position, still tickling her, because he knows his stubble against her skin makes her laugh too, and because her hands reach around him to grab onto the back of his shirt and the weight of her hands on him will never get old.

"Take it back."

"I refuse."

"Refuse?"

"My mother didn't raise a coward."

"Might words for someone with nowhere to go."

The way her body moves against his now, just as his fingers have halted to let her breathe, makes him swallow to fight back the impeding reaction he knows Rory wants to coax out of him. Her hands move to his neck and hair, her back arches up into him and _yeah this is bringing back some good memories._ Jess is all but slapping himself sideways for the way his mind races back to lazy mornings and late evenings locked away with Rory in his bed in New York (and a rather fond memory of the shower), and her lips brushing against his ear is not helping _anything_.

"I think I have the upper hand here, Jess."

"Give me a minute."

She pulls him harder against her and he pushes himself the rest of the way when her teeth nip briefly at his ear lobe, _really_ playing dirty now.

"That was so not a minute," He huffs out and she laughs, even when he fuses their mouths together. 

Jess does _try,_ but he's still a teenage boy and they're not known for self-control for a reason. Besides, he _really_ likes kissing Rory and it's not his fault guys were designed with parts that showed that. When Rory starts putting her all into the kiss Jess tries to kickstart his brain to play the 'not-a-turn-on-movie' he's conjured in his mind. Kirk's naked sleepwalk, Miss Patty when she pinched his cheeks that one time, Babette and that ice-pop, Luke throwing up after that night Al's Pancake World sent them the wrong order by mistake. None of it worked, because Rory ran her fingers through his hair and tugged a little, and - quite frankly - when Rory demands your attention, you give it to her.

He's cursing and praising the doorbell when it rings. It gives him an excuse to get up but Rory's not having it, pulls him down by the shirt when he manages to put about an inch of distance between them. The sight of her flushed and a little breathless is enough to make Jess drop back to his elbows and kiss her again, tangles his own fingers into her hair to keep her head steady and put some pressure off her neck from the slightly awkward angle.

The doorbell rings again, partnered with a rapid knocking on the door, but they both ignore it this time - it's easy for Jess to drown out the noise when Rory gives him a sound of warning but it comes out like a whine. He happily presses themselves against each other when she wants it, props her thighs against his hips, and aligns them with hers when she circles his waist with her legs. That really speeds things up, and Jess is just demanding more from the kiss when the doorbell _and_ the hammering on the door start back up again in rapid tandem. 

"Go away," Jess yells, hushes Rory's snort with his mouth, but that just makes the hammering on the door turn into a pounding and both of them huff when they pull apart.

"Make them go away," She says with a push to his shoulders and just grins innocently at him when he sits on his knees before her.

"I am _not_ answering the door like this, Ror."

"You look cute."

"That is so not the problem and you know it."

"Make whoever's at the door leave and we'll deal with it."

He's practically already on his feet because he's a teenage boy and the promise of anything sexual is a surefire way to get him to do whatever Rory wants. He's easy, sue him. "Manipulator," He calls over his shoulder, just for good measure and he catches her to sit upright and sends him an indignant look in the hallway mirror. 

He shoots her a wink and a grin as he opens the door, hears Rory groan in annoyance just as he turns to see who's on the other side.

 _Well_ , he thinks to himself, _not turned on anymore_.

* * *

Rory's beginning to think that the universe really doesn't want her to have anything nice with Jess, because whenever they find themselves in a good spot whoever's in charge decides to throw a spanner in the works and stop things dead in its tracks. They had their first kiss and they got into an accident that fractured her wrist and made him leave. They finally started opening up and she was forced back home for school and everyone criticizing her boyfriend.

They have a _moment_ and _Dean_ shows up at her door.

Acknowledging Jess seems to be pretty far down on his priority list after that first look because Dean just addresses Rory over Jess's shoulder, "Babette said she heard screaming."

"She's fine," Jess grunts and Rory stands when she sees his tense shoulders and white knuckles against the door.

"I wasn't talking to you."

"I'm fine," Rory parrots Jess's words, stands a little in front of Jess to keep him from making a step forward - drops her hand to meet his at her hip, "Great, actually," She adds just to feel Jess's fingers tighten in a support caress for a fraction of a second.

She straightens, knocks her shoulders back against Jess's chest in the process and revels in the way his lips briefly meet the back of her head despite the fact that she _knows_ he's glaring over her at Dean. "Can we help you?" She asks, sees Dean's eyes narrow at the use of 'we'.

"Is Lorelai here?"

"No, she's working."

"When will she be back?"

"Not sure, she's pretty busy these days."

It's not that Rory's trying to flaunt her relationship with Jess in front of Dean's face - in fact, that's the exact opposite of what she wants to do; they may have ended on bad terms but it doesn't mean she wants to rub anything in his face, especially after he told her he wants another shot - but when Jess's arm curls around her waist from behind, she can't help but lean back into him. She remembers, briefly, standing behind Jess when Liz was there, how she had pressed her forehead to his back and breathed with him to keep him calm. Rory's not sure if Jess is steadying his breathing now for her own benefit, or hers, but it helps and she tries to match the rise and fall of his chest against her shoulders.

"Can we help you?" Jess asks and Rory can practically feel the effort of keeping his voice collected. 

Dean's eyes flash between Jess's arm around her waist and Rory's fingers skimming against Jess's elbow at her hip before he answers, "Can we talk?" He directs it to Rory again and Jess's arm tightens around her before relaxing. She knows Jess; knows he's already backing up to give them space to talk privately, but the idea makes her throat tighten and she secures her fingers around his elbow to keep him in place. 

"Sure, about what?"

"I meant... _alone_?"

Rory straightens her back a little but keeps it skimming Jess's chest - needs his warmth against her and the steady in-and-out motion of his body to keep her from wanting to cry. She's developed one hell of a back-bone with everyone in town recently, even with Dean, but she can feel it threatening to break. In all of her confrontations with Dean, they always _mentioned_ Jess but he was always too far away to be her back-up. Right now - this time - he's right here and she needs him apart of this, not just another name chucked in the mix between gruff words and bitter back-handed compliments. 

"Whatever you have to say," She says and tries to make it come out as even as she can but the feeling of Jess hooking his pinky finger in the back belt loop of her jeans (just like she had done in New York) hints to her that she's not as successful as she wants to believe, "You can say to both of us. I would have told him when you left anyway."

Dean's jaw tightens a little and Jess straightens up behind her. Dean's got a good handful of inches of height on Jess, but, like Rory, Dean's been so sheltered his whole life Rory doubts he could hold his own in a fist-fight. Jess, she knows without any confirmation, could be lethal if needs be.

"You know what it's about, Rory." Dean tries, still not looking Jess in the face.

"Yeah, same here buddy." Jess grunts behind her, patience clearly running thin. Rory hasn't had many encounters with meeting the ex of your current partner, but she can't imagine it's an overly warming experience.

"Listen, _Jess_ , I just want to talk to Rory-"

"So talk," He shrugs and it jostles Rory a little bit but he pulls her right back into him, "She said you could."

"In _private_."

"Does it still count as private if I'm gonna get a word-for-word playback when you leave?" Jess asks, and Rory knows he's pulling Dean's leg right now, "'Cause it'll happen so we might as well save Rory here some words."

Dean takes a step forward and Rory can't quite tell if it's menacing or not because in a blink Jess is between her and Dean. The height difference is startlingly clear right now, but there's a look in Jess's eyes that just screams that he means business. He still has a hand on Rory, his fingers of his left hand loosely linked with her right, but it feels like there's a mile in between them and she doesn't have the strength to pull him back.

"Don't." Is all Dean says, practically growling through a clenched jaw.

Rory tightens her fingers against Jess's when she hears him chuckle, "Or what, big guy? You doing that towering over me thing, it helps that you're like twelve-feet tall but what are you gonna do?"

"You don't wanna know."

"I'm shaking," Jess deadpans, takes a step back, and begins turning to Rory. He's already pushing her lightly past the door frame and back into the house. The light from the living room is casting shadows along the definitions of Jess's face, and highlights the softening of his eyes when they fall on his. She keeps a grip on his hand to make sure he's following - she's done with Dean for the night, just wants him to leave them alone now - but suddenly her hand's empty when Jess is roughly spun around.

"What the _fuc_ -"

"Jess!" Rory tries, tries reaching for his shoulder again but the muscles under his shirt just move against her hand when he shoves Dean back. Dean stumbles a little, rights himself with one foot on the porch and the other on the step below. Now, Jess is eye-level with him when Jess takes another step forward.

"Real fucking manly," He grits out, "You always wait until they turn their back to you? You always step up to someone with a girl between you?"

Dean scoffs and Rory tries to tug Jess back again. He seems to come with her willingly, lets her step around him but tugs her to his side when she tries to get in front.

"Dean-" She huffs out, "Go home."

"I came to talk."

"We're done listening," Jess interjects, "You heard her. Go home."

Jess's hand lays flat against her stomach and he's already pushing her behind him again when Dean steps fully onto the porch towards Jess once more, fists clenched. Rory's ready to panic but then a door slams behind Dean and then Lorelai's coming up the porch too.

"Everything okay?" Her mother asks and Rory sighs out a breath of relief. She nods and pulls Jess further away from Dean. He's breathing a little heavier than normal and his jaw is still clenched but when Rory puts a hand to his chest he puffs out a breath and softens his shoulders. 

"Good," Loreli nods, turns to Dean, "Come on in."

"What?" It's Rory speaking again, directing furrowed eyebrows towards her mother. Dean shoots a smug look towards Jess quickly and she wants to wipe it off his face herself but presses herself back into Jess again to keep herself ( _and him_ ) from taking a swing in front of her mother. 

"I'm fixing some things for his mother, I told you, Rory." Lorelai supplies. Rory remembers now. There's been a few of Clara's dresses hung in the coat closet that needs mending, a blazer or two of his father's, one of his mother's blouses and three of Dean's pants and shirts. They've been sitting around since before the breakup, waiting until Lorelai had a break in between the inn and the thanks-giving costumes she's altering for Taylor. "I just need a few measurements, won't take a minute."

She goes into the house now, tells Dean to make himself at home and it makes Rory's fists clench a little. Her mother knows how she feels around Dean at the moment, and she's not blind, she clearly saw the standoff between him and Jess right now. Rory knows her mother isn't Jess's number one fan right now, but she thought Lorelai would at least see Rory sticking to Jess like glue and tell Dean to come back later. 

Or, preferably, _never_. 

Rory turns to Jess, catches his eye but he beats her to talk, "I gotta head back. Luke needs help with the new delivery." He had told her that when he showed up, and Rory sees with a quick glance at the clock that he's already ten minutes late. 

"Okay," She nods and then quieter, so Dean can't hear, "No chance you need an extra pair of hands?"

He cups her cheek and they both linger in the kiss more than they would if Dean wasn't there. "No," He murmurs against her mouth and curls an arm back around her waist, "Luke's already going to be pissed I'm late."

"No, seriously, take me with you."

He chuckles and kisses her swiftly again before disappearing inside to grab his jacket and boots. Rory steadfastly ignores Dean the entire time they're alone on the porch, only stays out here because she wants to walk Jess to the end of the garden and give Jess an _actual_ goodbye kiss without the feeling of Dean watching from two feet away. Jess appears quickly, still halfway through shrugging his jacket on, but snags ahold of Rory's hand and starts leading her away from the front door. She sees him give Dean a pat on the back as they pass and Rory shoots him a warning look when they meet eyes again.

"What?" He grins innocently at her when they reach the sidewalk and he can lean against the mailbox. He hooks his fingers back into the loops of her belt hooks and brings their hips together, already has a hand on the back of her neck when she huffs.

"Just because he's in the wrong doesn't mean there's a need to mock him."

"I'm not mocking him," He murmurs and tries to catch her lips but Rory dodges out the way. She _wants_ to kiss him, absolutely, but - just like she doesn't want to flaunt her new relationship in front of Dean - she doesn't want Jess thinking he can tease Dean and make it worse. 

"Jess-"

"Ror, I'm not mocking him," Jess says seriously now, jaw clenching once more when he flicks his gaze to the porch. Rory follows his eyes and sees Dean inside the house now, but he's leaning his back to the door frame and is failing at pretending not to watch them. "I'm not mocking him," Jess says again when Rory tilts his face back to hers, "But he's a dick and I'm not sorry."

"I'm not asking you to be."

Jess nods, sighs and pulls her in for a kiss. "I'm late," He says and takes a step away. Rory can practically feel the barrier between them now. Jess can't see her standpoint in this, and Rory can't find the words to justify it. She's not trying to protect or defend Dean, but she can see why it might come across that way. Lorelai openly invited Dean into the house and Rory can't argue that (her mother's just doing a favor - a job) but she didn't exactly let it be known that she doesn't want Dean there. And, to really ice the cake, she's now telling Jess not to do things when it comes to Dean, laying out _ground rules_. 

She can't find the words to defend her actions but tries anyway. If Jess can fight his own demons and open up to her, Rory can defend her _actions_ rather than herself. She'd gotten good at defending herself, during her relationship with Dean, and knows she doesn't have to with Jess. They're both so good at reading each other without the other one speaking, but at times, like now, she knows there's a block between them and they both need to use their words.

Rory tugs him back past those steps he's taken away; doesn't care that Dean could be watching when she secures a hand on the back of his head and the other around his middle when she kisses him. Jess leans into it, grips her elbow, and tangles his free hand in her hair, angling her head just right to make the kiss more demanding. She can't find the words but she hopes he knows through this anyway. 

"You're working tomorrow, aren't you?" She asks, breathlessly, when they pull apart.

"Open till three."

"I have a new book for you."

"Oh yeah?" He grins now, sweeps his mouth against hers again when she hums a yes, "Which one?"

"It's a surprise," She laughs when he huffs, "I'll be at Luke's when you get off."

"Dirty." He mutters and intercepts the hand aiming for his chest, kissing her despite his grin, "I'll have the coffee waiting."

She watches him walk away until he's out of sight across the town square and straightens her shoulders before turning back to face her house. She can see Dean's shadow in the window and only thinks about waiting in the garden until he leaves for just a second.

* * *

Luke looks like he wants to reprimand Jess for being late, but after Jess twists the lock to the diner with more than necessary he must decide it's better not to.

"Everything okay? You were just at Rory's, nothing happened?"

"Dean showed up," Jess grumbles, starts putting the chairs up on the tables Luke's just finished wiping down. "Got in my face. Everything's fine."

It's more than he would normally give Luke, and he's grateful when Luke drops the subject and starts talking about the order Jackson's just dropped off. 

As Jess moves produce from the storeroom to the kitchen for tomorrow's breakfast shift, he thinks about the way Rory held him back from taking a swing at Dean's smug face. He knows - he _knows_ \- Rory won't ditch him for Dean, but that doesn't mean Dean will ever stop rubbing him the wrong way. He tries to keep his cool, especially knowing Rory's going to be waiting for him to get off work tomorrow, but he also knows that Dean's in her house right now and that Lorelai will always like him more than she likes Jess.

Luke shoots him questioning glances for the rest of the night, looks like he's itching to ask questions when they move around each other as they get ready for bed. Jess is fiddling with the corners of Rory's copy of _Emma_ when Luke finally speaks up,

"So, interesting first day, huh?" 

He's clearly talking about Taylor issuing a statement about seeing Jess behind the wheel of Luke's truck, and the way Babette pinched _incredibly_ close to his ass when he walked past, and even Kirk deciding he doesn't want ham in his ham and rye sandwich, but there's also an undercurrent of a question in there too.

"Yeah," Jess says anyway and flips to his stomach, "Real interesting."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shorter (but sweet) chapter because these two deserve a break :) 
> 
> (emily in the next chapter)
> 
> (and the swan)

"I'll take this one."

"If he wants his coffee poured over his head let me know."

Lane elbows him out the way and serves Dean with a smile that Jess is sure isn't one-hundred-percent genuine. It's a two-minute encounter at best, probably less because Lane's quick to pour the coffee whilst Dean counts out the change, but Jess knows if Lane hadn't taken the order then Jess would have just chucked the entire coffee pot at Dean instead. 

Jess _hates_ him. They hadn't interacted a lot before the car accident and New York, not apart from limited minutes in the diner and between classes at Stars Hollow High, but even then Jess knew that Dean didn't like him - for reasons Jess has yet to know. When Dean had decided he didn't like Jess, Rory wasn't dating either one of them, and he was never outwardly rude to Jess, but he made it known they weren't going to be making friendship bracelets any time soon. 

Lane finishes up serving Dean and he's quick to leave again. "What time's Rory getting here?" She asks, starts filling the coffee machine with coffee grounds as Jess wipes down the counter. 

He shrugs, "Said she'd be here before I finish but didn't give a time."

"If she gets here early do you mind covering for me while I take my break? I haven't talked to her properly since before her birthday."

"Sure."

Jess likes Lane. The first time they met it was third period History and they spent the entire time in the back whisper-arguing over who's the best 90's-punk band. He'd known they would get on even before they met because they had been using Rory as a messenger girl for about a week as they argued back and forth over music, but they never really talked properly outside of school until Lane started working at the diner. He's also well aware that he and Rory have been spending every possible minute together since he got back two days ago, and that even before that Rory was spread thin with recovering from the accident, her birthday, and then New York. He's not too sure what Rory was doing between New York and him coming back, but he wouldn't be surprised if those few days were filled with Paris and studying.

"How are you two, anyway?" Lane asks.

"Good." He says, maybe a bit too quickly because she stops what she's doing and turns to face him. The diner's basically empty despite it being early afternoon on a Saturday, but Taylor seems to be on a warpath today to get as many people to buy Thanksgiving decorations and people are smartly keeping hidden away. Taylor's already ambushed Luke with a speech about hand turkeys from the elementary school and a few yards of fake leaves for the counter. Luke's currently hidden away in the stock room with paperwork, knowing that Jess is more than capable of getting rid of Taylor by simply _breathing_ and Taylor's too afraid of Mrs Kim to even think about trying to sell anything to Lane. 

Lane nudges him with her foot and he puts the rag down, leaves against the counter, and faces her, "What's up?" She asks casually. 

He's not willing to be as open to Lane as he is with Rory, the two relationships he has with the girls are completely different, but Lane seems pretty chill and it's not like Dean's a secret. "What happened after Rory and Dean broke up?" He finds himself asking. Lane's Rory's best friend, so it's not really going behind her back, and he's planning on asking Rory about this anyway. Sure, he should probably be asking Rory _before_ Lane, but he also knows that Lane won't tell him anything Rory doesn't want him to know so he can't really see the harm in it.

"Not much," Lane shrugs, "They didn't tell anyone for a few days but most people kind of guessed after Miss Patty saw Dean drive away and leave Rory at Gypsy's. There were rumours. Lorelai ended up confirming it. I don't think Rory talked to Dean a lot after that, or at least she didn't tell me if she did. Why?"

He glances at the clock - quarter-past-two - before answering, "He came by last night when Rory and I were hanging out at hers, seemed like he was mad at _me_ for being there."

"What was he doing there?" Lane looks just as confused as he felt last night, and there's a brief hint of relief in his chest knowing that, for the time being, Rory's bestfriend seems to be on his side at least. 

"Lorelai was altering something for him? Not sure."

"Okay, so what happened after he showed up?"

"Got in my face. I might have shoved him when he grabbed me but that's it and then Rory told me I had to stop mocking him or something. Kind of felt like she was trying to defend him. I'm not bothered by it, but it was like she trying to defend him _from me._ That's what annoyed me."

"Was she? Or was she trying to keep you out of trouble?"

"Trouble with what? Dean might be like seventy feet tall but I doubt he could land a punch straight."

"Don't know," She shrugs again and picks the bag of coffee grounds back up, "Rory tends to try and defend everyone even if they don't deserve it. She knows better than anyone he was a douche, but he's also her first boyfriend and that doesn't just go away. If it helps, she likes you ten times more than she ever could have liked him."

He hums, but there's no commitment behind it. Lane raises an eyebrow in his direction, "Who'd she chase all the way to New York? Who'd she defend tooth and nail to everyone in town - to Dean's _face_ \- when everyone was putting the blame on you? You can have as much doubt as you like about it - and Rory can cause some of that - but you need to keep in mind that she doesn't mean to make it seem that way. For whatever it's worth, she'll put you before she puts Dean every time."

He knows that, but he's not exactly had a lot of experience of being put first by anyone, and he's having a little trouble fully believing it. Jess never thought relationships would require so much work - had known they needed effort, but everyone around him seemed to just fit into their relationships solidly; hell, even _Liz_ slipped into relationships with little trouble - and this one with Rory is really pulling him through all the hoops. He knows Rory's trying just as much as he is, and that she's dealing with more from him than he ever will from her, but that in itself is a huge part of the problem.

Jess doesn't want to put a target on the relationship before it even properly begins (because he _likes_ Rory, wants her to be the first person in his life that really sticks around), but he thinks if anyone is going to ruin the relationship it would be him. 

They change the conversation to _The Velvet Underground_ and it carries them through the fifteen minutes until Rory hurries through the door. She has her backpack on her shoulder because _of course,_ she brought half her book collection when Jess said they'd read upstairs, and her face is a little pink from the wind that's picked up. Jess has a mug halfway to the counter by the time she's stood by the cash register.

"Taylor get you?" Lane asks as Jess wraps an arm loosely around her waist and tilts his head to catch the kiss she gifts him. 

"He spotted me halfway across the square but Bootsy caught him before he could get me," Rory says, shivering a little in her coat but she smiles oh-so-nicely at Jess when he places the mug of coffee in her hands. 

"You want your break now?" Jess turns to Lane.

"Thanks," Lane smiles, already untying her apron. Jess had teased her about it when he stumbled down the stairs that morning and saw it, mainly because not even _Ceaser_ wears an apron and he works in the kitchen, but she'd stuck by her choice in wearing it and would exaggerate retying it whenever he walked past. 

Rory heaves a sigh of relief when Jess takes her backpack off of her and waits until Lane's disappeared into the back room before she wraps her arms around his middle and leans up to kiss him properly. 

"Hi," She breaths out against his mouth.

"Uh-huh," He mumbles, dragging her back in. The diner's still empty, and the only people walking past are clearly in a hurry to get somewhere else. He'll indulge in kissing his girlfriend for the moment.

"Hi," He finally says when they pull apart a second time, "What was that for?"

She shrugs her shoulders against him, "Just felt like it."

"Feel free to feel like it more often."

"Noted," She chuckles when he leans in for another but the curtain rustles and Lane's back. 

Jess glances once more at the clock - half-past-two - and says, "You guys can use the apartment upstairs if you want? Luke won't be up there until closing anyway."

"You sure?" Rory asks, already picking up her backpack from Jess's feet.

"Yeah, the door's unlocked. Don't eat my snacks."

"Going to eat all of them."

"Would not put it past you," He winks as the two girls push the curtain aside, "I'm serious! Don't eat them!" He calls after Rory, and he hears them both laugh as their feet fall against the steps. 

Jess resigns himself to the fact that his snacks will probably be gone by the time he gets off his shift, but the door's opening and a stream of townspeople hiding from Taylor are filling in the diner. 

* * *

"So, how's working at Luke's?" Rory asks as they settle on the couch. She's dumped her backpack on Jess's bed because she knows that's where she and Jess will probably end up when he finishes, but it feels a little weird sitting there with Lane. It feels a little weird being up here without Jess or Luke; she can't remember the last time she'd been up here without one of them, and it feels like she's invading at least _one_ of their privacies. There's a parcel on the table labeled to Jess and she's desperate to see what's inside but draws the line at opening it herself.

She's not going to be _that_ kind of girlfriend. 

"I'm just glad to get away from my mother," Lane sighs, sinking into the couch, "I don't have to hide my band tee shirts and I can wear _trainers_ , Rory, _trainers_."

Rory snorts and grabs them both some soda from the fridge. 

"So... Jess?" Lane askes, playing with the soda cap between two fingers. 

Rory hums, "What about him?"

"He mentioned Dean," Was all Lane needed to say for Rory to clock on.

Rory sighs and looks down at her lap, "I don't know why I felt like I had to defend him? I mean, Dean was totally in the wrong last night and I _still_ told Jess not to push him. I don't want Jess feeling like he has to worry about anything - he _doesn't_ need to worry. I don't know why I did it."

Lane's silent for a little while, and it's good because Rory can try and figure everything out in her head. The thing is, she _knows_ why Jess could be annoyed at her actions last night, she just doesn't know _how_ to tell him that it doesn't mean whatever he thinks it means. She doesn't want a conflict, she's had too many so far, and doesn't want anyone pinning this all on _Jess_.

Rory never had much of a backbone before Jess came along because there was never any need for her to have one. Her relationship ended with Dean and she was convinced that would be the end of it. She hadn't counted in the fact that Stars Hollow never just lets anything go so easily. She also didn't count in Jess. She's not pinning her need to stand up for herself all on him - but he came along and Dean started his whole act again at roughly the same time.

And, so far, her entire relationship with Jess is heavily resting on both of their ability to defend each other (defend _Jess_ ) from people not in the relationship but still have an opinion on it.

She tells Lane this, that she's trying to give the town even fewer reasons to pin blame on Jess, that she's trying to give Jess the standing point Dean had with the town.

"Did you ever consider maybe he doesn't want it?" Lane asks gently, and Rory is stopped short. Lane continues anyway, "Think about it. He didn't want to move here in the first place. He actively gave the town reasons to want him out. And, seriously speaking, did he have anywhere to go after New York?"

Rory wants to say Hatti - except Hatti's in New York and she knows Jess considers New York a big part of the problem. He'd mentioned a few times taking a road trip, pulling a Kerouac, but he wants to fix the breaking relationships he'd be leaving behind before that. 

Jess came back for Luke, came back for _her_ , and she's been trying so hard to make him fit into the town's standards she never stopped to think that he doesn't want to fit into their mold, doesn't plan on staying long enough after she leaves for college to need her help now.

Lane reaches over to squeeze her hand quickly, "Did you hear Lucy Cartland's pregnant?"

* * *

Jess knows that Lane is one of the most punctual people in this town (you'd be too if your mom was Mrs. Kim) but he'd honestly expected her to linger upstairs a little longer with Rory. They'd only been up there for half an hour before Lane comes back down with her coat and bag on. 

"See ya," She calls over her shoulder as she leaves, and then Ceaser's coming in for his shift and Jess can clock out. 

Rory's on the couch when he closes the door behind him, and she's too deep in thought to notice he's even there until he drops down next to her and squeezes her thigh. "You good?"

"Mhm," She nods, settles her cheek against his shoulder, "I'm sorry. About last night."

He pulls back enough to look at her, settles with one leg behind Rory on the couch, and her legs thrown over his other thigh. "What?"

"Last night," She breathes out quickly like she's found the words and doesn't want to lose them, "I'm sorry. I was trying- I've _been_ trying to fit you into this mold that you don't even want to fit into and I never stopped to _think_. I- I want you to fit," Her eyes drop to where their fingers are loosely laced on his thigh and her thumb rubs across the silver ring on his middle finger there, "I want you to fit because I like you. And because you didn't get a chance to fit in New York and- I want you to find a place where you fit, and I want that place to be Stars Hollow but I know it probably won't be. And that's okay."

She looks at him again and she has that look in her eyes that come up when he tells her a story. Jess shuffles a little closer, already shushing her when her eyes glisten and her bottom lip quivers a little. He cups her cheek and weaves her hair around his fingers, never once lets go of her hand in his other one, "Ror, you don't need to apologize."

"I do!" She's adamant, "I do because I _defended_ Dean last night and there was no need to. You're right, he's a dick-" Hearing her swear is a little funny, it sounds too foreign from her mouth and her lips twist around the words like a toddler's would when they taste something sour, "- and he was in the wrong and I _defended_ him-" All sentence structure flies out the window for Rory when she rants, he's figured out, "-and... he's always going to be apart of me. He was the first one, you know? But you're the first of many other things too and the first guy that I _know_ I want it to work out with - which is so much more important to me than anything with Dean. I need to work out how to separate those two things, and it'll take time and I'm going to screw up sometimes but... I need you to bear with me until I figure it out. And I'm sorry."

It's hard to hear. What she just said. Jess has swallowed around three lumps in his throat since she started talking, but he understands. A little.

"Okay."

"O-okay?"

"Yeah," He nods, traces her bottom lip with his thumb, and swallows again, "I don't really get all of it but I've never done the whole second relationship thing. This is new to you and it's difficult. If you need me to bear with you... then okay. I can do that. It's the least I can do, with everything I'm bring to the table."

"You don't have to like him."

"That's good. I hate him."

She snorts and he's relieved when she's the one to kiss him. "We're good, right?" She whispers against his mouth and he's already pushing her back into the couch to hover over her.

"Oh yeah, we're really good."

She laughs as they kiss and it's great, until she starts kissing him properly, and then he has to pull away, "So, _The Sound of Music_?"

"Would you like it from the beginning or is there a specific scene?"

They rest on the couch for a little longer, mainly talking about Taylor and Thanksgiving coming up. "Are you and Luke celebrating here?" Rory questions when he gets up to get them sodas. She follows closely.

"Yeah," Jess says, hands her the disgusting orange soda she likes for some reason but knows he has to put up with if he likes kissing her. Which he does. A lot. "He wants to stay open for anyone not celebrating with family or something. Apparently he gets a pretty big turnover this time of year. You going to your grandparents?"

"We have a system."

"You know, I'm not surprised," He teases and she rolls her eyes at him but still drops gracefully to his thigh when he sits at the table. It's a comforting weight against one side when she wraps a steadying arm around his neck and plays with the hair at the back of his head, and he closes his eyes to revel in it as she talks.

"We're going to eat here, and then at my grandparents, and _then_ we'll go to Sookie's."

"How are you two not four-hundred pounds?"

"Mom calls it's the Lorelai Complex."

"Huh," He drops his forehead to her arm and sighs as her fingers draw invisible patterns in his hair, "Should we be keeping the coffee warm for after?"

"The fact that you have to ask means you've clearly not learned enough from me."

"I've never done well with teachers. I think there's a copy of my third-grade report card lying around here somewhere if you want proof."

She tenses in excitement from that, _the dork_ , and he pinches her hip to stop her from jumping up and trying to find it. 

"Jess?"

"Mhm," She's warm and her breath is steady against his arm. He could easily fall asleep her - hard wooden chair and all.

"What's in the box?"

"Don't go all Brad Pitt on me now, Gilmore." He jokes and kisses her arm when she tries to swat at his hand but misses. She has her eyes closed too, he finds when he opens his, but they blink open and meet his seconds later. "Hatti sent my books from the store," He drags the box over and reaches behind them to find the scissors on the counter. He hands them to Rory because the sound of 'books' has her practically vibrating in his lap. 

" _The Fountainhead_?" She raises a teasing eyebrow at him over her shoulder and he stifles a groan. _Of course,_ that'd be the one that's on top. She doesn't tease him for long, but he notices that she's laid it out to the side as she looks at the others. The rest go in a pile next to the box after she's done reading the titles, except for two which she mentions she's never read before.

"Take them," He grunts as he stands up and starts folding up the now-empty box, "Let me know what you think."

"You say that every time you give me a new book," She says casually but she picks them up and heads to her backpack anyway, "You know I'd tell you what I think even without you saying it first?"

"Tradition, Ror, does it mean nothing to you?"

"I didn't take you to be the sentimental type, Mariano." 

She seems to be in a teasing mood now that they've gotten past last night, and it's nice. He takes a moment to lean against one of the pillars and watches her rummage around her backpack. She's sat on his bed, right by his pillow, shoes kicked off and legs folded. She looks so relaxed where she is, surrounded by books and Jess's stuff, and the sight of it doesn't make his chest constrict the way it did with anyone else. He'd gotten so used to seeing this in New York, but it feels more domestic now they're in Stars Hollow. Jess thinks it must have been a bit of an eye-opener for her in New York; seeing him tense on the street and in front of Liz, but relax so quickly with the doors shut around them when it's just them.

He's not sure if she realizes she does the same here. That she's so ready to please everyone around her in Stars Hollow that she's not able to let her shoulders fall until they're alone again. 

"Here," She snaps him out of his thoughts and he moves the pillow to sit upright by the wall before sitting behind Rory. She hands him two books, _Beowulf_ and _The House of Spirits._ "Have you read these?" She asks, settles between his thighs and against his chest once more. He catches sight of _The Fountainhead_ on her lap. _Of course_.

"No," He shakes his head, inspects the cover and spine of _Beowulf_. It looks to be in mint condition and it's one of the first times that he's clued into the differences in how they keep their books. Jess loves to crack the spines, to make natural bookmarks where the book falls open to certain pages, fill the pages with notes until it's difficult to tell at first glance what's fiction and what's Jess's own words. Rory tends to aim for hardbacks, but her paperbacks have very little cracks in their spines, and the only difference between them now and when she first brought them is the slightly yellowing edges and rivets in the corners where she's turned the pages. 

"Let me know what you think," She teases and hums when he kisses her forehead and reaches past her. He's still reading _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_ even though he took it from her before the accident, and Rory seems content to read _The Fountainhead_ right now anyway. He'd not picked up this book at the beginning because it had Rory's name in it and he'd resigned himself to the fact that he'd never see her again, didn't want a reminder of the fact that he couldn't avoid whatever ran across the road that night without hurting Rory in the process. Then, Rory was with him in New York and he much more pressing matters at hand than reading Hunter Thompson.

They'd only been reading for maybe ten minutes before Rory tenses against him. They'd laid down by this point, Rory on her front against his chest and his hand back in her hair, so Jess is confused when she drops Rand to the covers and knocks his book out of his hands to kiss him soundly. He doesn't complain though, curves his hand against the back of her head and pulls her hips down to his.

She pulls away a minute later and smiles down at him between curtains of hair, "I'm glad you're back," is all she says before she settles back where she was before and picks up the book. Jess lays there a little bewildered until he looks at the page she's on. 

_I should have left long ago_ has been circled a few times - thick black rings of ink covering the two lines before and after that sentence - and there's an arrow leading sharply to Jess's slanted handwriting next to it:

 _She wouldn't have gotten hurt_. 

Jess sucks in a breath. He'd forgotten he'd wrote that, remembers now he'd written quite a few after as well that'd she see in no time. He picks up his book again and begins tracing her jaw with his finger as he reads. 

"Give me a warning next time, huh?"

"There's more?" She sounds surprised and yet not at all at the same time. He just hums 'yes' and shifts to get comfier on the mattress.

She doesn't ask questions, but she gives him a warning when she finds the next note.

By the fourth, there's a tear down her cheek and he kisses it away.


	8. Chapter 8

Rory doesn't realize it at first, but it's been nearly a month. She doesn't realize this until she's stood in front of her calendar, swiping an 'x' through November 27th with a red marker. This isn't any different to a regular night for her, needs this calendar to keep track of her days leading up to finals and graduation and her trip to Europe with her mother. It's also a method to keep track of when she's splitting time between school, Lane, Paris, her mother, and (possibly the most important, but she'd never admit it to the others) Jess. It's easy to mix school and Paris because they share classes and lunch and the paper. With Lane, she can hang around the diner during her shifts and sneak her back to the Gilmore's afterwards if possible, and even if it's not the quiet times between customers are more than enough time to catch up with her friend. 

And, well, her mother's just always _there_. 

But Jess is a bit more complicated. He has school himself, with a different ending time than Rory, and then he has shifts at the diner (plus his second job he started at Walmart to keep up with his new car payments), and then homework and making up for whatever prank he pulled on Taylor that week when Rory couldn't squeeze him into her timetable. 

It's not impossible to find time for themselves. He'd held her hand as she got her cast off two and a half weeks ago, and he'd given her mock stern looks when she started playing footsie under the table with him when they were trying to study; but there was always someone right over their shoulders (Lorelai at the hospital with them, _half the town_ in the diner when they were studying), and the rare moments they got alone would be interrupted by Luke every ten minutes when he'd forgotten something obscure for the diner (which inevitably turned to every six minutes when Lorelai must have mentioned Rory's conception story). 

They'd had moments alone, a few minutes here and there - two glorious hours one-night late last week - but Rory's beginning to understand why Jess sometimes feels too suffocated in this town. She'd only spent four days in New York. Only got a small taste of the freedom that Jess had been living in for eighteen years.

Except, it's different. Rory knows that Jess is secretly (and he'd never admit it) kind of glad he has people hanging over his shoulder now. It's the security and the guardianship he was deprived of for so long, and all the other good stuff. The only problem is, he didn't get time to adjust. He was thrown straight into the deep end without floats, just Rory and Luke standing on the edge and keeping him afloat when they can see it's getting too tough. Jess is still uncomfortable with the town's incessant need to know everything, and to ask questions and to want answers Jess isn't willing to give. 

Rory's tried to help. Tried to loan whatever helping hand he needs, but sometimes he's too proud to take it and when he's not, it's a battle between helping him and helping herself. 

His stories keep coming. They don't get any longer than the ones he's already told her, and he's still uncomfortable when he talks about them, still needs some physical space between them at times when he tells them, but _he tells them_. 

Rory struggles listening to them sometimes. She knows he doesn't want her to carry them on her shoulders, or make them her own burden, but it's tough, with a few of them, not to. A few stories (like his first fistfight in the fourth grade) she can shrug off after a few minutes, let him kiss her until they get past that initial post-story tension and they move on. But there are others (like the first few he'd told her in New York) that she can't forget to save her life, let alone his. The worst part, for her, is that she knows that he's not even scraped the bottom of the barrel just yet. There's more grit under the layer he's placed down to cover it. 

The Stars Hollow part of Rory wants to push and prod until he shows her. She wants to know everything about him. He's a closed book that changes topics in a blink of an eye and smirks at you when you realize, and Rory wants to open that all up and find out _why_. Except, she knows she can't.

She'd done it, once, without realizing. It was last week, during their glorious two hours alone, where he'd sucked a mark into her hip and told her how much he'd missed her like this. Where they had _hours_ to trick themselves into thinking they were back in New York again - the blinds were drawn even though it was two in the afternoon, hair tousled and clothes discarded. They'd been lying together, on their sides next to each other on her single bed, and he'd looked so peaceful laying there that she'd asked about the scar. 

She'd found it in New York - the first time they had slept together. It's a little wide and slightly jagged, white and in the v of his hips. Rory had mainly kept her mouth shut in New York because she was so blissfully _happy_ she didn't want to spoil their moment. It had been the first time between them and they talked about their favorite colors and foods and stupid stories from when they were kids, _not_ scars in intimate places on their bodies. 

The scar talk had come later. She'd asked about the one on his back and had been relieved when it was just a stupid go-kart accident he could barely even remember. It had been an excuse to ask about the other one, but she knew that story would be far less innocent, one that would ruin the moment.

It had ruined the moment. It had just ruined the moment three weeks later.

_"Jess?"_

_"Hm?"_

Her finger had been tracing figure of eights on his hip, but it slid further down to skim the edge of the scar then, _"What happened here?"_

He'd tensed and his fingers tightened just a bit on her wrist before he'd fumbled for his clothes. Rory knew she shouldn't have pushed, but she had. Told him she wanted to know what happened, that they were _talking_ to each other now; even tried to backpedal when it became clear he had intentions of leaving, told him he didn't have to tell her but come back to bed. 

_"I gotta go check on the diner,"_ He'd said instead, but kissed her good and proper on the porch, leaning her between the railing and his body and bunching the oversized shirt she'd been wearing dangerously close to the hem of her underwear.

 _"I'll tell you... I'll tell you about it but- I'm just not ready right now."_ He'd told her the next day when he'd dragged her behind the curtain at the diner, his thumb making her shiver as it slipped under her shirt and rubbed against the mark on her hip he'd left there.

"Ror?" It's sleepy and confused, but it snaps her out of her daydream. Jess is back in her bed again, clothes discarded again because they haven't seen each other for four straight days, and Lorelai's away dealing with something at the inn for the rest of the night. Lorelai had called two hours after she left to say she'd catch some sleep in one of the empty rooms at the inn, and that she'd meet Rory at Luke's in the morning. Rory had immediately phoned Jess the second she knew his shift at Walmart had ended to tell him to stop at hers, not Luke's.

"I'm here," She said, tucking the red marker back into the pen slot of her calendar and heading back towards the bed. She'd had to lock the doors once it started to get late, and had chucked on the first tee shirt and underwear she'd laid her hands on. They're Jess's. The shirt's some band tee she's never heard of before and it smells strongly of Jess and faintly of the inside of a warehouse and machinery, and the boxer's fall to her thighs and made her shiver in the hallway when the draft had drifted up to her legs. 

"Why you so far away?"

Jess is clingy when he's half asleep and Rory takes way too much fun in teasing him about it when he's awake. In the moment, though, she reaches for his hand when he lays it out for her above the covers. 

"Just locking the door. Where does Luke think you are?"

"Ben's."

"Who's Ben?" She has to let go of his hand to take the shirt back off, but her foot kicks something under the bed when she grips the shirt's hem and she pauses to kneel and grope under the bed for the mystery item.

"Someone I made up from work. I don't know their names, but I'm not telling him I'm spending the night with you unsupervised. He'd station Kirk outside with a megaphone and a copy of Star Trek to recite if he knew. _What are you doing?"_

"I kicked something," She gives a victorious 'ha!' when she clutches whatever she'd kicked and brought it out. It's his wallet and Jess gives a tired little snort when Rory looks disappointed it's not something more exciting. 

"Well done, Dora. Now come back to bed."

There's a blue tip peaking out from the folds of the wallet and Rory swats Jess's hand from her shoulder when he tries to tug her onto the bed. "What's this?" 

He doesn't say anything but watches as Rory pulls it out and unfolds the post-it. 

_Tell me what you think x_

It's her handwriting. She'd written it the night they'd met and argued about Rand and Hemingway; she'd made sure to stick this post-it note nicely into the cover of _The Fountainhead_ and pack it the night before so she wouldn't forget it the next morning. She remembers writing the post-it note five times before getting it right because her handwriting hadn't been good enough the first three times, and the other one she'd misspelled 'think' because she was so nervous if this was a good idea or not.

Underneath her handwriting though, she spots his jagged, slanted penmanship; _R, 10.29.02_

"You kept it?"

Jess had moved to his back now, but he's propped himself up on his elbows to watch her. Rory realizes she's not spoken for a few moments, but had instead been staring at the post-it in her hands. The folds are delicate and the strip on the back where it's supposed to be sticky has lost all of its glue but gained some pieces of lint and material from his wallet. 

"Yeah," Jess says. It's one of _those_ moments - where his voice is so gentle but so obvious, so confident in what he's saying but laced with a hint of vulnerability - that makes Rory's head spin. 

"Why?"

He shrugs, "I used it as a bookmark while I was reading Rand because you don't like me folding the pages. Then I just didn't throw it away."

She'd told him two weeks and five days ago that she hadn't taken him for the sentimental type. She knows, now, that he's never been given the chance to be sentimental before. This was just a silly scrape of colored paper that, sure, she'd put more effort than necessary into, but she'd expected him to throw it away or lose it - not keep it in his wallet.

Luke keeps pictures in his wallet, Rory thinks. There's a picture of him and Liz with their father when they were kids. That picture of Jess at the lake he'd shown her. A tiny stick-man drawing Rory had drawn him when he babysat her when she was seven. 

Rory flicks open the wallet in her hands, smiles at the picture of her that she finds inside. It's the one from New York, back on that day she's brought the disposable camera for four bucks and had taken more pictures of Jess than anything else. He'd stolen it a few times, taken some shots of her that she had printed and ready for him when he got back. This one, the one he'd said was his favorite, was taken in Hatti's bookstore. Hatti had taken it because Jess was in it. They hadn't realized she was there or took the picture until it was printed and Rory told him about it on the phone. 

He'd been sat on the stool behind the counter, and she was leaning against his chest between his thighs, both of them reading the same book. Hatti had caught that moment from in front of them, just at the right moment where Jess had perched his chin against Rory's shoulder and pointed out a line that made them both laugh. Rory had wanted to keep it, but she had enough of Jess pinned to her headboard and on her mirror. She had wanted to ask about it whenever they were in Luke's apartment. Jess had stuck the other pictures of Rory beside his bed (which Rory knows earned him a teasing or two from Luke), but this one had been missing.

"Some of the guys at work ask about it," Jess says so casually it's like they're discussing the weather, "One of them saw it when I was getting my card to clock in. They ask about you whenever I have a shift."

"What do you tell them?"

"That you're my girlfriend," He pinches her thigh lightly as she stands up, takes her hand to finally bring her onto the bed. She settles herself on top of the covers but straddles his hips, draws circles on his bare chest with her index fingers as he massages the bare skin of her thighs, "That okay with you?"

They never did have that conversation. He'd called her his girlfriend to Liz's face in New York, but they'd already had too many serious conversations and they fell into bed together again instead of adding another to the list. Besides, Rory knows that Jess would rather _show_ than _talk_ and she's learned there are things out there that are better than listening.

She finds herself nodding, "Very okay."

"Very okay?"

"I said what I said."

He chuckles and sits up, grips her hips when she's jostled, and nearly loses her balance but she's laughing too much to care. "You want to have that talk?"

"No," Rory shakes her head and cups his cheeks, "Do you?"

"No, but I think we should."

"Then we'll talk."

"Just like that?"

She nods, "Just like that."

"Not now," He whispers against her mouth, softly rolls them over, and pushes the covers to the end of the bed with his heel, "Not tonight. Get this off," He fumbles with the hem of the shirt she's wearing and she laughs when his stubble tickles her stomach.

So it's been a month and she didn't notice before. So what? Rory's just looking forward to even more months.

* * *

"Happy Thanksgiving."

It's the first thing he hears when he wakes up the next morning, and he groans into her hair. It's too cold for their lack of clothing, but he vaguely remembers throwing his shirt across the room late last night (early this morning?) and he's not particularly looking forward to getting out from under the warmth of the covers. Plus, Rory's always warm and she simply rolls over to face him and threads her fingers through his hair, doesn't even attempt to voice the idea of leaving the bed.

"What time is it?"

"Half-six."

"Are you secretly Luke's kid? No one else wakes up this early willingly?"

"Your hands are cold."

"Mhm?"

"Mhm."

He only manages to keep his eyes closed for another minute, at best, because he can feel Rory looking at him and it's kind of distracting. "I can't sleep with you looking at me."

"Good, talk to me."

"About what?"

"Anything," One of her hands falls from his hair to trace figure of eights against his bicep and it's soothing enough for him to close his eyes again. She always traces the same pattern in the same spot, as if he has a tattoo there that's invisible to everyone but her that she follows whenever she gets a chance. Even above his clothing, when they're sitting on the couch or standing outside Doose's waiting for Luke, her finger will be running up and circling down his arm. It was distracting the first few times she'd done it. The casual contact and affection completely foreign to Jess, and his brain had short-circuited a few times until he'd figured out it's just something Rory does. 

He lets her draw patterns with the pad of her finger whilst he thinks, finally finds the words to use, and places a kiss to her wrist before dislodging his arm from underneath her. She gets the message and detangles their legs too, and they shuffle so they're facing each other without touching. It always feels like there are miles between them whenever they do this, but the stifling distance is better for Jess than the stifling closeness in these moments. He can't think when Rory touches him, needs to convince himself he's alone before he can talk.

Rory's the right mix between comfort and danger, a constant line he walks across with no control.

"I met my grandfather once - Luke's dad," He's always referred to William as 'Luke's dad' and never Liz's. It feels wrong to connect Luke with Liz in ways that are positive because Luke fixes Liz's messes but Liz is never competent enough to keep them clean, and Jess hates the way it demeans the efforts Luke's given. He'd hated it ever since CPS took him, since that trip to the lake house and wearing Luke's baseball cap whilst Luke carried him on his shoulders. 

"I think I was five," Jess says, has to close his eyes and lay on his back because he knows Rory's watching him and it's too much sometimes. "Liz told him and Luke she was pregnant, but they didn't talk after she ditched. She kept changing her number so they couldn't find her and we never stayed in one place long enough to make connections with anything that could point them to us. CPS called him. It was about six months before the accident. She'd disappeared for a few days and left me with this babysitter. She was a college student who would crash with us whenever she was babysitting. She phoned CPS because it'd been days and she knew about Liz's drug problem. They phoned William, and he came to get me."

"What did you do?"

"He took me around New York for the day. Told me stories about the war and about Luke. Got me this giant cheeseburger - it was bigger than my face and I couldn't pick it up, so he had to hold it whilst I just got cheese and ketchup all over my face-" They both laugh and he slips his hand in hers because the memory's not as bad as he remembers, can handle the feeling of another person touching him now, "He took me to a Mets game, which _sucked_ but he bought us jerseys and we sat with all the Mets fans, and I thought that was his team until he cheered whenever the other team got a run and booed when the Mets did. I think they won a title at that game but we got kicked out before the third inning was done."

Rory doesn't ask about Liz and he's grateful. He doesn't really remember how Liz got back that time, just that she was high and had yelled and screamed until William left. She threw out all the Mets things and told Jess that William wasn't coming around anymore, but she cried when she heard he passed away seven months later anyway. Jess still doesn't fully understand Liz's relationship with Luke or her father, just that the bad moments where when she was high or drunk, but she _carried on_ getting high and drunk and making bad moments.

"If I were Luke," He whispers because he can't get his voice any louder, "If I were Luke I would have stopped years ago."

"He had more to factor in than just himself," Rory says gently, rubs a comforting thumb over his knuckles.

"So did Liz," He whispers, clutches her fingers a little tighter. Rory meant him. He's the 'more' Luke was factoring in. He's the 'more' that Liz didn't. "But she didn't."

Rory kisses his bare shoulder just as the alarm starts screeching. It breaks through the silence and they both stumble out of bed to find it because it fell at some point in their haste to get _into_ bed and they can't find it. Rory finds it under Jess's pants right as the sound starts making Jess grind his teeth together, and she manages to switch it off quickly before it starts getting angrier. They dress quickly because it's _cold,_ and whilst they do so they talk through their schedules for the next few weeks. 

Jess is working today, but he and Luke will have dinner with Rory and Lorelai early afternoon, and that'll be the last time in a few days that they'll get to spend together. As it stands right now, this moment right now (where Rory picks his undershirt from the floor and Jess exchanges it for her bra with a suggestive comment) will be the last moment they get _alone_ for at least six days.

"And we'll drop by Luke's again after Sookie's," Rory says as she opens the door for him. Jess barely steps out when she's tugging him in for a lingering kiss. 

"I'll make sure the coffee's hot," He mumbles against her mouth and grips her hips in his hands. It's still _so_ early, he's meant to be at the diner already (can tell Luke traffic from Hartford was bad), but Rory tilts her head just slightly and he can't help the way he groans into her mouth and pulls her closer.

"How long can you get away with?"

"About two minutes less than I'm currently late for."

"Stay."

"I want to," And _yeah,_ that's her teeth against his bottom lip and it's doing all kinds of things for him, "I want to, Ror, but I gotta go."

"Stay."

"Ror-"

"Stay."

"Ro-"

They're interrupted by the slam of a door to their left and they jump apart, suddenly aware they're not in Rory's room with the blinds drawn anymore. Babette gives them a guilty look from her porch, "Sorry, Sugars, the wind." There's a knowing look there, though, and Jess just knows Miss Patty will be told about him leaving the Gilmore's at this time. 

_He's not even_ _left yet_ , he's just been mildly groping Rory right on her porch. 

"I gotta go."

Rory humphs but nods, pecks his lips only once because they're well aware of their audience now, and winks when Jess steps away. "Good luck with that," She nods discreetly in Babette's direction. Babette's one of the few people always standing outside Luke's as soon as they open every day, getting an early start to the day, and Miss Patty usually joins her five minutes later. They have a routine that Jess has gotten used to and he sighs now, knowing he and Rory will be the topic of that. He'll have to bribe them with more doughnuts than usual to make sure Lorelai and Luke don't find out he spent the night.

"Good luck with Paris." He says over his shoulder and he's still grinning at her answering groan when he starts the engine and backs out the driveway.

* * *

She puts a little bit more effort into her outfit that afternoon than she normally would do. The Gilmore's always dressed nicely when they go to Friday Night Dinners and put in extra thought at Christmas and Thanksgiving, so Lorelai doesn't really bat an eyelid when Rory finally emerges from her room in a dress she's not worn in a year and a coat she'd refused to wear to her grandparent's before because it looks too 'Jane Eyre' for her liking. 

It's not that she's dressing nice to Jess, especially because Rory knows he'll be in jeans and a sweater if he's been working today, but it wouldn't hurt to let him know she has things in her wardrobe other than jeans. She really doesn't know why she's put this much effort into her appearance - she did her _hair_ \- but she feels pretty good about herself when they park outside Luke's.

Rory knows Luke is still in her corner, still supports her and Jess, but in the past few weeks, he's started realizing just what _she and Jess_ means and she can see the inner turmoil going on behind his eyes whenever he tells her he's upstairs. Lorelai had told her it's because he didn't have to deal with Dean (didn't _like_ Dean enough to want to deal with him anyway), and also because Rory's basically Luke's kid in all the ways that matter and Jess is his nephew. "Bit too Florida for him, I think," Lorelai had joked once, and then immediately took it back when Luke took away her coffee. 

"Where's loverboy?" Lorelai questions when they stomp the cold from their shoes at the door. The diner's not that busy right now, but Rory steadfastly ignores looking in Babette's direction. She'd never thought about the town's reaction to her and Jess, just their reaction to _Jess,_ but Babette's unintentional interruption of their porch make out this morning has just shone a light on the fact that it feels like everyone's watching them. 

A second later, just as Luke directs them to a table, Jess emerges from behind the curtain. He's wearing jeans and a black sweater, but it's pulled up to wipe at his chin and Rory catches a glimpse of a Björk tee shirt underneath before the sweater falls back down to sit snugly at his waist. 

"Hey," His hand just grazes her hip as he leans into peck her lips, but Rory's too busy realizing he's cleanly shaven to think about the fact that he draws back quicker than normal. She catches him glance quickly at Babette and then Lorelai, and she makes a note to ask what happened this morning at the diner when they're alone again. 

"Hi."

"Hey, Jess," Lorelai's stilted and a little awkward, but Rory knows she's trying and so doesn't try and push it. They'd talked about it too many times to count - about how Lorelai doesn't need to like him but she does need to give him a shot, trust that Rory knows what she's doing and that Rory trusts Jess, and that's what's important here. Rory's never asked Lorelai to support her and Jess, just to support _her_ and she knows her mother's giving it her all. Rory thinks that Jess's refusal to let Rory anywhere near a car when he's behind the wheel is edging Lorelai further into his corner, but that the accident will always be in the back of her mother's mind anyway. 

"Okay," Luke interrupts the awkward silence and Rory focuses on draping her coat over the back of the chair Jess pulls out for her, "Let's eat."

"Thank god, I'm starving."

"You could have eaten."

"You told me not to eat."

"I did not-"

"You did to! You said you were waiting for them."

Rory knows her mother is amused at this, probably because Luke's looking awkward and Jess is still on guard with Babette looking at him (not that Lorelai knows that's why), "Aw. You didn't have to wait for us," Lorelai says.

"I wasn't waiting for you, it just worked out that way," Luke shrugs off and Rory grins at her mother over her glass of water.

"Looks great," Rory supplies.

"Tasty," Lorelai adds in as everyone but Luke picks up their forks. Rory's halfway through spearing a piece of chicken when Luke lets out a few 'woah's. 

"Shouldn't we give thanks?"

Rory feels Jess's shoulder rub swiftly against hers when he looks up at Luke, "Thanks for what?"

"Well..." Luke sighs as he tries to reach for the words, "That we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for Small Pox infested blankets?"

"Amen," Lorelai nods. 

They dig into their food and when Jess's shoulder brushes hers again his hand drops to her knee and gives it a light squeeze. It makes her dress ride up a little, but he just hooks his pinky finger around the hem and pulls it back down under his palm. Rory tangles her fingers with his against her thigh and thanks whatever deity up there that Jess is left-handed so the fact that she's holding his right-hand doesn't stilt their movements above the table. 

Rory's tuned out when Jess squeezes her fingers and stands up with Luke, but Lorelai kicks her shin a little under the table before she can question where he's going. 

"So - no offense - but lame-o kiss."

Rory's blood runs a little cold and guards herself for a hint that Lorelai knows he spent the night, "What?"

"You and Jess," Lorelai starts stealing food from Luke's plate as she talks, "Like a couple of chickens pecking each other."

"Mind your business."

"It was right in front of me-"

"So I don't need a review."

"Sorry."

Lorelai raises a quizzical eyebrow at her and Rory shys into herself a little bit, "I'm just not good with the public displays," She mumbles.

"You didn't have that problem with Dean." Her mother oh-so-helpfully points out.

Rory sighs and looks away towards the window, crossing her arms over the table, "I know but now I just feel like everybody's watching me." Namely, Babette - right over Lorelai's shoulder in fact.

"People are not watching you."

"You were watching me!"

"I created you, it's biologically predetermined that I watch you."

"I just don't know how this whole second boyfriend thing is supposed to go."

"Well," It's going to be a joke, Rory can already tell, "It's your first second boyfriend, give it time."

"The whole town got used to me with Dean, it's just weird." Okay, so technically she was too enveloped in trying not to be awkward with Dean to notice if the town was watching them, but it's besides the point.

"It'll get easier, you're gonna have hundreds of men in your life."

"Gee, thanks."

"Maybe not hundreds," Lorelai rolls her eyes and starts shoveling potatoes onto her fork, "A couple - _three_ more, maybe - it'll get easier."

"I guess," Is all Rory can say before Jess comes back with a pot of coffee. He starts filling Lorelai's mug up first, is only halfway done when Babette and Morey stand up behind him.

"Jess, sugar," Rory sees the way Jess tenses a little and catches her eyes quickly before looking at Babette over his shoulder, "Thank Luke for me."

"Will do."

Rory thinks they're in the clear when Babette and her mother make a few quips back and forth, knows Jess lets his shoulders fall when he slides back into his seat and fills up her coffee mug. His hand has just found it's way back into hers, now on his thigh, when Babette turns back to them.

"And, kids, that kiss... come on-" 

"Oh god," Jess mutters under his breath, and Rory ducks her head to avoid looking at anyone. They let go of each other's hands at the same time, bring them to sit on top of the table as if to prove to everyone they weren't touching.

They barely look at each other when Babette finally leaves, and they let Luke and Lorelai carry the rest of the dinner conversation. 

"Okay, so maybe people are watching," Lorelai drops casually when she starts the Jeep's engine and they drive towards Hartford. They were supposed to go to the Kim's and Sookie's before this, but Sookie had a kitchen malfunction and called ahead to refuse them entry until it's sorted, and they decided to skip the Kim's when they saw around seven cars parked in front of their house. Rory will phone from her grandparents and let Lane know, and promise that Lane can come over the next morning and eat their leftovers that include gluten and salt until her little heart's content. 

There's a new maid that answers the door, _of course_ , but Emily's right there before Lorelai can give her 'we're the disappointments coming for dinner' speech she likes to give the new employees. They're seated quickly, with Rory opposite her mother and her grandmother at one head of the table. Her grandfather joins them just moments later and subtly slips a book between Rory's back and the chair when he walks past with a pat on her shoulder. 

"So, Rory," Her grandmother turns to her after a confusing back-and-forth with Lorelai about Madonna. "How is that boyfriend of yours?"

 _That's_ what she'd forgotten to do. She and Dean had split up months ago, and it had never come up in conversation at all the dinners since - granted, she'd not had dinner with her grandparents since New York, what with exams and Richard's retirement paperwork coming through. "Oh, er," She stumbles out, especially when her grandfather finally tunes into the conversation, "Dean and I broke up."

She knows they're pleased with the information because they don't ask the questions people normally do, or try and apologize for bringing it up. Rory knows her grandfather got off on the wrong foot with Dean about the car, and that her grandmother had heard Richard's side of the story and decided Dean was just no good. Rory also knows that her grandparents are quite stuck in their ways, and unless it's a boy from _their_ world (money, name, debutante balls every year or so) they'll _never_ be any good for Rory, at least according to them. 

"I know," Emily says casually, pushing some carrot shavings around her plate. She doesn't say anymore but Rory knows she's expected to carry on talking anyway. 

"I'm, um," Her grandparents detest when people stutter when they talk, especially if they weren't born with it, so she clears her throat and tries to sound confident when she speaks again, "I'm with Jess now."

"I heard."

She'd heard about the accident, about Rory running after him to New York - Rory wouldn't be surprised if she had a fly on the wall and found out they've been sleeping together regularly, probably knows they'd spent the night together and that he'd only left this morning barely ten minutes before Lorelai came back. 

"So..." Lorelai drags out, and Rory sends her a grateful look when it's clear the topic is changing, "New maid?"

Rory can't tell if the dinner is tense, or if she's just on edge for the rest of it. Her grandfather escapes to answer the phone and locks himself in his office for an hour before her grandmother gets fed up and sends Rory to go fetch him. 

He's still on the phone when she enters his office, but she knows the drill and just observes the bookcase as he finishes up the call. She loves her grandfather's office. There's not much difference between this particular room and the rest of the house, but it's cozy and full of books Rory has yet to get her hands on. The ones she's read, the ones that she can talk to her grandfather about, are all in the library a few doors down. All of these ones have to do with insurance and economics - topics that Rory has yet to delve into, but knows she will soon because she's eighteen and her relationship with her grandfather is only continuing to develop well. 

"So," Richard sighs when he hangs up the phone and pours himself some whiskey. Rory sits in the chair opposite his desk and sinks into it a little, revels in the fact that when it's just them in their office they can both relax and she doesn't get reminded to sit up straight any time her shoulders hunch a little, "Jess?"

Rory nods and plays with the hem of her dress, "What would you like to know?"

"Do you like him?"

She nods again, "Yes, I do."

"And he likes you?"

"I should hope so," It's a poor attempt at a joke but he deems her with a small smile anyway, "Yes," She answers seriously this time, "Yes, he does."

"What do you talk about?"

There's a moment where she thinks back to a late-night walk with Jess. He'd been walking her home from the diner but they took more turns than necessary and made a few circles around some blocks on the other side of town to her house, _"What did you two talk about?"_ Jess had asked, hands in his pockets but one elbow a little crooked so Rory could hook her arm through it, trying to share his body heat in a battle against the cold wind picking up, _"You and Dean?"_ She'd answered him, something about school, TV, anything generic because she couldn't remember the real serious conversations at that point.

"Books, a lot," Rory answers her grandfather now because she knows that will gain Jess some respect from him quickly, "He's a Hemingway fan."

Another point in Jess's favor - Richard Gilmore is caught with a Hemingway in his hands more often than any other author. 

"Just books?"

"He's not really the biggest talker about his feelings," Rory sighs, "But... we're working on things. And it's good. I'm happy."

Richard nods and finishes his drinks, stands up, and leads them towards the door, "Good. You know, your grandmother will want to meet him."

"Can you stall her for a few days? Let me prep Jess?"

He winks and holds her against his side as they walk, "I'll call when it's safe."

* * *

Two hours later, Lorelai watches her daughter's retreating back as she disappears into the bathroom, and Sookie falls silent next to her when Lorelai shrugs on her coat with a sigh. "He's me."

"Who?"

"Jess," Lorelai's chest is tight at the realization and she thinks back to her argument with Luke after Rory came back from New York, "I thought Jess was her Christopher but he isn't. He's me."

Sookie looks like she's known that all along and rubs Lorelai elbow, "Is that really a bad thing?"

"Probably."

"He seems to really like Rory."

"I know."

Lorelai knows. The thing is, she also knows that sometimes you just need to run. She liked Max - enough to want to marry him - but she had to run, pack herself and Rory up and go for a road trip that dug into her bank balance. Her feelings for Max weren't enough to make her walk down the aisle. 

She's worried because Jess is Rory's Lorelai, and she really doesn't want Rory to be Jess's Max.

* * *

Jess swears under his breath and drops the trash bag to the floor, tries to ignore Luke ranting next to him. "You need more trash cans."

"We have enough, that one's two meters away, quit whining."

Jess gives him a glare and his arms strain when he attempts to tie the trash bag closed again. It's too full because Luke had insisted they still had room in it and they didn't need to waste a whole other bag on three plates of leftovers, but now it's heavy and basically bulging with the amount of trash in it. He hears the Gilmore's walk towards them but has just managed to wangle the ends of the bag into something barely resembling a knot and doesn't look up at them for fear of spilling everything all over the floor. Taylor would have a fit if Jess made a mess, and Luke wouldn't let him get away with leaving it there to piss Taylor off because it's in front of the diner and customers would come to eat.

"Hey Saint Nick," Lorelai teases from the door and the only reason Jess won't glare at her is because Rory's told him she's trying, and she's asking him to try too. Plus, you know, Rory lets him take her shirt off when they're alone, and if he's rude to her mother that might stop. 

"Tell him he needs more trash cans," Jess grunts, slinging the bag over his shoulder but Luke pushes his shoulder towards the communal trash can and leads Lorelai into the diner with a question of flames coming from Sookie's.

Jess doesn't realize Rory's still there until she catches up with him and moves in front of his body. "I still say he needs to get more trash cans-" He registers the way she looks over each shoulder once but then she's leading his mouth towards hers and it stops mattering. He drops the bag behind him, ignores the fact that he hears tin meet concrete and that'll be a mess he needs to clear up later on. 

Her face is cold against his, but her neck's warm under his palm and she slides her arms around his middle as she kisses him, presses their fronts together, and her jacket's warm against his sweater. She hums a little and he pulls her closer, tangles a hand in her hair to tilt her head, and deepens the kiss. 

"Hi," She grins when she pulls away.

"Hi."

"You shaved." She points out, brings up her hand to thumb at his chin, and swats at his cheek when he bites it between his teeth playfully.

He just hums in answer, secures his arms around her waist to keep them pressed together. Jess knows she never had any set opinions on the state of his facial hair, just that she prefers it clean-shaven because she likes rubbing her thumb against his cheek when they're laying together and the stubble burns her thumb after a while.

Her thumb finds a small cut right on the jut of his chin now, where he'd nicked it when he was shaving and she places a fleeting kiss to it. "You busy tomorrow?"

He shakes his head, "Switched shifts with a guy so Walmart doesn't need me, and Lane asked to switch shifts so she doesn't have to help her cousin tomorrow. Why what you planning?"

"There's this bookstore-" She has him hooked "-in Hartford-" Unhooked "-and they have that Hemingway you were telling me about in New York." Hooked right back in, damn her.

"When's the bus?"

"Won't stop outside and it's going to take half an hour to walk to it if we take the bus."

"Good exercise-"

"Jess," She interrupts, leans back a little, and secures her hands on his shoulders, "You have to get in a car with me at some point."

"No."

"You going to walk to Yale every time you want to visit-" She stops herself. They haven't talked about college, not really. She'd applied for Yale, Harvard, and Princeton, but since their talk in New York, she's pretty much set on Yale. There's always been a hint of anxiety about it, since they got together. Dean had just thought they'd break up when Rory was set to leave, and then started talking about moving in together. She's purposely avoided this conversation with Jess because it's so _good_ right now and they talk about enough serious things, they don't need to add on when she leaves. He knows this. Knows she's avoided it because she's not ready to talk about it.

"22.8 miles, not that far," He shrugs casually, and lets go so he can pick up the trash. She follows him silently to the trash can, back again towards the diner but stops him by the door. 

"You looked it up?"

"Just punched a few buttons on the computer," He tries to play it off, "There was nothing on TV, I was bored. No big deal."

The smile on her face makes him a little breathless when he looks at it, but she wraps her arms around his neck when she talks next, "You looked it up."

He sighs and tucks her hair behind her ear. "Well, I got to know where you'll be. Plus, helps me plan."

"Plan for what?"

He shrugs again and brings her a step closer, leans against the door frame, "The car should be fixed up by then so I'll probably pull a Kerouac for a bit."

There's a conversation he wants to have with her - about Jimmy's phone call whilst she was at her grandmother's, about how he wants to go to California, about how Luke's not happy about it but understands why he has to go - but it can wait. There's another thing he wants to say instead, just three little words that never meant anything to him before but now mean so much they always get lodged in his throat. 

He thinks he's known for a while now, only realized in New York though, but it's definitely been there much longer and it's terrifying. They've only known each for three months at best, only been dating for a month, and it feels way too early to say it but it feels right _knowing_ it. 

Sometimes he thinks she feels the same way. She'll look at him and he can just _tell_ she's happy, and in the quiet moments where they don't talk but still find themselves looking at each other it looks like she opens her mouth to say those words first. She never does, and he doesn't say them either. They're _important_ words, words you can't just throw about - even he knows that much.

That happy look is back in her eyes, almost as if instead of saying 22.8 miles he actually just confessed. 

"22.8 miles," She whispers and he nods, kisses her because he doesn't know what else to say. 

They're fine. They're _good_ , he knows.

Rory will go to Yale (because obviously she'll get in). He'll go to California, and then wherever else after that, and he'll come back to Stars Hollow to see Luke; drive 22.8 miles to see Rory. It feels like confession enough, this internal plan he has, and he knows at some point he'll lay it all out for Rory and she'll write some pro-and-con lists for each state he wants to visit, help him lay out all the foundations and they'll call each other whenever possible.

The way she grips the back of his head as she kisses him back, the quiet huff when they pull away, the way she doesn't let go of his hand the entire time they watch Luke and Lorelai bicker, feels confession enough from her, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't remember what chapter i said emily was in but i definitely lied lmao  
> turns out writing her and paris is much harder than i thought, so have a shitty intro to her here before I try and write her better later


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is a long chapter because the next one's kind of an epilogue???

Jess thinks he's spent ninety-percent of his relationship with Rory trying to find the words he wants to say. Even when they're only talking about books and making jokes between them - conversations that he's confident in and knows what to say and when - he's thinking a mile a minute to try and figure out if he wants to say 'and' or 'also' and it's stupidly pathetic. 

But Rory has that effect on him. She rubs circles on his arm and laughs at his jokes and kisses him like she means it (and he knows she _does_ ), will make him feel secure and safe, but it's not until they get some distance and a few doors between them that he realizes he's always been on high alert with her. 

He has a _crush_ on his own goddamn _girlfriend_ and it's _pathetic_.

So it's difficult, suddenly, when he doesn't need to find any words. He knows what he wants to say. 

Jess is pretty sure Rory's ruined him - and in more ways than one. She's ruined him for other girls because she's always going to be his number one, even if they don't work out in a few years. She's ruined him for late-night drives because all he can think about now when he drives at night is Rory laughing in the seat beside him and then the sickening crunch of her wrist. She's ruined sex for him. Because sex with Rory is amazing and Jess has spent his entire life reading stories about knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with that one person because everything outside of the bedroom is just as great as everything in the bedroom. 

Rory's ruined him because Rory is Jess's therapy. 

He picks her up at nine that night, the night before she graduates, and she doesn't stop smiling through their kiss because Jess is _driving_ and it's the first time since the accident that he's let Rory so much as look at any car he's driving, much less get into it. Once they're out of Stars Hollow he breathes a little easier and even takes her hand because he knows this route and has never once fractured his girlfriend's wrist on this road - chooses to ignore the fact that he's never driven her this way. 

"Where are we going?" 

Jess lets go of her hand to change gears but laces his fingers back into hers seconds later, "Batterson Park." He goes there during his lunch breaks sometimes, it's a good place to just pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. It's around forty minutes out of Stars Hollow and he definitely knows he won't get Rory back in time for curfew, but also knows that Lorelai is well aware of that. The Gilmore's are going to Europe in two days, and Jess can't get out of his evening shift tomorrow no matter how hard he'd tried, so tonight is the last time they'll be alone before she graduates tomorrow and her grandparents throw a party he's sure he'll ditch an hour in. 

By the time he parks the car a few meters from the lake, it's pitch black and the temperature's dropped. Rory's wearing the jacket he had given her the night of the accident and Jess can't look at it for too long, grabs the blanket from the trunk, and wraps them both up in it once they're sat on the hood. Rory leans against the windshield and Jess leans against her, puts up with where the night's chill seeps through the corners of the blanket because Rory draws patterns on his stomach and it warms him up a little.

"Jimmy called," He says and just rubs at the skin of her ankle underneath her sock when she tenses. She's heard about Jimmy - mainly from Luke because Jess won't talk about him - and as far as she's aware, he's a little worse than Liz because he was the one that walked. She nuzzles her nose into his hair for a moment, the way she always does when he tells a story because he always needs to move away. 

Not this time, though. Her arms slacken around him but he just sinks further into her, the hand rubbing at her ankle brings her leg around his middle to battle the cold but also show her he's okay right where he is.

"I'm going to California," He carries on, kisses her palm when her fingers start drawing patterns on his neck, "For a month. He's booked a flight for me. Wednesday." He knows he doesn't need to explain it to her because Rory never asks for any explanation, but he also feels like he _does_ need to, "I just... He never said he wanted to be my dad but, he wants to get to know me and... After everything with Liz, I think I owe it to myself to have control over it this time. Liz never gave me a choice, it was her schedule and her hangovers, but now... Jimmy said the flight's booked but I could cancel it if I wanted, and he'd take the hint. He said if I just wanted a phone call every month or so he could do that - if I didn't want to visit now but maybe later, that he'd sort it."

Rory presses a kiss just behind his ear and Jess feels her little sigh more than he hears it. He tilts his head to look at her and she looks oddly calm about all of this. "Tell me not to go," He whispers, closes his eyes, leans into her more when she tightens her grip once again, "Tell me I'm just going to be disappointed and I should stick with Luke. Please, Ror, tell me to stay."

"You and I both know I'm never going to ask you to stay in Stars Hollow," Rory whispers but Jess can hear the sadness in it, "Stars Hollow isn't for you, and I'm not going to be the one that makes you stay when I'm about to leave. I can't."

Jess stays silent and he can't, for the life of him, bring himself to open his eyes even though he can feel Rory looking at him.

She carries on, "You're not leaving Luke. He's always going to be right where he's always been."

"I already left once."

"And you came back," It's reassuring, hearing someone other than himself say that and he tries to sink further into the warmth that radiates off of Rory. She doesn't complain about the weight he's pushing onto her, just strokes his cheek with her thumb and kisses between his eyebrows, "You said it yourself, Jess, you owe it to yourself."

There's no stop-of-time-everything-stands-still moment like the movies when he whispers "I love you" out into the wind, but there is a moment of clarity and this-is-it-this-is-where-everything's-been-leading-to when Rory tilts his chin up and draws their mouths together. 

"I love you," She presses into his mouth and he can breathe easier once again.

* * *

Diploma in hand, Rory sits at the staircase that started her Chilton career and tries to figure out exactly how the timeline's unfolded behind her. So much of it has been a blur and many of her memories in this school are just passing faces that move too fast for her to place a name to. If she looks up now, she thinks she'll still be able to see Tristan and his gang leaning against the lockers at the end of the hall, shouting across the distance between them and her, calling her Mary. She thinks she can still remember the exact words Paris said when they'd knocked into each other and Rory had accidentally ruined her project, and she can definitely still hear Madeline and Louise gossiping about boys as they pass between classes. 

She can see Dean arguing with Tristan at the doors of the prom, her mother standing at Headmaster Charlton's office doors and politely declining to take off her coat, Mr. Medina - _Max_ \- sitting at his desk and telling her that he was ready to be her step-dad, and just because he isn't that doesn't mean he won't be there for Rory. 

It feels so surreal and a little anti-climactic, sitting here now when everything's been said and done. Valedictorian, a yellow tassel setting her apart from the rest of their year, a speech she knows made all of her family cry (and, even if they won't admit it, later on, Luke and Jackson and _Jess_ even shed a few tears). She'd known she'd get here, but it was always a 'when' scenario. She's not planned for it to already be done. For college to be looming much closer than ever before and everything changing but staying in the same place. 

Rory doesn't know when her grandmother joined her on the steps, but suddenly she's there, encasing Rory's hands in her own and studying the paintings on the walls. 

"I'm proud of you," Her grandmother says in a voice so gentle it's a little hard to hear, "I know... I know we've always said you would be here anyway but it's still something I'm so proud of you for."

"Thanks, grandma," Rory gives her the best smile she can muster right now, "This is it."

"It's scary after this. But it's so worth it."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Emily smiles at her, tucks her hair behind her ear and sighs, "Yale?"

"Yale." 

"Europe?"

"Europe."

There's a pause and then, "Jess?"

She hears Jess whisper that he loves her as they sat on his car last night, sees him mouth it to her when she walked across the stage and caught his eye, sees it in his eyes when he's standing up beside Rory and whooping for her. 

"Jess." It's so much more confident, the way she says it, compared to the others because she just _knows_. She doesn't know what she knows. Just that she _knows_. 

"And that black eye?"

Her grandmother had looked at it this morning when they'd all meet right outside the Chilton gates to watch Rory step into them one last time and had been nothing but civil to his face, but the minute she'd turned around Rory had seen that she was upset and disappointed and _personally offended_ at the bruise on Jess's face.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Rory leans in, "But you have to promise not to tell anyone. Not even my mom."

The DAR women had always been gossips, her grandmother especially, but there's a twinkle in her eye now that Rory's never seen before. One that's only there because this is something Rory's telling her that not even her mother knows first.

"Secrets are incredibly unladylike." She says anyway but leans in all the same.

"He got beaked."

"Excuse me?"

Rory's already laughing and she has to lean back so she doesn't laugh right in her grandmother's face because _that's_ unladylike. There's only a little bit of her that feels bad, "Jess. He got beaked by a swan at the creek in Stars Hollow this morning. He thinks I don't know."

Emily sits there for a moment, totally bewildered, and then she starts laughing just as hard as Rory and it sets Rory off again. They sit there laughing until Lorelai finds them, and Emily starts laughing even harder. When Rory links arms with her mother, leading her away so her grandmother can cool down before meeting everyone outside, she just shakes her head gently at the question on her mother's tongue and they step outside. 

Jess and Luke are leaning against a wall, and they both look so out of place against the Chilton's backdrop despite their suits. Rory leans into Jess after hugging Luke and closes her eyes for a moment, soaking up the feel of the sun on the back of her neck, of Jess sweeping a kiss to her forehead and his hand on her arm. She tunes out everything around them because she's getting on a plane at midnight and Jess will be in California in another two days and he can't get off of work this evening so this is the last few moments where she can pretend it's just them, in New York, reading over each other's shoulders and whispering into the dark.

He never said when he was getting back, probably because he doesn't know, but Rory finds she's not worried. 

He said he'd visit Yale - _22.8 miles_ ; he'd said _I love you_ before the actual words - and she knows he will. They're going to make this work, no matter how tough it gets, because _Rory knows_.

* * *

They had ridden in with Luke to Chilton, but Rory wants to take the bus back to Stars Hollow one final time and Jess wants an extra hour with her before she goes away. They sit at the back and she folds herself under his arm, and they don't speak a word to each other the entire time. He breathes in the scent of her shampoo lingering on her hair and concentrates on the patterns she's drawing on his thigh. They get off at the bus stop, just thirty seconds away from Luke's, close enough to see the way Luke rolls his eyes at Taylor through the windows, and Rory stops him just before he can cross the street. 

She's going back to her house, to get ready for the dinner and party her grandmother's throwing for her, and Jess needs to get ready to drive to work. He tries not to think about the fact that in just six hours she'll be at the airport and he'll just be clocking off his shift. 

"I love you," She says, squeezes his hand in hers. 

It makes his throat close up but his chest feels lighter at the same time and he loves that this is where they're at now. _She knows_. Rory knows something, knows they can make this work, and that's all that Jess needs to let go of those insecurities for just a moment. "I love you," He presses into her lips and brings her as close as possible. Someone walks briskly past them on the street but it doesn't stop Jess from tilting his head to kiss her deeper. 

"Send me a postcard, yeah?"

"You don't want a smoke signal?"

"I'm not up to date on my smoke-dialect, maybe once you hit Germany I'll be ready." And he loves the vibrations of her laugh against his mouth, the way her chest moves against his. He's going to miss her like crazy, knows that he's going to need her by his side in California but that he'll have to do it alone, and he doesn't say these to her because he knows she has to go do her thing in Europe and he has to go and face Jimmy by himself. 

He forces himself to step away first, watches her walk across the town square, and she turns back to him just as she reaches her mother's Jeep. He lifts his hand in a silent wave and that's all it takes for her to smile and move to walk up the porch. Jess heads into Luke's once the Gilmore's door is shut, picks up a rag to help with the lunch rush before he has to drive to work. 

It doesn't feel as bad as he thought it would, watching Lorelai's Jeep roll past just before he grabs his keys, because _he knows that Rory knows_.

* * *

It's healthy. Rory knows it's healthy, that she doesn't think about Jess all that much when she's in Europe, because this is her and her mother's trip. This is the last trip they'll take together that's just them. The last one where Rory can fall back into the role of daughter and Lorelai can shoulder all the responsibilities she's missed having since New York. The last trip between them before Rory will be thrust headfirst into the adult world before college and work take up all her timetable. The last one before Lorelai has to really let her go and be the sub in Rory's life and not the captain. 

They laugh together under the Eiffel Tower and make funny faces at the camera next to the Trevi fountain, and they piss off Spanish locals when they order five cups of coffee in one sitting because Spanish coffee tastes so much better than American coffee. Rory makes friends with a college sophomore in Germany, who's also heading to London next week, just a day before the Gilmore's, and they exchange numbers because the girl goes to Harvard and her dad works for The Times (Rory's _networking_ ). They go to a nightclub that used to be a police station, and Rory declines a dance with a boy that's trying a little too hard. They stay in Prague for three days and make friends with the bellboy who tells them about a park not too far with a waterfall, where Lorelai spends hours tanning and Rory reads. 

But that doesn't mean she _never_ thinks about Jess.

She thinks about Jess when she's extra warm in bed, can imagine him lying there next to her with their arms around each other. She thinks about him when she sees graffiti on the walls in Italy because he has a tee shirt with that logo on it, and she snaps a photo of it just to show him. She thinks about him when she picks up a copy of _On The Road_ in French because he hates the French language and it's gonna be funny when he unwraps it. She thinks about him when she spends twenty minutes picking a postcard for him each week and thinks about him when she spends an hour writing it. 

But he's not always in the front of her mind and that's okay. She used to feel guilty when she was with Dean and she realized she'd just spent six straight hours without thinking about his hair or his jacket or something equally as stupid, but she doesn't with Jess. 

Rory tries to explain this to her mother, but the words sound jumbled and wrong, but Lorelai gets it anyway. Rory thinks Lorelai's warming up to Jess. They won't be making friendship bracelets any time soon or half-a-heart necklace that connects to each other's, but when Rory tells her mother that she loves him, Lorelai just smiles like she already knew. 

"You know, I can see it." Lorelai says when they're thirty-three thousand feet in the air above the English Channel. 

"Can see what?"

Lorelai touches her hand and just sighs in the way mothers do, "Why he's worth it to you. I can see it now."

It's more than Rory's ever wanted to hear from her and all she can do is lean her head on her mother's shoulder and match the rhythm of her breathing.

She realizes when she's sat in a bookstore in London, what she's known for some time now. Lorelai's disappeared to find some shoes she can tell people she brought from London, and Rory's taken up residence in the corner of a tiny little independent book store in Camden. She has _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_ in one hand and _The Old Man and The Sea_ in the other. 

"Do you need some help choosing?"

In any other situation, she would notice that the guy in front of her is stupidly attractive, but she just smiles blindly at him and shakes her head. "I already know, thank you," She puts down _Fear and Loathing_ and takes _The Old Man_ to the counter. 

* * *

Luke closes the diner two hours early on Wednesday and drives behind Jess until they reach the Stars Hollow sign. The road's empty when Luke faces his car the opposite way and they both step out of their cars. 

Jess knows Luke isn't happy he's going to California - not so much because it's California and they both hate sand with a passion, but because it's _Jimmy_ and Jimmy was never Luke's favorite person to begin with. 

"You'll call?"

"Once a week, at least, I know the rules." Jess nods and leans against his door. Luke mimics him and they stand there in silence for a few moments, Luke's radio playing softly behind him. 

"I'll be back in a few weeks," Jess says a little dumbly when the silence has stretched long enough. He remembers when he'd first got to Stars Hollow, how he preferred the silence and used to have to grit his teeth whenever someone would start a conversation when he just wanted quiet. Now, though, he's used to the little jokes swapped behind the counter between him and Luke, and how they'd quickly fallen into that family bond that should have been there years ago. 

He's not graduated and he knows that's annoyed Luke, but he's also aware that Luke knows Jess will be alright. _Jess_ knows he'll be alright. 

"I know," Luke sighs, and when he pulls Jess into a hug it's not as awkward as either of them expected it to be. "I'm always here, kid."

"I know."

Luke leaves with one last honk of his horn when he turns out of sight. Jess studies the Stars Hollow sight for a long moment before slipping into the driver's seat of his car and fiddling with the keys in his hands. 

His clean slate hasn't started yet, not when half of his car is still in Stars Hollow and the other half is just beyond. He's not leaving, so he doesn't know why he's stalling. A mile or so down the road, he knows, he'll let his shoulders loosen and he can focus on just getting to California. Jimmy had cancelled the flight because Jess wanted to drive, had sent Jess some money for gas instead, and seemed to know that Jess just wanted those extra few days between Stars Hollow and California to figure some things out. 

He does figure a few things out as he drives. Around Missouri, he figures out that he wants to write - that the notebook tucked into his jacket pocket on the seat next to him is more than him just getting out the words he can't tell Rory because she's away - and by Utah, he knows that California won't be his saving grace. California is going to be a month, possibly two at most, of his time as an eighteen-year-old, and after that just a memory of his journey to wherever he ends up. 

There's a small patch of land called Sleepy Hollow in California and he laughs when he sees the sign so much he has to pull to the edge of the road and calm himself down. He doesn't know why it's so funny, just knows that whenever he hears or reads 'Hollow' from now on he'll think about Kirk screaming about Easter Eggs in the middle of October and Taylor dressed in that soda shoppe uniform. One of Lane's old cameras still has a little bit of battery left, and he knows that she and Rory will get a kick out of it too, so he takes a picture of the sign with the back of two little kid's heads right as they flip it off. 

He drives slowly the rest of the way to Venice Beach, but still ends up being a little early to meet Jimmy. Jimmy wants to grab a coffee or something with him first, just to make sure Jess knows what he's about to walk into, and Jess kind of feels like that's stupid because _Jimmy_ doesn't know what _he's_ getting himself into with Jess, but he didn't say anything on the phone. 

He phones Luke at a payphone and tells the answering he's in LA now and he can stop worrying he managed to flip his car off an intersection. It's barely midday and he's been on the road for four days, he knows by the second day that Luke was back to his regular hours and not camping out at the phone. Jess didn't want to call him from every state he stopped for gas in, because it would eat into his cash and would only stress Luke out when he found he'd spent three hours sitting in a gas station car park watching cars trickle past because he couldn't bring himself to drive any further just yet. 

He'd sent Rory a postcard from Denver, though, something about having driven past _Don's Club Tavern_ that shows up in a few of Kerouac's works, but that he didn't go in because he's not doing the Kerouac road trip yet and he doesn't want to ruin it for himself when he eventually does. He knows she's still in Europe, probably somewhere around Italy right now, and that she's sending postcards to Luke's because she said she would for him, and he also knows she's not expecting anything from him so it would be a nice surprise. 

Jess walks through some of the streets closer to the car park for a few moments and buys another postcard - one that says California but doesn't _scream_ it obnoxiously - and sits on the hood of his car writing an update for Rory. Except, he doesn't really know what to say past ' _Hey Ror, made it to VB'_ and so he shoves it into the inside pocket of his jacket and lights a cigarette until Jimmy finds him.

* * *

"Hey, Hun?"

"In here!"

Lorelai had disappeared to the lobby to answer a phone call, but she's back now and smiles at Rory when she leans against the bathroom door. "Phone's free downstairs if you want it, the receptionist said she'd look the other way as long as she gets a nice shiny Hamilton in her pocket before."

"What?"

Rory knows the second that her mother holds up a slip of paper between two fingers what's written on it, and she's not ashamed in the slightest at the way she squeals and hugs her mother. They'd checked off four countries in a week and a half and as exhausting as it, and as exhausted as she is now just thinking about their trek through as many London markets as possible tomorrow, she barely remembers to slip on some sneakers before rushing down to the lobby. 

Her mother seems to forget that they don't use American bills over here, but the lady at reception calls her 'honey' when she says it was only a joke anyway and she can keep her money. "You have to tell me though," She says as she leads Rory into a back office and gestures at the phone, "Is he cute at least?"

"Very James Dean, according to my mom."

"The cute ones are always young," Rory hears her grumble as she clicks the door shut behind her, and she chuckles as she dials the number on the slip of paper. The area code is 310 so she knows he's made it to California, and this is good because now she knows she can call whenever she can smuggle away some time to herself. There are only a week and a half left of her trip around Europe with her mother, but she knows once she's back in Connecticut that there's going to be a list of people she has to split her time between before college, and that Jess will be, more than likely, still in California. 

"Hello?"

"Jess?"

"Well hey, Nellie Bly, how's the trip?" 

It's so good to hear his voice, a little more gruff than normal but he has just driven across the country, and it makes her smile in the empty office with the phone pressed to her ear like a moron. 

"No plague in the Women's Hall of Fame just yet but I'm sure that will change in a few days."

"Oh, yeah? You got the right connections?"

"Emily Gilmore can pull some strings."

He laughs and there's a rustle on his side of the phone. Rory leans back in the seat and twirls the phone cable between her fingers like she's in a movie, "How was the drive? How's California? Jimmy?"

"You're going to make a great journalist but you're not gonna get any answers that way, Ror," She huffs at his joke and he snorts, "The drive was good. Stopped a few times, met a hobo or two, drank some really crap coffee and dropped ketchup on the seat. California's hot and there's too much sand. Jimmy's... verdict's still out. Try again in a few days?"

"How's it going?"

"Come on, I want to hear about your trip. Where are you now?"

"London. How's it going?"

"We doing a back and forth now?"

"Yep, compromise baby, your turn."

"Fine," He sighs and she smirks in victory even though he can't see it, "So far it's not the worst. I met Sasha, Jimmy's girlfriend, and her kid, Lily, who's alright except she already loves Stephen King way too much for an eleven-year-old and she keeps hiding out under the table and freaking me out. How's London?"

"It rained today but I found three bookstores that I would happily live in and grow old. It's busy, busier than I thought, and every single British person we've met so far has called my mom some names that I don't want to repeat. Did you get to check out Venice yet or is it strictly family time?"

"Please don't call it that, pretty sure I'll break out in hives if I hear that again. Jimmy took me around to his store and showed me the closest grocers and everything but I'm going to go drive around tomorrow and check out the rest. Where are you going next?"

"We only have a week and a half left, so only Portugal and Belgium before we're back in the states. Have you figured out how long you're going to stay there?"

"A few weeks. I don't know if I can handle any more than three. They don't have a spare room so I'm crashing on their couch. Lily has a trundle bed but she sleep-talks _and_ walks around too. Also not sold on the idea of sharing a room with an eleven-year-old. I miss you."

She can't talk because she's smiling so hard it kind of hurts. He's crashing on his estranged father's couch, and probably within earshot of said father and his girlfriend right now, and he doesn't sound the least bit embarrassed to admit he misses her. "I miss you too," She says and tucks her knees to her chest, "I sent you some postcards but I didn't know the address, so I just sent them to Luke's."

"No smoke signal? I've been studying and think I've got the hang of it."

"I'll send you one tomorrow, better chance of seeing it from England than Portugal."

"Smart thinking Gilmore, Yale's lucky to have you."

"Hey, Jess?"

"Mhm?"

"I love you." It's a little pathetic, she thinks, that she's kept track of how much they've said it since that night in Batterson Park. Three times out loud to each other, five times mouthing it across rooms and graduation crowds, countless times just by looking at each other. 

Six times in _22.8 miles_. 

Jess hums again down the phone but she can practically _hear_ the smile on his face, "I love you, too. Get some sleep, Ror, phone me when you can."

The receptionist winks at her when Rory sneaks back out of the office, and her mother's already asleep when she locks their hotel door after them. They'd gotten a double bed to share - because they're not in England for too long and want to safe some pennies for all the things they want to do in Belgium - so it doesn't surprise Rory when she accidentally wakes her mom up trying to get more covers on her side. 

"How's Jess?" Had this been two weeks ago, Lorelai would have still asked that question, but there would be less genuine interest in there and more of civil acceptance of social constructs. Now, though, Rory knows that her mother actually wants to know. It might be because she's accepted that her daughter has only gone and fallen in love with the one boy her mother didn't want her to, or because the whole town had been surprised that Jess _wanted_ to go see the father who walked out on him, or, at this one is the one Rory's really hoping for, Lorelai's genuinely concerned about Jess being alone on the other side of the country with a man he only knew for a day when he was a newborn.

"He's okay," Rory snuggles closer into her mother and tries not to press her toes to her mother's shins, "Not much to tell but he said to phone whenever I can."

"You still happy?"

"Very much."

* * *

He hates California. 

He gets sand on him even when he's not been to the beach that day, and everyone's _friendly_ over here (so maybe not _friendly_ , just happier to start random conversations in the grocery line than they would in New York). Jimmy lets him do odd jobs around the house he's not had time to do yet for some cash, and the neighbors either side kind of take advantage of Jess being there because they offer him money to mow the lawn or help lug boxes up to their attic. He doesn't complain, he's got extra cash in his pocket and Jimmy doesn't bother with rent or getting him to chip in with groceries, so long as he eats dinner with them every night and helps Sasha at the supermarket.

Sasha and Lily are nice enough, as far as complete strangers go. Sasha is friends with pretty much everyone, which makes a five-minute trip to pick up tomatoes last about thirty million years, and she gives off some pretty chill hippy vibes which is only helpful to Jess because she seems to respect that he doesn't want to talk out his feelings. Her daughter, Lily, gives him the creeps a little, kind of reminds him of what Taylor could have been like as a kid (which is weird enough to think about), and had spent the first hour of meeting him arguing that Stephen King was _great thanks very much._ But, she's still cool. They get along well enough - which basically translates to reading together on the porch (so long as Lily can slide _under_ the porch or any furniture typically not meant to be a shelter). 

Jess doesn't really make an effort to get to know anyone though. He'd known in the first ten minutes of meeting Jimmy face-to-face that they weren't going to be best buds, or anything resembling father-and-son. Jimmy had explained that he'd shown up to the diner but Luke had kicked him out, that Jess was probably at school or working at Walmart when it happened, and that he would have stuck around if he didn't know that Luke already wanted to dump him headfirst into the deep fryer. Jess wanted to say that if Jimmy _really_ wanted to get to know him, as he'd claimed to, Luke wouldn't have scared him off from meeting him so easily.

Jess is reading on the porch swing when Sasha slides down next to him and sighs, "You've been real quiet today."

He'd gone to Jimmy's store for a few hours, helped with the paperwork, and then wandered around for another few hours. Some girls had stopped him by some park, asked a few questions, and giggled at the one-worded answers he gave even though they weren't jokes and definitely weren't funny. They were pretty enough, but he still had Rory saying that she loves him ringing around in his ears from the night before and it was pretty easy to shrug the girls off. 

"Not much to say."

"You had plenty last night, on the phone."

"My girlfriend says the verbal thing comes and goes for me."

"What's her name?"

He closes his book because it's clear he's not getting past the sentence he's reread twice since she sat down. Sasha has a habit of facing you when you talk, even when the chair makes it uncomfortable to do so, and she's doing that now and it's unnerving with her colorful headband and hippy skirt.

"Rory."

"Is she pretty?"

"Yeah."

"You got a picture?"

Okay, so she really likes to talk. As Jess pulls his wallet from his back pocket he can't help but add that to the list of differences between Liz and Sasha. From what Jess has gathered so far, Jimmy met Sasha a few weeks after moving to Venice (he'd gotten to California three days after running out on Jess and Liz, but Jimmy had said he'd moved around LA for a while before settling in Venice when Jess would have turned thirteen.). 

Sasha takes the wallet from him and studies the picture of Rory maybe a beat longer than Jess had expected her to. In the picture, Rory's in his bed in New York, and she's not really looking at the camera but just past it, where Jess had been making her laugh with stupid impressions of Kirk and Taylor arguing. She's in one of his tee-shirts and the covers are messed up around her, and he's glad she's tilted her head so that the mark on her neck was hidden when the picture was taken because Luke's seen the picture and Jess really doesn't want to let Luke know that Rory lets Jess see her naked. Not when Luke's known Rory since she was three and basically helped raise her. 

It used to be the picture of him and Rory - which is still there, just tucked behind the new one, too innocent of a picture for him to look at right now - but he'd slipped this one (his favorite of the ones of just Rory) seconds before he left Stars Hollow. _This_ is the Rory he wants to remember now, when he's desperate for her to be next to him on the stupid porch and holding his stupid hand and telling him it's all okay.

"She's pretty."

"Yeah." He gets the wallet back but doesn't put it in his pocket again. 

Sasha smiles at him, just a little sheepishly, and looks like she's going to reach for his hand but drops it to her thigh at the last moment. He can feel the tension settles in the air, already knows what she wanted to talk about.

"You can ask anything you want. I know you came for answers."

"Did he know about Lily?" It's apparently not the question she was expecting, she kind of leans back a little like he'd threatened to slap her. "When he first met you."

"Not the first time we met," She answers, "Or the second... or the third, actually. We met at this hang-out in San Fransico and we rode the bus back together here. He said he'd moved here two weeks before that and we had a few mutual friends, so we ran into each other a few times. I wasn't hiding Lily from him, but... it was nice, for a moment, just being Sasha and not Lily's mom. I got one night a week where my mother would babysit and my friends didn't want any kid talk or anything."

"What did you talk about? With Jimmy?"

"Where we were from before California," She has a little smile on her face, that Jess knows she's trying to hide from him because she's looking at her fingers on her lap rather than at his face like she normally does, "He told me that he was from New York, but I didn't know until we had already moved in together that that was just where he met your mother-"

"Liz." He interrupts her, "Just Liz."

Sasha pauses for just a second before she talks again, "That was just where he met Liz. He told me that he was married before he moved, but I didn't know about you until he disappeared for a week. Jimmy had mentioned he had a drug thing a while back and we were all worried that he had relapsed, so one of our friends managed to find his father's phone number and he- well, he said he wouldn't be surprised if Jimmy wanted to- You know, this is something you should talk to Jimmy about."

"He won't talk about this," Jess says and tries to keep his voice even. Sasha knows, he can tell, that nothing she says can change the picture of Jimmy Jess has already painted in his head. Jess had decided, somewhere around Kansas, that even if Jimmy had won a Nobel Peace Prize or whatever other awards, he would forever be the man that said he was leaving to get more diapers and never came back. "He won't talk about this because no matter how he says it, he knows he's the bad guy in this story. I want to hear it from someone who's not going to try and baby me through it. He walked out and started a new life, with a new _kid_ and I want to know why I wasn't enough for him or Liz. Please, Sasha, that's the only reason I came here."

He thinks Sasha might be crying, but she just twists a ring around her finger and starts talking again; "His father said he wouldn't be surprised if Jimmy wanted to go see you because you were supposed to be turning sixteen and it was a big deal."

"He didn't."

"I know. He came back at around midnight one day and said he'd got the month wrong. It was April."

"My birthday's in September."

Sasha looks at him now, and her eyes are red but not in the way Liz's used to be. She looks like Rory does after he tells a story and there's something twisting inside him that makes him think maybe _he's_ broken. Because, sure, they cry when he talks, but he's so indifferent sometimes it scares him. He's always known he was never the most loved kid in the world, but he had never thought it was something to cry over. Not when Liz would eventually find her way back home, and she did have her good moments, at least.

"I got mad, on Lily's tenth birthday. He spoiled her, that day, and got all excited because she asked if she could start calling him dad. We had invited our friends over, an adult's party whilst the kids played in the backyard kind of thing, and he was bragging about being a dad to all of his buddies. And I just... I was so _mad_ because he had a wife, and he had _you_ , and it didn't matter that he'd divorced Liz, but it did matter that he would brag about Lily and not you. The only one of his buddies that knows about you is the one that phoned his father. It made me feel wrong, letting him brag about a kid he didn't create when he had one that he _did_ and he didn't want to stick around for. I get it, he was nineteen and it's scary but..."

"He didn't want a kid then-"

" _Parenthood_ is scary, Jess," This is probably the first time she's sounded angry since he'd arrived, sounded stern and final. Even when Lily had knocked over an old vase by mistake, Sasha had just laughed about hating it even though Jess could tell she actually kind of loved it. "Parenthood is so scary, if you're nineteen or twenty-nine, it doesn't matter because that's a _human being_ you suddenly get handed and expected to take care of. I read all the books and I was with a man I loved at the time, and the second Lily started crying in that delivery room everything I had thought I'd known just disappeared. He's not the first teenager to walk away from a kid, and many adults do it, but that doesn't give you a right to just pretend that human being doesn't exist."

Jess doesn't turn away from her when she strokes a thumb under his eyes, doesn't shy away when he sees her thumb leaves his cheek wet from the tear she'd just wiped away. "I'm sorry," Sasha's back to gentle now, "That Lily got him and you didn't. I'm not saying he's the best dad Lily could ask for - he messes up, sometimes more than he should, and sometimes it's like he's just itching to drink more than he is to talk. I'm not saying you got a get-out-of-jail-free card. But he's not the worst. He's trying, with everyone, and he wants to try with you but..." She sighs and Jess nods.

"It won't last." He whispers, "I came here knowing that. I just... I told Rory I owed it to myself to check it out in person, you know? I asked her to make me stay, to tell me not to go, but she told me that I did owe it to myself. But I already knew before I told her about Jimmy, it's not going to last."

Sasha doesn't say anything but she does kiss his hairline before going to start on dinner. Jess stays out on the porch but he doesn't pick his book back up again. He's looking at Rory's picture when the porch swing rocks as Jimmy sits next to him. 

"I'm not going to apologize," Jimmy says, "It's too late. I know it is. I can tell you all the excuses I've thought up since I walked out but I know you don't want to hear them."

"Let's hear one of them," Jess says but keeps his eyes on Rory's picture. He knew he'd need her here to ground him, keep him from exploding, and right now looking at her mid-laugh, frozen forever in a picture he gets to carry around, works, "Humor me."

Jimmy's silent, sat rigidly and Jess knows he's regretting sitting with him rather than just walk straight into the house. "I was nineteen. I wasn't ready," Is what he conjures up and Jess snorts a little harshly. 

"You know, I'm eighteen," Jess sighs, looks away from Rory and instead to the other side of the porch where Sasha has a herb garden on the porch railings, "I have a girlfriend and I know, without a doubt, that if she needed me around, for a kid or for a fucking milkshake, I would be there. I would be terrified and would want to be anywhere else but I would be _there_. Not just for Rory, and not just for the kid, but because _I_ made it. The kid, the mistake, whatever you want to call it, I would have made that. I know that happens sometimes, even if you're safe it happens. I didn't need a mother or a father to tell me that. I know because I didn't get either of them."

"I was leaving you with Liz-"

"You two literally got married when you were both too high to know what happened! I saw the marriage certificate, you can't tell me two sober people would sign it like that. You got married on drugs and you probably made me on drugs and you thought... what? That she would just stop because I came along?"

"It's easy to say you'll be there when you aren't in that position-"

"Jimmy," He grounds out, has to because the name tastes bitter in his mouth, "Don't tell me about what I _might_ do if I was in your situation. You thought she'd stop when she gave birth? You thought _Liz_ would quit just like that?"

Jimmy sighs, stands up and leans against the porch, "We both quit when the doctor said you were pregnant. We relapsed a few times, but every check-up you were always okay and we always swore it was the last time. When you were born, I was four months sober. Liz was three and she seemed okay." He's silent for another moment but Jess can't look at him, not even when Jimmy continues, "I did leave just to get diapers. I swear. My old man was with Liz and they were talking about nursery paint colors or something. I got all the way to the store and... I don't know what happened. I just kept walking."

Jess nods, even though Jimmy isn't facing him but looking out over the neighborhood of identical houses surrounding them. Jimmy turns when Jess has made it to the door and he looks kind of desperate, but only because Jess doesn't want to call him pathetic. 

"I still have the tag." He says, voice a little wobbly but it doesn't do anything to Jess. He's heard that voice too many times on Liz and it doesn't matter that it's a new face, it makes his teeth grind all the same, "The one they give the parents at the hospital. It said your name and your birthday, and Liz's name. I kept it on, after I left, until it started ripping. It's upstairs. I couldn't bring myself to throw it out."

It's a last-ditch attempt and they both know it. Jess grips the door handle in his left hand, book in his right, tries to figure out where he'd gotten his love for books because it sure wasn't Liz or Jimmy. Lily got it from Sasha, he's been told, but Lily has at least one parent she can track it back to. Jess has two near-strangers that gave him bits of their DNA to make up his own, but no traits from either of them. 

"You know this isn't going to work, right?"

He knows it's not going to last, and Jess isn't disappointed when he was proven right a few weeks later. 

* * *

Rory's a little bummed to be back in Stars Hollow after three weeks in Europe, but ultimately happy to not need a map to find the nearest sandwich. She's a little more tanned than when she left (but you can barely notice when she stands next to her mother, who'd lathered herself with tanning oil in Spain and Italy knowing it would last all the way back to Connecticut) and a hell of a lot more knowing than when she left. 

She drops her bags right at Dean's gates and after she knocks at the door makes sure to stand at the bottom of the porch steps. It might make it look like she's putting space between them so she can have a running head start should she need it, but she doesn't care. She might be. She doesn't know.

Carla's the one to answer the door and starts squealing about some fair at her school but Dean pushes her back into the house quickly and shuts the door between them and Carla. 

"Rory."

"Dean," Rory nods a little and she really has to arch her neck up to see him properly now that he's four steps plus a few feet of height above her.

"Did you just get back?"

"Yeah, I came to say-"

"I'm the first one you're seeing?"

"Dean!" It's a little snappy and she kind of feels bad, but she needs to get this out. She's chosen Jess, chosen Hemingway and _The Old Man on The Sea_ and she needs him to know, in his own language, that that's her choice. She'd never seen the options before, didn't know they were there, but she'd seen them in that London bookstore and just knew that Jess was the only answer. And, on the flight back home from Belgium, she came to the conclusion that even if Dean was the right answer - the one she was going to spend the rest of her life with - she'd still choose more time with Jess. 

"Rory, if this is going to be about him that I-"

He can't even say his name and it kind of pisses Rory off. She thinks back to all the bad moments - _14 missed voicemails, the Donna Show, "you don't get pregnant saying I love you"_ \- and it only builds.

"I need to say it," Rory says, carries on talking before he can open his mouth, "You got to say everything when you walked away. Let me talk now before I leave."

He doesn't speak, just sits on the porch, and nods, but he doesn't look at her.

"We were never going to last," Rory breathes a little clearer now and finds herself smiling despite the words coming from her mouth, "It didn't matter how long we tricked ourselves, it wouldn't last. We were great, and then we weren't. Neither one of us was right for each other. Jess is... I love him, Dean, and I'm sorry I couldn't say it you but I _can_ with him and if that doesn't tell you what you need to know, then I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do for you."

"It was always going to be him, wasn't it? Even after the accident?"

"I figured it out before the accident," Rory shrugs, takes a step back from Dean, from their past relationship and from all the trouble she's been carrying on her shoulders ever since, "Thanks. For being great whilst we were working. But we're not anymore."

Dean doesn't look at her and she walks away with more of a bounce in her step than she had when she stepped off the plane.

* * *

Jimmy's mad at him, but Jess finds he really doesn't care. It's kind of like living with Liz, you're two people under the same roof but so far apart from each other, you might as well be in separate continents. The only difference is Sasha and Lily. Sasha ruffles his hair, kisses his forehead, talks to him; it's almost as if Jess had always been around. She's been great, and he knows she could have easily followed in Jimmy's footsteps and pretended Jess didn't exist, but she hadn't - she'd reminded Jimmy constantly that New York wasn't just a fever dream, that he'd left his son behind barely twenty-four hours after his birth, that _this_ is his time to fix it and he's screwing it up all over again. 

Lily's great, too. In the three and a half weeks that Jess has been here, they've gotten past the initial awkwardness pretty quickly, and he'd managed to convince her to pick up a Hemingway once in a while too. He'd picked her up from school once and drove around LA with her for a few hours, and he thinks he can get used to her if he stuck around.

The only thing is, he doesn't want to stick around. He'll miss Sasha and Lily, he's sure of it, but if he misses them that much he'll phone.

The girls are away right now. Lily has Girl Scouts and Sasha's supervising or whatever, and Jimmy's so mad at Jess right now that his face is red and there's a vein in his neck. It's not as funny as it is with Luke, but Jess also takes Luke more seriously than he'll ever take Jimmy. 

"You're just going?"

"Yeah." It's all he deems him with, carries on shoving his clothes into his bag. Jess knew he couldn't handle a long time in Venice, and three-and-a-half weeks is already three-and-a-half weeks too long. 

Jess doesn't regret coming down. He just regrets the small glimmer of hope he had. 

"Back there?"

"Yep."

"You don't have to," He's trying to stay calm even though he's doing a great impression of a stop sign and Jess only shrugs. "Jess, come on-"

"You want me to stay?" Jess spins round, bag on his shoulder, car keys in hand, "What, is me leaving too much to handle? Is it going to ruin your life? You going to grow up wondering 'when's my son coming home'? Get a grip."

"Jess, we've discussed this-"

"No! _You_ made some bullshit excuse. I didn't come here for you, Jimmy, I came here for _me_ and now I'm done. Even you had to know I wasn't going to move in any time soon."

Driving down the highway just past Arlington Heights, Jess grips the wheel so hard his knuckles turn white and begin to hurt. It's an anticlimactic end like it was with Liz and it kind of sucks. Ten-year-old Jess had plans for the moment he got to walk away from both of them. It would be a big deal and explosive and they'd feel _guilty_. He questions, now, how long it took Liz to notice he'd left, and how many minutes it took her to get over it because she never even called. He knows Jimmy will get over it even sooner. He'd had three weeks with him, still doesn't even know that Jess's favorite color is green, doesn't even know what his own son's _middle name_ is for god's sake. 

He knows, once he's out of California and gunning it through Arizona, that it's for the best. It's for the best that both of the people that brought him into the world have nothing to tie him down with. He gets to choose the people in his life now, gets a clean slate, _finally._

He calls Luke halfway through Oklahoma and just tells him he's coming back. He hadn't given anyone dates or anything for when he'd come back, so Luke isn't surprised at the information but tells him to call once he gets into Connecticut so he knows when to expect him. 

"Want me to tell Rory?"

"Sure," The clerk at the gas station is looking at him through the back office door because Jess isn't actually supposed to be in there but paid the guy fifteen bucks to let him make two phone calls. "I'll phone at New Haven or something."

They hang up and Jess quickly phones Sasha's cell. It's like six in the morning on a Saturday at this point, so when she doesn't answer he presumes she's just asleep. He leaves a short message for her, just a standard apology for up and ditching like that, but that Luke's number is in one of the books he'd left with Lily if they ever want to get in touch. He'd mentioned to Sasha, once, that he wanted to do the Kerouac trip once Rory was in college, and she knows that it ends in California. He says down the phone that, if they'd like, he'll phone ahead once he's back and he'll take Lily for a few hours or something if she wanted another one of those 'kid-free' night outs. 

He finds a 7/11 in New Haven two days later and the girl working the counter shows him the phone with a flirty wink that he shrugs off. He phones up Rory, mainly because the phone is essentially taped to the cash register and the girl next to him might as well be trying to tape herself to Jess's side, but also because Rory was busy this whole week with college prep and he misses her voice.

"Hello?" It's seven in the morning, she's clearly just woken up. 

"Ror?"

"Jess?"

"Hey, I'm in New Haven. Think you can get dressed in forty minutes and meet me outside Luke's?"

"I might need forty-two."

"Typical girl," He teases and tries to turn away from the girl next to him just slightly, "Your week been busy?"

"Just linen shopping and pencil shopping and binder shopping."

"So you're on cloud nine, huh?"

"Oh yeah, forty minutes?"

"I'm practically there already, I love you."

"I love you too."

He hands the 7/11 girl the phone back, buys a can of RedBull mainly because he's just been driving for close to four straight days and he's tired, but also because this girl looks pissed now that it's clear Jess wasn't interested in the flirty wink from before and annoyed she'd broken the no-phones-for-the-customers rule on him. 

Rory's leaning up against the diner window when he pulls up beside her, and he's not even out the door properly before she flings her arms around him. She's putty in his hands when he steps them away from the car door to close it, then lean against it, but steps closer when he finally wraps his arms around her.

"I missed you," Rory sighs into his neck and it's brilliant and chilling. Jess buries his nose into her shoulder and lets out a heaving breath. She's changed her perfume, most likely something she picked up in Europe, and her hands are softer than he remembered them being. Stars Hollow hasn't properly woken up yet, so it's easy to ignore the few people walking sluggishly past them when he leans forward to kiss her.

"I missed you more."

* * *

Jess isn't making a big deal about Rory leaving and she's never been more glad to have him in her corner. Everyone else in town has made banners and cakes and might as well set off fireworks in the shape of her face, and she gets it. She does. It's always been a given that she'd go to an Ivy League college, but now that move-in day's finally approached everyone's been acting like it's brand new information and it's just so _tiring_. 

She wakes up curled around Jess at five in the morning because she's not moved in yet and Jess still has to sneak in and out every night. He's not coming with her, because she has her own car to drive up and Lorelai's suckered Luke into helping drag her mattress all the way up there, too, so someone needs to keep an eye on the diner whilst they're gone. He gets off just before closing, though, and Rory's already convinced him to give her a bag of his clothes to take up with her so he can join her that night. 

Paris wants to go to one of the mixers tonight, but it's for pre-med and Rory at least wants one person there who won't ditch her the second microscopes get bought up. Plus, Jess has the next two days off and knows a few places in New Haven already, so she can kill two birds with one stone by getting to know the town and spending time with her boyfriend.

"You ready?" Jess mumbles between her shoulder blades.

Rory carries on playing with the ring on his finger and lets out a tired little sigh, "As I'll ever be. Where'd this come from?"

"Hm?" 

"The ring," Rory clarifies as Jess shuffles further up the bed. His stubble scratches a little at her shoulder when he rests his chin there, but his fingers catch hers and he kisses them quickly and it distracts Rory for a moment. 

"Luke gave it to me when I was a kid. I think he said it used to be his grandfather's, I don't know."

"Family heirloom?" She thinks back to how he didn't like it when she called time with Jimmy 'family-time', and smiles when she feels his cheeks curve around his own smile now.

"I guess," He sighs heavily as he maneuvers them to lay on his back, Rory hovered over him with her hands on his cheeks, "How long 'till your mom's back?"

Lorelai had gone to get Luke's truck earlier than agreed upon, but Luke would definitely be up by now arguing with her over it. 

"Around thirty minutes if she wants a coffee."

"Perfect, come here." 

"Jess," She laughs and he huffs out a chuckle with his hand halfway up her shirt. It's the first time they've really been _alone_ (no mom or Luke or _Taylor_ ) and it's also the last time she'll be in this room for a couple of weeks as she gets used to Yale, New Haven, everything, "You'll see me tonight."

"Yes, but Paris will be there," He slides her shirt over her head without much trouble, starts working on getting her shorts down her legs which she helps him with despite her previous words, "Lock on the door or not, she'll _talk_."

"An excellent point."

"Mhm, I thought so," He grins at her and he's still grinning when she rids him of his own shirt. 

Jess only has one shoe on when they hear Lorelai barge through the front door and Rory seriously considers asking for an inhaler because it's a little too funny trying to push him out of the window before her mother comes into the room. 

They pack up the truck in a way they know will piss off Luke, with the help of Morey with the heavier boxes, and watching Luke's neck vein pop out when he spots the mess is so worth it. They'd purposely gotten to the diner earlier just to see it, and also because he'd want to completely rearrange it.

Rory leaves her mother and Luke to bicker about it and rushes up the stairs to Luke's apartment before Reverand Nichols could spot her. It's not that she doesn't want to talk to anyone in town today, it's just that everyone in town has _already_ talked to her about college this week and she'd rather not talk to them about it again until she's back from her first week _at least_. 

"Jess?"

"In here."

She pauses in the bathroom door and watches him for a moment. He's shaving, chin tilted up the ceiling to get the stubble under his jaw. The light from the window plays with the counters of his face and the muscles in his arms move with every drag of the razor across his skin. 

"You done staring?"

"Would you like me to take a picture instead?"

He snorts and squeezes her hip when she sits on the counter beside the sink, "You have enough pictures of me already."

She's given the job of manning the washcloth and wipes any water running down his skin once he's done shaving, but her eyes spot that scar in the v of his hips once again when he reaches over her to put away the razor.

"It was the accident," Jess sighs, kisses her temple with his hand on the side of her neck, "The one with Liz. They had to operate because part of my femur chipped off and they had to get it out before it traveled and caused more damage."

"This one?" She brushes her thumb over the scar on his top lip, the one that hurts him sometimes and makes his smile crooked.

"Dead nerves. Born with it. The dentist cut me by accident because he didn't know I couldn't open my mouth that wide when I was younger."

"This one?" There's one on his eyebrow, which gives him a little gap in the hairs there.

"Fell off a swing."

She swipes her finger right under his ear, to the paper-thin scar there, "Jackson Comet, fifth grade, threw a textbook across the room and it hit me."

The one on the back of his hand, right between two knuckles, "PE. Ninth grade. Football."

The one just underneath the sleeve of his tee-shirt, "Jackson Comet again, don't actually know."

The one on his hairline and he gulps before he answers, "Our accident. Didn't even hurt. I had no idea it was even there until after you'd already left New York."

They make out on his bed until Lorelai stomps up the stairs louder than necessary, but it gives them time to spring apart just before Lorelai pokes her head around the door, "Say, goodbye kids. Rory, we gotta go, hun."

Jess stands with Miss Patty at the diner's door and waves goodbye as they drive off.

* * *

He leaves Stars Hollow three months after Rory's settled into college. He's spent roughly every weekend in those three months visiting Rory and it's at the point where all of her roommates know him. They're all too friendly, want to sit on the couch with him, and talk when he just wants a cigarette at three in the morning but doesn't want to wake up Rory, and the only one he doesn't need to pretend to get along with is Paris. 

Jess knows Rory is sometimes worried that he and Paris don't get along, but Jess considers Paris to be one of his fee close friends and he knows Paris won't admit it to his face, but that she returns the sentiment. 

He leaves Stars Hollow on a Thursday night, just five minutes after his last shift at the diner. He's promised Luke he'd come back and work at the diner on holidays when Lane and Ceaser have time off, and that he'll phone in each new state he ends up in, and he won't be a stranger. 

Rory's waiting for him right outside the Yale gates so they can grab a late dinner together. It ends up being just them aiming fries at each other in the backseat before he drives her back. Jess hadn't planned to go back to her dorm with her, had planned on just heading straight out onto the road and not finding a place to sleep until the sun came up, but Rory asks him to come with her and he can't deny the girl anything, apparently. 

(He bought a _cell phone_ so that she could text and he could call when he wasn't driving; all because Rory had a speech about how some hotels don't have phones in their rooms and not every 7/11 clerk, will let him slide on just his good looks alone. Rory puts her number in the phone as he plays with her hair, sets herself as speed dial two and Luke as speed dial one. She also punches in Lorelai's number.)

"She gets it," Rory says suddenly, an hour so later when she playing with his fingers and he's curled against her back, his forehead between her shoulder blades and his free hand laying flat on her stomach. 

"Who gets what?" He mumbles, peeling his eyes open because Rory's tense in his arms, and he knows this is something she wants him to actually believe. 

"My mom," Rory's gone a little quiet as if mentioning her mother right now (when she's naked against him and they're spending the last few hours before he disappears to wherever the roads lead) is ruining the moment, "My mom gets it."

"Gets what?"

"That you're worth it."

She melts back into him when he kisses the dip of her spine between her shoulders and pulls her in closer, "G'night Ror."

Rory cries the next morning, and Jess only teases her about it because if he doesn't then he's just going to get upset too. It's kind of funny, for Jess at least, that the prim and proper Rory Gilmore he met six months ago has completely gone now. The Rory in front of him stands just outside the door, wind from the streets making goosebumps on her legs because she's only in her underwear and one of Jess's shirts (the Metallica one, because Jess wasn't paying attention when she stole it from his bag last night and, besides, it looks good on her anyway), and this Rory isn't ashamed in the slightest when someone bounds down the stairs opposite the door and gives her a second glance. 

She pulls him into her, caging her body between his and the door frame, and Jess's head spins at the kiss she plants on him. It's only eight - Jess wants to leave before classes start and he has to listen to college students argue over subjects they think they know, and so that Rory can get ready for her classes that day - so there are not too many people lingering in this corridor, and Jess bunches up the tee-shirt a little, but not enough to accidentally give anyone a peek at Rory's underwear.

Her roommate - Tammi or Tanna or Tarna or something, Jess wasn't really listening and it's just rude at this point - wolf whistles as she crosses their room to get to the bathroom, sends Jess a knowing wink that she definitely heard everything last night, and _that_ makes Rory blush just a little. 

"Drive safe."

"I will. Go kick some ass."

"I love you," She whispers into his mouth. No 'call me', no 'text me'. She already knows he will.

"I love you more."

Jess stops right at the Connecticut sign and leans against his car as he smokes. When he'd first gotten here after Liz had shipped him off, he'd purposefully got off the bus at this point, walked across the border as some stupid act of control, and he'd lent against a tree smoking and watching the sign. Not this one. He's driving into Massachusetts now so the sign's less damaged from New Yorkers traveling across the state border, but it kind of feels the same. He stops right outside of the border, just as he enters Longmeadow, and texts Rory, _fi_ _nally escaped, tell Paris she'd left her underwear in the_ _window_ because he's a jerk, but he tacks on a 'love you' immediately afterward. 

He doesn't get a text back until he's in Manchester, New Hampshire, because she's had class and he's not looked at his phone in the two hours it took to drive to possibly the world's worst cup of coffee in his hand. 

_Drive safe, I love you x_

It's all he gets for another day, but when he phones her the next morning and puts her on speaker so he can still drive and not freak her out, he can practically hear the smile on her face.

* * *

Rory can't remember the last time she'd been so excited, which is a little sad if she really thinks about it. It had been tough, her first year of college, but tougher when she came back to Stars Hollow for the summer and everyone wanted to know what college was like, what _Yale_ was like, and what Jess was doing and where he is now. It was hard to answer those questions because Jess wasn't there at all, and Rory still doesn't fully understand what his job entails or what exact part of Philadelphia he's in but it's within driving distance and that's all that matters. 

She's not gotten to see her boyfriend in six months, which really sucks, but her GPS tells her she's only five minutes away and Rory's suddenly nervous. 

Jess had driven around for five months, lived on diner food and out of a duffel bag, but he'd made time to call Rory all the time, visit when he got bored on the road, sent her postcards of the states he was in and books he knows she hasn't read yet. He'd sent her a German copy of _The Fountainhead_ he'd found in Texas to make up for the French copy of _On The Road_ she'd gotten him last summer because Rory thinks the German language just always sounds unnecessarily angry. She has a whole shoebox of stuff Jess has sent her, only because she'd had to pack them up when she moved out of her college dorm and she didn't want them muddled up with everything else she owns. She's tacked the postcards to her pinboard in her new dorm, though, with space for one from Philadelphia that he's not sent her yet but she can collect _in person_. 

Seven months ago he'd phoned Rory and told her he'd ran into two guys, Chris and Matthew, in some bookstore and they'd hit it off. That they ran a publishing press and sure, it's only small, five guys working in one tiny building and three of them (including Jess) living upstairs, but he _likes_ these guys and _likes_ the work so he's fine to 'slum it'. Rory was surprised when he said it seemed pretty permanent, but she's just thankful that his 'pretty permanent' is only three hours away from her 'pretty permanent'. And he sounds happy, in his phone calls and his letters, so Rory's ready to support it all.

The last time he'd been in Stars Hollow, it was News Years. Six and a half months ago. They'd sat on the hood of his car and shared popcorn between them whilst watching Taylor struggle at setting up fireworks, they had made out in a dark corner when the clock struck midnight and he'd snuck back into her bedroom window even though Lorelai knew he was going to spend the night anyway. He had been the perfect gentleman to her grandparents, despite the snarky comments under his breath, and helped Luke around the diner for two weeks. It felt good, having him back, even if it was for such a short time. 

His phone calls were amazing each time, but it always dug a little deeper into her gut that he was so far away each time. It would get harder and harder each time she dialed his number or saw his name flash up on the screen, especially when'd put a little 'x' on her map where he is and calculate how many miles were between them. 

There's no use for the map now. The last cross she'd put there was right over Philadelphia and she's not had to even look at it in six months. The 208.4 miles, three hours and nineteen minutes, between Stars Hollow and Philly, is next to nothing compared to the 1,432 miles the month before Jess found Truncheon. 

Truncheon Books is settled in Locust Street, so Rory has to park by Rittenhouse Square and walk two blocks, but she doesn't mind. The outside is oddly fitting for Jess, which is only odd because Rory knows this building was already standing and occupied long before Jess heard about it. It's tucked right between an Irish pub and a CVS, looks a little gloomy next to the LED lights in CVS's window, but the books stacked on the windowsill and the newspaper on the doorstep makes it look homely. She picks up the paper as she walks in, mainly because she's not sure if anyone actually wants to read it, but also because it might be considered littering if she doesn't. 

There's a bell on the door but the piece inside is missing so nothing happens but a dull echo when the door shuts behind Rory, but the click of the door signals the two guys sitting at one desk to look up. They both look tired and Rory's not surprised, considering it's eight in the evening and it's already close to dark in here, so much so it kind of makes her want to curl up on the futon in the corner and fall asleep.

She's not had a chance to open her mouth before one of the guys at the desk starts speaking, "We're not taking commissions right now."

"Chris!" The other guy slaps his shoulder, doesn't correct him though, "That's not how you talk to potential clients." He turns to Rory and offers her a 'what-can-you-do' kind of shrug before thrusting a pad of post-its and a pencil across the desk, "If you leave your name and number we'll get back to you once we've finished with those," He gestures to a pile of manuscripts. At first glance, she thinks they're stacked on the table, but then she realizes they aren't, they're stacked on the floor and just gained height. 

The first guy kind of snorts at Rory's dumbstruck reaction, "Only three of them are going to be worth publishing."

"I'm not here for a commission or anything," Rory shakes her head to clear her thoughts, "Is Jess here?"

"He's not working today."

"But he's here?"

"He has a girlfriend."

She feels dumbstruck again, thinks her face shows it, "I know." Is all she can say and it makes her feel dumb. She's in her second year of _Yale_ for Christ's sake and she can barely get two words out.

"I can get him but he's grumpy around pretty girls." The second guy says, and it turns out his version of 'getting him' was just yelling his name up the stairs to his left. 

"So," First guy rounds the desk to lean against it, arms crossed, all professional-like if Rory ignores the Led Zeppelin shirt under his blazer and the hole in his jeans, "You a writer?"

"No. I'm studying to be a journalist."

"Where?"

"Yale."

"No art?"

"Not unless you want a disfigured stick-man next to that," She jerks her head to the painting on the wall behind him, which she doesn't fully understand because it's just circles and squares overlapping each other.

"Would save us people asking what those things are," First guy grunts, drops into the desk chair, and sighs, "You're seriously not trying to sell anything?"

"Nope."

"You're really just here for _Jess_?" Second guy. 

"Yeah."

"He _still_ has a girlfriend-" First guy's interrupted by Jess on the stairs.

"Rory?"

"Hey," She blinks and he's already down the rest of the steps and hurling her into his arms.

"You should have called, I would have met you outside," He mumbles against her mouth, and it's the first time he's kissed her in six months so she's trying so hard to ignore the two guys gawking at them. She ends up having to pull away because it's getting a little awkward knowing the two sets of eyes watching.

"Want to introduce me to your friends?" She whispers and Jess kind of groans a little but turns her to lean against his chest and face the guys at the same time, "Chris, Matthew, this is Rory. Rory, Chris, and Matthew."

"Hi," She finally gets to say.

"This is your girlfriend?"

"It's what I've been told." Jess shrugs and Rory scoffs like _he_ wasn't the one to call her his girlfriend first. "Why, what did you say?"

"You get grumpy around pretty girls, apparently." Rory teased.

"Shut up and get upstairs."

"See, grumpy!"

Apparently Jess _has_ been working today, but just camped out in his room instead of dealing with the inevitable musty smell of stuffy rooms and ink and _boys_. He doesn't really give Rory a chance to look around his room, just gently pushes her on the bed, and gives her the proper kind of kiss she's been craving but couldn't get because of Matthew and Chris. 

"Hi," He rasps out once he's satisfied.

"Hi," Rory giggles and pulls him in for a hug. He's keeping her crushed to the bed and it's a little suffocating but she doesn't mind so much because she's _here_ now and he's _here,_ "I love you."

"I love you too," He pushes himself up, "Stay right there. I have a surprise."

He leaves and Rory can hear him thunder down the stairs again. She takes a look around his room now that he's gone, and it reminds her so much of his room in New York from a year and a half ago. There are books stacked everywhere, some his own copies, and some (much smaller in thickness) with the Truncheon logo at the bottom of the spine. He has pens scattered around in random places, and an actual _desk_ with a computer and a lamp and some of those manuscripts from downstairs with his handwriting slashed across the pages. 

He has a wallet on his nightstand, right next to another lamp and the book he must be reading right now, and the pictures of Rory from New York (and some in Yale, or in his car, in the diner, one of Jess tucked between her thighs, back to her chest, right next to Lane and Zach, Paris and Doyle) on the walls around the room. He has a new Metallica shirt draped over his desk chair, a pair of sneakers toppled over close by. She'll steal the shirt, she knows, because the other one's lost all of his scent and it's not the same. 

"Close your eyes!"

"Why?"

"Just close 'em!"

She huffs but follows orders anyway, "They're closed."

The door clicks shut behind him and she's hyper-aware of his footsteps on the wooden floor. She's still laying on his bed, but she's shuffled up to rest her head on the pillows. He lays beside her, but it feels like he's leaning on just one elbow. 

She feels the familiar weight of a book in her hands, and Jess brushes his mouth to her forehead as he whispers, "Okay, open."

"A book!" 

He chuckles and accepts the kiss she gives him, "Yeah, read it out to me?" Rory tucks herself into his side when he lays on his back.

"Like the bridge?" She's smiling at the memory - thinks back to remembering that she wanted to fight away whatever nightmare he had, wanted to keep him asleep because he was so peaceful then, in his small break from the chaos, but she'd also wanted him to wake up, too look her in the eyes and talk about books in his raspy just-woke-up voice that she'd figured out she really liked. They weren't even dating at that point. 

"Yeah, like the bridge."

She revels in the feeling of his body against hers for another beat before readjusting herself. Laying lengthways along the bed, head still on his chest, one of his hands in her hair, she brings the book up so she can read it. 

" _The Subsect, By Je-_ " She stops, sits upright, and turns to him but he laughs before she can get anything out. 

"You wrote a _book_?"

"A short novel."

"You wrote a _book_!"

He looks so _happy_ , and Rory's _happy._

"I knew you had this in you. I _knew_ it."

Apparently, so did he. Right there, in the middle of the dedication page. There's no name but she knows anyway by the way he drops a kiss to the top of her head and squeezes her closer that it's meant for her.

 _I couldn't have done it without you_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a NIGHTMARE to edit - epilogue tomorrow cause it's already written and edited but i want to give y'all some time to digest this monster first


	10. Chapter 10

"Hey," Rory laughs gently as arms wrap around her waist from behind and Jess presses the length of his body against hers. She's trying to wash the dishes - their new place came without a dishwasher and she'd already won the argument about keeping the fireplace so she doesn't want to push her luck and try and convince Jess to fork out even more money.

For now. She'll break him eventually.

Jess hums against her neck, places a kiss there and Rory leans back into it, lets him push her hair out the way, and she sighs as Jess runs his lips down the column of her skin. "Hi," He mumbles briefly before tucking his chin into the spot he just kissed and watches as she washes soap suds off the last plate. When Rory finishes drying her hands she places them above Jess's on her stomach, links their fingers together and she doesn't know who starts it but soon enough they're swaying gently to the music drifting in from the living room. He'd been unpacking a few boxes, mainly cables for the TV and the books they didn't want in the bedroom or office, and had teased Rory about wanting to listen to Bowie but put an album on anyway.

"This is so weird," She mutters now, turns in his arms, and leans her cheek against his chest. 

"What is?" Jess mumbles into her hair, one hand falling to the curve at the bottom of her spine, the other lacing his fingers back into hers at their side. 

Rory takes a moment to breathe and think as he waits. He's grown in the five years since they met. California had been good for him, so had the Kerouac inspired road trip he eventually found time for before Philadelphia, and by the time he had settled in Philly he had grown used to the gym and early mornings runs. Sometimes, Rory misses when they were seventeen and she didn't have to reach too far up to kiss him, and she could reach around his shoulders and link her hands together. Now, he's bulked up and grown taller, and she feels like whenever he hugs her he could snap her if he squeezes too tight. 

But she loves it all the same. Jess is still the source of comfort she craves for whenever he's not around, and sure, he's gained more muscle than when they were teenagers, but he's a little bit softer too, more confident in himself and it shows. 

"We live together," She whispers as an answer and he snorts. 

"We've lived together for two years, Ror."

He still calls her Ror and it still gives off the same reaction in her chest that it did when she was seventeen and heard it for the first time. She sighs, "Yes, but we lived with Chris and Matt. And then Chris and Matt and their revolving girlfriends. And _then-_ "

"Okay," Jess laughs and Rory has to take her cheek off his chest to look at the smile on his face, "We live together _alone_ now."

"Exactly, _alone_."

He kisses her slow and deep, right against the counter, and the back of her shirt gets wet from where water sprayed off the plates when she did the dishes but she doesn't care. She makes them some coffee when he disappears a few minutes later, but he likes his coffee a little on the cold side so she gets busy drying the newly washed dishes and finding a home for them in the cupboards. 

There's a moment, when she's done, where she sits at the kitchen island and has to take a breath. The last time she can really remember it ever just being her and Jess, she'd hopped on a four-AM bus to New York without a plan or a map. It had only been four days. Even then, they had Liz for half of it, despite Jess's best efforts of keeping those two lives separate, and memories of an accident and the stress of returning to Stars Hollow to worry about. This time, they don't. They'd survived eight years of Stars Hollow, Yale, _Taylor_ , Lorelai and Luke, Matt and Chris and Liz - survived dealing with judgy real estate agents and Philadelphia house prices for first-time buyers - _skirting board shopping_. They'd lived through Matt's farewell party for them last night, and moving all their boxes when they were too hungover to function early this morning. 

It's been a busy few months, a busy few _years_ if she's being honest, and she'd thought, for a while, that it'd never be just her and Jess again. Rory still loves Stars Hollow and was a little sad when she first moved to Philadelphia four years ago to be closer to Jess, felt like the three-hour drive between her and her mother was neverending, but she'd grown used to it. Learned to make the most of their phone calls every two days and their daily texts, and they'd already planned five trips to visit each other in the next six months. She takes comfort in knowing that she and Jess will be on the road the day after tomorrow, heading for Stars Hollow once again. 

A quick glance around their kitchen ( _their_ kitchen) grounds her. The walls need decorating and the boxes of plates, bags of groceries, need to be unpacked and put away, but the flowers from her grandparents sit brightly on the counter in the midst of it all. There had been a note ( _'welcome home'_ ) but it's buried under mortgage papers and paint samples. 

It's chaotic and messy and the rest of the house is exactly the same, but it's _there's_. Twenty-six-year-old Rory might sometimes wish they were both still seventeen and Jess was sneaking in through her window at midnight, but twenty-six-year-old Rory is also grateful they even made it this far. 

She thinks back to painkillers every night for three weeks, trying to hold in tears when Jess told her about Liz - arguing with Lorelai that _he's worth it_. 

Thinks back to those four years of Yale. Of not seeing Jess for a few months at a time and convincing each other that their phone calls were enough, for now, and they'll be glad they stuck it out when Rory graduates and they navigate the rest of their lives together. 

Thinks back to those four hours where they had broken up, right in the middle of her second year of college, a month into his time in Truncheon;

*

_He's worth it. That hasn't changed in the year and a half that they've been together, but it doesn't stop the fact that it aches so much every time they have to hang up. Rory doesn't think he gets it. For fifteen months he was the one traveling, having new places and faces to distract him everywhere he went, and now he has Philadelphia and a new job and a new purpose, new friends who Rory already likes from the stories except for that one Hannah girl who Jess doesn't realize obviously wants to sleep with him._

_Rory has Yale. She has four walls and two roommates who both liked Jess and were sad to hear they had broken it off, tried to pretend that they were supportive of the decision anyway. She has a bed that Jess has slept in, made love to her in, whispered into her ear that they'll make it work because they always do._

_Rory has Stars Hollow. She has a town that had once been in her corner the entire duration of their relationship, who had turned their backs to Jess before he even ruined that first time but have since grown used to him. She has a town that now (kind of) understands why he acted that way the first time around, always asks about him now, and wants to know how Philadelphia is and how his road trip went and how their relationship is because they're just so_ cute _together._

 _Jess has an entire city that has no connections to their relationship or Stars Hollow or_ Rory _and that's why he doesn't get it when Rory gets so upset when he says he might not be able to visit. She's not seen him in four months, had to spend Christmas away which she understood but now it's New Years and he'd promised he'd be right there in Luke's when Rory showed up but he had to cancel._

_It's two days until the New Year begins and Paris and Tanna drag her out to some mock-years party for everyone going away before the actual day. Tanna disappears when her date arrives and Rory has to physically push Paris into Doyle's direction because Paris is also heading to Hartford for New Years but she still wants to kiss him at midnight. So Rory is left alone right at the bar nursing the same drink she'd been handed within minutes of stepping into the party and its kind of dull. Everyone's partnered off and she's the loner that will be downing her drink at midnight instead of making out._

_She had thought this would be a good idea. Jess has never been to a Yale party so, sure, the campus reminds Rory of lazing around in the courtyard as they read together, but this specific room, this specific party, is neutral ground. It doesn't stop her from thinking about him though. There's a guy opposite the room with Jess's hairstyle and a girl's wearing what's clearly the guy's leather jacket, and it looks so much like the one that Jess fell in love with and refused to not wear for three months straight._

_"Contain the excitement, Ace, someone might think you're having_ too _much fun."_

_Logan. She'd met him through Marty a few months back and Jess hates the guy but Rory doesn't think he's as big of a jerk as he used to be. He is to Jess, purposely brags, and tries to outshine him, and it pisses Rory off until a few days later when Logan turns kind of sweet again. She knows it's basically the Dean-Jess situation all over again, and that Jess hates it because he's Dean in this case but the only difference is they're dating this time around._

_"What's got you down in the dumps then? That boyfriend not causing you any trouble?"_

_She doesn't mention that they're broken up now. It's only been three hours since Jess had asked her down the phone if that was what she wanted ("Don't do this. I don't want to do this fighting thing anymore, Ror. I love you, you know that, but only say yes if you know you don't want to be with me.") and she had said she did ("I love you, Jess, but you have to admit... it's different.") - so it's only been two hours and fifty-nine minutes since she's regretted phoning him in the first place. Because she doesn't want to break up. They'd fought so hard for each other in the beginning, overcame so much at seventeen, and now when they're nineteen, it's like they're writing themselves a completely different ending than the one they'd previously been developing._

_"Just not in the party mood," Is what she ends up saying and it's not even a lie. Logan leans against the bar next to her and surveys the crowd too._

_She doesn't know why he's here. Logan (and his gang on the other side of the room) are two years older than everyone else here, and New Haven has better bars they could be drinking in, legally. Rory also knows that some of Logan's friends have gone to New York for the New Year, and she's surprised he didn't jump at the chance to go and blow some cash in the Big Apple with them. Except, of course, that this student bar is very clearly ignoring the 21-and-over law and Logan isn't the type to want to stick to places that follow the law. He can sniff out anything even remotely illegal (such as this entire party) and he'd be the last person there._

_"So... you going back home for the big night?"_

_"That's the plan."_

_"He gonna be there?"_

_"No."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why are you so interested?" She feels like she's traveled back in time where she's trying to get Dean to understand that she doesn't want to get back together with him because she just doesn't_ want _to, but he's insisting it's because of Jess. She's thinking back to Lorelai asking 'just_ why _him_ _?' and Miss Patty saying that 'sure, Jess is incredibly easy on the eyes but a headache in the mind, Rory-dear'._

 _S_ _he's thinking that this moment is the first time since Jess had dropped Kerouac on the floor of Luke's diner a year and a half ago, where Rory has nothing tying her to defend him._

_Logan seems to have taken her tone as flirty because he shuffles a little closer and looks at her through half-hooded eyes. She knows this move. He'd tried this move on her already, shown her it works on every other girl he tries it on. Now, he's trying it again._

_"Would just be a shame if you didn't even get to kiss anyone on New Years'."_

_She says, a little dumbly, "It's the twenty-ninth." She doesn't want to kiss Logan, as good looking as he might be, because she's_ just _broken up with her boyfriend and has spent the entire time since trying not to cry into her drink. She misses Jess and it's a little pathetic, honestly, how much it hurts even though it was her choice. When Tanna had broken up with her boyfriend last year Rory had witnessed the entire downward spiral. She remembers that Tanna had gone and partied, didn't let it sink in that she was single until a week later when Jess came to visit. Rory wonders why she doesn't get a week for a spiral. Why she was only given precisely six seconds before she was crying._

_"I know that," Logan rolls his eyes, maybe teasing but Rory's not in the mood to figure out if it is not, "But if he's not going to be there on the day..."_

_When he flirts, Rory's found, he'll drift off the end of a sentence. She knows he expects the girls to finish it off, make them think it was_ their _idea to kiss at midnight or go back to his apartment or whatever._

_"I'll live," Is what Rory says instead._

_She's not in the mood. For the party. For mock-years. For a midnight kiss on the_ twenty-ninth _. For the New Year in two days. For any of it._

_She doesn't bother to finish her drink, just passes it off to Logan because she's barely taken a sip and she knows he'll find some leggy blonde that he'll have better luck with tonight. Tanna had insisted when they left their dorm that none of them would need jackets. They'd let the alcohol warm them up and their dates (Mike for Tanna, Doyle for Paris, whoever Rory wanted to rebound with - even though she made it clear she didn't want one) would be gentlemen and let the girls have theirs._

_Rory regrets entertaining Tanna's decision now. It's cold and her dorm is on the other side of campus and she didn't drink anything that could warm her up. She'll save the moping for when she's back in her dorm room, blinds drawn, Jess's sweater on, and some crappy movie she can watch as she cries into her ice cream. Moping across the campus would be pointless, especially in the dark, because Rory knows the cold only gets colder when you feel depressed inside._

_It starts to rain just as Rory enters her quad and she feels like crying right there and then because_ of course, _she has to be wearing the thinnest white top in Tanna's wardrobe when it's pouring buckets down. She half-jogs the rest of the way to her corridor and is in the process of trying to dig her keys out of her purse when there's a slam of a car door behind her. Rory drops the keys onto the floor and swears, but then there are fingers already reaching her keys, and the scent of his cologne washes over her._

_Rory's been hit by the rain more than he has, evidently, but she's too focused on the fact that his hair's longer now than the last time she's seen him to notice anything else._

_"Come on, Ror, you're soaked."_

_He unlocks her door and leads her inside her bathroom because she's a little confused right now and can't really control her feet. Jess doesn't say anything else, just runs the hot water through the shower and hands her a towel. She showers as quickly as she can but has to do it all sitting down because she feels a little lightheaded for a moment - wonders if she actually drank too much tonight and just convinced herself she hadn't touched a drop._

_Rory had changed in here before they went out because Paris hadn't trusted her not to look her room door from the inside and refuse to go, so her pajamas are still folded on the lid of the toilet where she'd left them. It's just a pair of her mom's old flannel pants chopped into shorts and Jess's old Metallica shirt that he keeps trying to get back but Rory refuses to part with. She'd ripped it off as she'd changed because she didn't want to think about Jess at that moment, in the process made the hole at the collar slightly bigger and when she puts it back on the fabric at the rip folds over limply._

_He's smoking when she leaves the bathroom. This is familiar; Jess sitting on the windowsill, leaning out the open window when he takes a drag and blows smoke out the corner of his mouth. He'd cut back on the cigarettes the further into their relationship they got, and he'd told her two weeks ago that he only ever smokes now when he's stressed._

_He looks stressed. His shoulders are tense and his jaw is tight. The cigarette is only half-finished when he spots her, and it gets flicked out the window promptly before he stands up._

_"You're away," Rory didn't know she had the words but now she tries to get them out quickly before she loses them, "A lot. You're away a lot and I understand it but... it's so_ hard _, Jess. I know I wanted all of this," She gestures around the room, means Yale and guesses he knows, "But I wanted this, too," Gestures between them, hopes he knows, "But I didn't realize it would be this hard. You get to drive away and you don't know what happens here unless I tell you and... it sucks. I don't want it to suck anymore, Jess, but I didn't mean it. I don't want this to end."_

_"She kissed me," It feels like she's stepped back out into the punishing rain outside, but there's something in Jess's eyes that makes it a little easier to take, "Hannah. She kissed me. There's a pub right next to the shop and after our call, Chris dragged me over. She was there with some friends and - I don't know what happened or who told her but she bought it up and then kissed me."_

_"Okay," It comes out shakey and he looks mad, all of a sudden, that that's the only word she can formulate right now._

_"Rory-"_

_"No," She cuts him off, really wishes she wasn't wearing his shirt right now or that the scent of him wasn't radiating around the room, "You don't get to be mad at me for not wanting to ask if you kissed her back. You don't get to be mad when_ you _were the one to bring up breaking up in the first place, Jess, it's not fair. On either of us and especially not on me."_

_"I didn't want to break up-"_

_"Then why bring it up!"_

_"Because!" He takes a step towards her and her entire body craves for him to touch her but also for her to take a step back. She can go as far as the bathroom door, three paces behind her, but she keeps her ground as he talks, "You were upset that I couldn't be in Stars Hollow and you were upset that I'm constantly away and the only thing I could think about was that it would be so much easier if... if we broke up, Ror, we wouldn't have to think in terms of miles anymore. That's how we've done this for so long, how many miles we have to drive to see each other, to Yale or to Stars Hollow or when we met in Rhode Island that one time and... it was the easy option."_

_"I thought we were done with the easy options," She points out, "After New York. You said running away was the easy option. Why are you_ still _running away?"_

_He sighs and she melts into him when he wraps his arms around her. She hugs his shoulders and balls the back of his tee-shirt into her fists, tries not to cry but knows she's not that far away from it._

_"You've already run away from me before," Rory whispers into his shoulder, feels him slacken his tense muscles, and press a kiss to her jaw, "Please stop running away from me."_

_"I didn't kiss her back," He whispers it directly into her ear, "She got angry when I pushed her away but I was basically already in my car coming right here."_

_"We're done with the easy options?"_

_"Easy's so boring, anyway."_

*

Bowie's stopped playing now and she can hear a few thuds from the bedroom as Jess puts boxes down, so she picks up their coffees and sidesteps around the maze of boxes throughout the house. Rory had fallen in love with this house the first moment they'd stepped inside it. It was old-fashioned outside but modern and bright inside; a little out of their budget because they're right outside of Chestnut Hill and it's going to be pricey, but her grandparents had insisted on paying the down payment and after that, it wasn't so daunting. 

Jess had seemed pretty happy with it, but Rory had known that the moment they were shown upstairs that Jess was sold. There was room for them both to have an office each, albeit not the biggest, and they even had a guestroom (Jess had choked on his meal when Emily brought up turning it to a nursery at Friday Night Dinner after that), but the part that had sold him the most was the bedroom. He'd insisted they keep the bookcase the previous owners had built into the wall, just paint it where the color's peeling and Rory was all too happy to let Jess do the heavy lifting and fix up any broken panels. 

It's a little odd, seeing Jess really getting into sprucing up their home, but a good odd. He _wants_ to stay here, wants to make it a home, and Rory loves everything about it. It's a side to him she'd never thought she'd seen and didn't know just how desperate she was to see it until it was in front of her. Lorelai had gifted him with a tool belt as a joke, but she most have forgotten that he lived with Luke for a decent amount of time because that belt got used a lot during the buildup to moving. Whilst Jess fixed broken plaster and wires, Rory had packed up their room above Truncheon and labeled everything; both of them working on their own strengths to not annoy the other. 

Rory had texted her mother a picture when Jess's back was turned, tool belt secured on his waist, and she'd paid for it after Lorelai called Jess Bob the Builder for two straight weeks.

He's tightening the final screw on their bedframe when she enters the bedroom, accepts the coffee with a peck on her lips and they move around each other wordlessly as he heaves the mattress on the frame and she starts putting the pillows into their cases. It feels so much like they're seventeen again, fixing up Jess's new bed in Luke's place that barely fit everything inside. She thinks Jess has made that connection too because when she looks up she catches him smiling softly as he buttons up the comforter in its sheet. 

The bed's finally made and she catches his hand just before they drop back onto it. This bed is so much bigger than the old one in Luke's apartment, so there's no need for their shoulders to bump into each other like they used to. And they don't. Rory rolls onto his chest once she knows he's settled and he catches her mouth in a lazy kiss seconds later. 

"I love you," He breathes out, squeezes her hips when she arches into him. They can say it so easily these days, don't fumble over the words like they used to, but the butterflies are still floating about in Rory's stomach when she hears it. She remembers, only briefly, that she laid awake whilst he slept one day, had spent aching minutes that bled into hours wondering when the butterflies and the teenage romance would die down. When they would slip unconsciously into a settled relationship, would get used to each other. 

She still has yet to find that out. Rory had poured over stories of the two leads building their relationship around them, getting used to each other, being able to read the other like an open book. It had stressed her, for a while, at the beginning, when that didn't happen with Jess. It took her some time to realize he's too complex to read, that she, herself, has too many layers to read as well, and that they'll continue to be a mystery to their partners but in the best kind of way. 

That's so much better than just knowing.

"I love you," She whispers right back, laughs when he flips them over to hover over her and raises a suggestive eyebrow. 

"So..." There's a smirk there that tells her she might as well start working on the buttons of his shirt now, but he still has that gleam in his eyes that he had at seventeen, and it makes her stop short and catch her breath every time. "I have a bed now."

She laughs again because _of course,_ he'd bring up the first time he made a suggestive comment towards her, nearly nine years later in a bed that belongs to both of them now, not just him. 

"Shut up and take off your shirt."

He grins and sits up on her hips to follow her instructions, and Rory's glad she's not seventeen any more now because nine years have done both of them so _good_.

* * *

Jess finds her out front. It's two in the morning and he didn't bother picking up a shirt when he ventured out their bedroom. He doesn't know how long she's been out here, sitting on the front steps with an empty mug of coffee, but the blanket around her shoulders has grown cold when he sits a step above her, traps her middle with his thighs and slides his fingers up her shirt to settle on her stomach. She sighs and leans back into him, keeps her eyes focused across the street. 

Rory speaks a moment later, "You'll get cold."

"You already are," He whispers against her ear. They've been in their own little bubble all day, barely left the comfort of their new home because they had boxes to unpack and furniture to organize. He'd closed the door behind him just minutes before noon that morning, and this is the first time since that he's stepped over the door frame back out. "What are you doing out here?"

"I didn't want the light to wake you," She mumbles and he watches as she closes her eyes, tilts her head back to rest it against his shoulder and he drops a kiss to the exposed stretch of skin. "It feels like Stars Hollow and New York."

She's right. Of course, Rory's right. Jess had been searching for that happy medium since he was eighteen and Rory was settled in college, found it a year and a half later just an hour away from them now. Truncheon was right in the middle of the city and the noise during the day was comforting background music, but it calmed down to a quiet murmur at night. He'd been worried when they first looked at this house that it would be too far west for that same murmur, and sure, it's a little different here, but it's that same comfort anyway. 

"Yeah," He nuzzles his cheek against hers mainly to hear her giggle. He's grown his facial hair out simply because they'd packed everything in the bathroom up (save for their toothbrushes and shampoo) a few days ago and it means he won't cut his chin again when he saves. Rory likes it a bit more than she did when they were eighteen, says it suits the way his hair's grown to curl under his ears, but he knows that once he digs out the razor kit she'll be more than happy to see it gone. She likes the hair, constantly has her fingers running through it when they're together, but he knows she's never overly pleased with the red marks his stubble leaves on her skin. 

"I like it here," She says it like she's been debating it for some time and this is the decisive conclusion. He's about ninety-nine per-cent sure she has a pro-con list written out somewhere. 

"I like it here, too," He tells her and pulls them both to stand. The cold's really getting to him now and he just wants to drag Rory back into bed. It's warm there and she always curls around him. She'll press her cold hands on his back and her freezing toes against his shins but he can handle that. He's used to it by now.

She stops him right at the door though, just before they head inside. Her hand looks so small against his arm, red from the cold, and he brings it up to press his lips against her fingers. 

"I'm glad you came back," Rory tells him, wrapped in a blanket and wearing the button-up she'd taken off of him a few hours ago. It falls further than his band tee shirts used to, covers more of her thighs, but looks no less breathtaking. "To Stars Hollow," She clarifies and Jess takes both of her hands now to lace their fingers together, "I'm _so_ glad you came back with me."

"Which time?" He tries to joke because sure he's just turned twenty-six a few weeks ago, and they'll be celebrating nine years together next month, but sometimes his throat still tightens up he's reminded of Liz, running away, finding it easier to hide than come out and talk. The words come easier for him now, but sometimes it's no less difficult to get them out. 

He thinks she means New York when she'd left three days ahead of him but those three days had been spent worrying that maybe he'd back out at the last minute. However, that could mean anytime he would call from a new state on his road trip. Jess knows it was difficult for her, hearing what state he was in and calculating the distance between him and Yale, especially when one week he'd only be fifty miles away and the next he was one-hundred-and-ten further west. He knows everyone in Stars Hollow thought that the minute he went to California that was the last of it, knows that every time he came back to visit Luke and then Rory it shocked them, but he sticks to his promises.

And he promised Rory, at seventeen, on a cold night much like this one, that he wouldn't let her down. 

She smiles and runs her thumb across his knuckles, "All of them."

He lets her sleep in the next morning, primarily because he has to pick up one specific book and he doesn't know how to tell Rory about that errand without questions being asked that he can't answer. He still tucks his books into his back pocket, so she doesn't even bat an eyelid when he comes back home with it stashed there. 

"Ready?" Jess drives because Rory's still half asleep and feeling a little ill, and also because he wants to make a pit stop before they get to Connecticut. He feels a little stupid when he parks just outside New York City and he leads her towards a bus, especially because she asks questions and he just tells her it's an errand that he _definitely_ told her about when he really didn't. 

"Well, this is familiar," Rory jokes when they eventually get on the subway and she's crowded into his chest. It's close to rush-hour - which is essentially rush hour in itself - and the carriages are packed, but they don't stay on it long.

He catches Rory smiling dreamily as they walk through Washington Square Park, but he doesn't think she makes any connections when he steers them towards a particular bench right by the fountain. It's stupid to think the old lady two benches over is the same one that tutted at them for making out here all those years ago, but it's a little nice to pretend it is. They do make out a little, but he has a schedule to stick to and they practically jog through the streets to the next destination. 

She stops him on the stairwell four floors up. When he turns to meet her eyes he can see she's recognized what building they're in. "Jess?"

"Sh," He tugs her along the rest of the way. He still has to steel himself when he twists the key in the lock, takes a moment to breathe a little deeper before he opens the door, and Rory's hand on his back is comforting enough for him to turn the handle and step inside.

His old apartment is empty, stripped of the carpets and kitchen tiles, but Rory still looks around the place like she did that first time. Another tenant has lived her since Liz left it, but Jess can still crouch by the bathroom door and feel the bump in the door that he'd kicked there when he was sixteen. He can't remember which of Liz's boyfriends had pissed him off that day, just that he'd been given one hell of a shouting match once Liz had spotted the dent in the door. 

He didn't bring Rory all this way just to look at an empty apartment, though. Getting the keys was a struggle enough, the landlord recognized him but didn't think he'd matured enough to not try and wreck the place. To be fair on him, though, Jess knows he was a nightmare to him when he was a kid, and he's surprised he even handed over the keys at all. 

Rory smiles when he takes them through his old bedroom, the walls now painted white, and out onto the fire escape. Jess feels like he's eighteen again when he sits on the metal steps and Rory situates herself between his legs and taps a bouncing rhythm onto his ankle. 

"Why are we here?" She asks, finally, and Jess wraps his arms around her, squeezes her a little. 

She looks over her shoulder at him and he shrugs, "Was feeling a little nostalgic." 

"You know, I've been reading more of Hemingway lately," Rory closes her eyes and nestles into him, presses a kiss to his collar that makes him shiver, "He's pretty nostalgic."

"He's a smart man."

"You say that like you're buddies."

"Old Ernest and I?" He jokes and Rory snorts against him. 

"What are you feeling nostalgic about?"

"Us," He squeezes her again, "I was writing the other day and... You read books all the time about grand gestures and big moments in the characters' lives and I was just thinking about all of ours. About how it all started here, but it didn't really."

"It didn't?"

"No," He shakes his head and kisses her temple, "Not for me. It started at Luke's."

"When we argued over Rand?"

"No. With the post-it."

It was the day after they first met. He still has the post-it. Has moved it from wallet to wallet over the years, nearly cried last year when he'd dropped the wallet in a diner and thought he'd lost that blue slip of paper until it showed up in the mail with a note from the diner's owner. He was missing about thirty bucks in cash, but Rory's picture and note were untouched. 

Rory smiles against his neck now and clenches her fingers around his, "I don't know when it started for me," She says and opens her eyes. She doesn't look back at him, but he follows her gaze to study the skyline that hasn't changed a bit since they were here in 2002. "I think it was about that time, but I just know that I knew I never wanted you to leave again when you got back from New York."

They joke about for a few moments before falling silent and Jess can reach into his back pocket. He hands her the book, warm from being in his pocket all day but also because it was freshly printed this morning.

" _The Subsect_?" Rory questions when she runs her fingers over the cover, "I have like five copies already."

The original printing run only gave Jess five hundred copies, one of which he'd delivered directly to her, but they'd printed more rounds after it hit the New York Times Best Seller List. Rory had bought another one when she visited Truncheon for the first time and Jess didn't bother listening to Chris's teasing when he took her upstairs immediately afterward, practically tearing at her shirt to get it off halfway up the steps. The third copy she got was because she'd found it in a small book store in Yale, and she called him as she handed the cashier the money, telling him how stupidly proud she is of him and _it doesn't matter that I have three now, I'm paying your taxes, Mariano_. The other two had different covers from different publishers, and she didn't have to buy these ones because he'd seen them when he was on a business trip in Texas and picked them up himself for her. 

"This one's different," Is all he can get out. The cover's the same as the very first copy, and so's everything else, really. He watches as she flips it over to read the blurb and then the back inside the cover where he'd been forced to add an author section (just five lines of rubbish about where he was born and why he started writing in the first place). 

Finally, just as Jess holds his breath, she flicks through it to the dedication page. Jess closes his eyes because he can't watch, feels her breathe sharply against him and his chest is cold suddenly when she sits upright and tears herself away from him.

* * *

She's read the dedication page fifty-thousand times before he gave her this copy. Knows the word's by heart; _I couldn't have done it without you_. Just seven words that don't point fingers at her but anyone that knows Jess knows it's for her. She'd read a few interviews he'd done - the ones he'd been forced into doing for publicity for the book - where they'd asked who it was for and noted in writing that he would smile or smirk and just shrug it off.

Those words are still there, slightly higher up on the page and not alone this time. 

_"I love you.  
As selfishly as the fact that I exist.  
As selfishly as my lungs breathe air...  
For my survival."  
\- Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead_

_To the one who inspired it all,  
Who I never want to be without,  
Rory Gilmore, I love you,  
Will you marry me?_

She panics for a moment but only because she's been staring silently at the words on the page and Jess doesn't sound like he's breathing behind her. Except all she can get is a dumb, "Oh my god," like she's still seventeen and clueless. 

"They want to bring out another round of them," Jess says quietly but quickly behind her, "And they wanted an updated dedication page - as if it would _change_ and it doesn't have to be this one but I didn't know how else to ask-"

"Yes." It shocks even her, but she spins around to face him and he looks a little gobsmacked. 

He's smiling, though, and his voice is shakey when he asked, "Yes?"

"Yes, it has to be this one," She waves the book a little but doesn't close it, never looks away from his eyes, "Print this one. Make everyone stop asking who the other one was about."

He nods, "Okay."

She smiles and she's already crying, "Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes, I'll marry you."

He crowds her against the railing when he kisses her and Rory doesn't know if they're both crying or it's just hers but it doesn't matter. She clutches onto him, breathes him in, kisses him with all she's got, and takes everything he's giving her. It's so much colder up on the fire escape than it is on the ground but she doesn't feel it when his hands slide over her waist and fist the back of her jacket. 

"I love you," She whispers against his mouth, pulls back enough to see that he's crying too. He'll probably deny it later but he'll be teased enough by Matt and Chris and _Luke_ when they see the new dedication page anyway.

He hums and brings her back in, laughs chokily with her when the wind gets trapped underneath their jackets, and makes them shiver, "I love you so much."

They stay crowded against that railing and smile stupidly at each, and Rory ignores the biting chill on her cheeks were her tears attract the cold, decides instead to laugh, and she has to hide her face in his shoulder. 

"You used a Rand quote."

He snorts and pinches her hip, "Shut it, Gilmore."

* * *

Jess had been so worried about the damn book that he'd left the dam ring in the car. Rory teases him about it the entire subway and bus ride back to the car park just outside the city limits, but she shuts up about it pretty quickly when he jokingly threatens to throw the book away. She says she'll get another copy when it's printed, but her grip tightens on the one in her hands now. He knows she'll buy another copy when it's released anyway because that's just _Rory_ but he also knows that the one in her hands will be sat right next to the first-ever one he gave her once they get back home. That one's on her bedside table, right next to a Hemingway book he gave her and a Rand, and her current read, all stacked nicely next to a picture of her mother and Luke. 

They'd mocked movie scenes where the guy gets down on one knee more times in their relationship than they count, so Jess doesn't bother. They both think it's a little stupid anyway because the girl never seems to know what to do and there's always an awkward meeting in the middle thing that they'd both rather skip. They're sat in the car when he finally gives her the ring. If this was his old car, back when they were teenagers, it would be one long stretch of seats in the front and it would be easier to lean over and cradle her in his arms when Rory cries again, but this is one of the stupid new models with two separate seats and the handbrake right in the middle which gets in the way, so it's a little awkward but manage to make it work anyway. 

Rory only lets go of his hand when they park in front of the diner and Lorelai meets Rory at the car door. Jess ducks into Luke's before Lorelai can attack him with the hugs she's dishing out (even a random stranger got one as she walked past) but Lorelai's hot on his heels and waving the dedication page of the book in Luke's face a second later. Rory smiles at him across the counter when Jess pours them all some coffees, ignoring Luke's teasing. 

Her fingers skim against his when he hands her the mug and it feels like they're seventeen again.

"So," Luke sighs as they lean against the counter and watch Rory show Lane the ring across the diner. Lorelai's still sat opposite Jess, sipping at her coffee, watching her daughter fawn over the ring and tell her best friend the story, "I know I tuned out most of the book rants, but I thought you didn't like Rand?"

"I don't," Jess says as he watches Rory open the book to show Lane, "She does, though."

Luke pats his shoulder and gives him a smile as if to say _I knew you'd get here_ , and Lorelai doesn't even have one joke to make about it. They've been on solid ground together since Rory started Yale and Jess kept coming back to visit, and it's been roughly seven years since then but it feels like they're turned a fresh page when Lorelai reaches across the counter and holds his hand.

Rory's bedroom hasn't changed a bit since she went to college, even the bed's the same. It's awkward fitting on it now that Jess has bulked up and they'd both grown taller, but they make it work by lying on their sides and getting as close as possible to each other. 

He's seconds away from falling asleep when Rory shoots up and pounds a fist to his bicep. It doesn't hurt, per say, but it leaves a sharp tingle that he's not too fond of. By the time he realizes she's hit him she's hopping into her jeans in the center of the room and ordering him to get changed. 

"Ror, it's three in the morning-"

"I know, get dressed." She throws his jeans at him, digs around for her socks and Jess has spent enough time with her to not argue and just do as he says. He mourns the loss of warmth when she drags him out the door, though, and grumbles the entire walk about how he was nearly _asleep Rory_. She shushes him once they're at the bridge. Right in the middle, and she points to the edge where'd they'd spent countless hours sitting and reading.

"Here," She says, "It started here for me. You fell asleep while I read and you kissed me for the first time the next day, but it started _here_."

Jess is pretty sure he'll never get over hearing Rory tell him how she feels (they're _engaged_ now) and he can't really find any words other than, "That was before New York."

She nods, "I didn't realize it until New York. As I said, I figured out I never wanted you to not come back, but this is where it started. You had your head in my lap and you were having a nightmare, and you hugged me when you walked me home - and I remember thinking that the only time I wanted to ever see you walk away was when I knew you'd be walking back eventually. I love you, and I need you to always come back."

He kisses her swiftly, one hand on her neck and the other on her cheek, "I don't want to ever leave."

"But if you do," She grips his forearms in her hands and nudges their foreheads together, "For work or because you need a breather, I _need_ you to come back. We need you to come back."

"We?"

His throat is tight when she bites her lips and nods, and it's her turn to dig into her back pocket and hand him something. It's not a book but he figures he knows what's in the envelop anyway. 

It's grainy and it takes him a second to find what he's meant to be looking for, but once he does his throat's not tight anymore and he knows that today is so much bigger than just the day he finally proposed.

* * *

Jess hasn't said anything but she hears him sniff and clear his throat. Rory can see how the veins on the back of his hands clench a little but his fingers are gentle against the paper. 

"Really?" He looks at her now, eyes shiny but he's smiling and Rory lets out a breath that was rattling her rib cage. 

She smiles back and it's answer enough. He sweeps her up in his arms and she laughs as she wraps her legs around his waist. 

"I love you," He's whispering over and over into her neck and his five-day stubble scratches at her neck but she clutches him even closer and lets the tears fall into his hair. "I love you so fucking much, Ror."

"I love you." She presses against his mouth and, yeah, he's definitely crying right alongside her because his face is already wet under her hands. 

"Say it," He grins, doesn't put her down just yet and Rory can't help but choke out a laugh at the look of pure bliss on Jess's face.

She knows he's terrified because so is she. It's going to be hard work, and neither of them really believe they have the right tools to actually do this, but they'll make it work because that's just what they do. They make it work.

"I'm pregnant."


End file.
